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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Finances - AIBU

33 replies

Thelifeofawife · 29/08/2023 17:56

DH and I have clashed a few times regarding finances and I just want to gauge how it works in other households to see if I’m being unreasonable.

We are not in the best financial position and are supposed to be saving to move house for the sake of the children (we both have DC but not together).

There have been a few instances where I have said about setting budgets for things for the children in order to help us get in a better financial position, mainly to do with their excessive gifts (he spends way too much, then I end up doing the same so my DC don’t feel left out) but also other things/top up on maintenance which should already be covered.
The problem is he then just goes behind my back and spends whatever he wants (or his ex dictates) when he knows it’s well over what we discussed and more than he/we can afford. When I try to discuss it with him all I get is that it’s for his DC so he’s doing nothing wrong. When I explain that he needs to prioritise us moving for the sake of the DC he just ignores it.

I am very balanced in that I never ask him to cut back for his own DC if I wouldn’t be willing to do it with mine, so it’s not like I’m being evil stepmum, simply trying to get us in a better position.

AIBU expecting him to cut back for something that is ultimately going to benefit our whole family rather than just flashing the cash for his DC all the time and top up his exes household (she also has income, a partner, etc and of course we pay maintenance)?

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 18:04

Depends what it is he's paying for really, and how much. You haven't given much detail.

Do you live together already?

ConnieTucker · 29/08/2023 18:11

Well, you are both being unreasonable.

his attitude towards you his poor.
he spends way too much…The problem is he then just goes behind my back and spends whatever he wants when he knows it’s well over what we discussed and more than he/we can afford. When I try to discuss it with him all I get is that it’s for his DC so he’s doing nothing wrong… he just ignores it.
this will drag your children and you down. He knows he isnt working as a team and doesnt give a shit about it.

however, youre not doing much better. As youre spending more than you should as well. But youre also forgetting maintenance is the minimum legal amount. Of course occasionally there will be extras.
then I end up doing the same so my DC don’t feel left out) but also other things/top up on maintenance which should already be covered. spends whatever…his ex dictates

Original poster
Thelifeofawife · 29/08/2023 18:30

Sorry for clarity, we live together and are married.
We haven’t yet pooled finances but agreed we needed to save to move. I am in a better financial position than him meaning that any extra I spend on my DC to compensate for his overspending on gifts does not put me into debt, but his overspending does, or at least means he can’t save what he’s supposed to be.

I understand that there will be extras on top
of maintenance, he’s always done this and a bit here and there I don’t say anything about. It’s when it becomes more and more and we can’t afford it. If she was genuinely struggling and needed help I’d understand, I’ve been that single parent, but she’s not.
It’s even down to her not sending clothes for DC so we have to buy for our house too (not just a few bits as spares or extras the DC want but literally a full wardrobe).
Like I said this isn’t just for extras, this is also her wanting “x, y, z” for DC for their birthday for example and just expecting him to stump up the money. I have told him he needs to be upfront and explain he can’t afford it but he won’t. Then again, sometimes he just actively offers. So it’s not all her.

OP posts:
namechangnancy · 29/08/2023 18:50

Top tip that's gonna get peoples knickers in a bunch.

Don't join finances (a bit massive MN no no) especially if you out earn him.

Secondly don't subsidise him overspending. That means if you do need to move house and you have a bigger amount to put down, you get it legally drawn up that money is ring fenced. Say you put in 60% and he does 40% that's how you will split the asset if required either by death or splitting up.

That whole you can only control what you do thing is a cliche but it rings true here.

If he wants to buy loads of crap let him, but he still needs to pay his half of bills etc. if he can't then he gets less of the assets when it comes to divide these things.

What you can't do is subside him and whatever his ex wants and also split up the financial rewards based on the good financial decisions you do and the poor money management he has.

Why would he change his ways if his bad choices with his money have no impact on on his future investment with you.I mean would you ?

As it's said before on here he will reap what he sows and he's doing this because he knows you will cover the shortfall. Stop covering the holes and see if he falls into one ...

Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 19:18

100% what @namechangnancy said. Very good advice.

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 19:29

Don't pool resources. Consider divorce.

Peony654 · 29/08/2023 19:33

Definitely don’t pool your money. Tell him you’ll be saving yourself, and making sacrifices to do so. If you do get to the point of buying a property; and you have a larger amount of deposit money, ringfence this morning by owning a larger %. Baffles me how a married couple can’t unite for something so beneficial as a house deposit

BudgetBuster · 29/08/2023 19:34

How do you split bills etc? I presume your kids are in the house more than his. Do you plan to both own the house 50/50? To me it seems like ye have very different goals in life, he doesn't seem as bothered about the new house as you do. My DH and I keep the same amount of money each month in our personal accounts (e.g. £500). Anything above that is transferred into a joint account which pays our house, bills, groceries, cars, clothing, Anything the kids need). He then spends his excess £500 on whatever he wants and mine is mine. This wouldn't work for everyone (particularly if there are alot of kids to consider). But you guys need to get aligned on what the goal is.... a better house or not?

Neverhot · 29/08/2023 19:42

I don't agree that the ex should be sending clothes. His dc should surely have a full wardrobe at your house? I don't send my dc any clothes when they go to their dad's and don't know any other seperated parents that do this either?

Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 19:47

Neverhot · 29/08/2023 19:42

I don't agree that the ex should be sending clothes. His dc should surely have a full wardrobe at your house? I don't send my dc any clothes when they go to their dad's and don't know any other seperated parents that do this either?

What's the point in having two full wardrobes of clothes though? What a waste.

Backagain23 · 29/08/2023 20:12

How urgent is the house move?
How often do you each have your kids?
Is he still paying his way towards bills etc?
So many questions.
I had a similar issues with DH, money going out like water to his ex meanwhile I was picking up the slack with our shared kids. Completely unfair. So I lost the plot and told him he was making it so easy to see how my life would be better without him. No expenses for him and DSD to shoulder, plus he would be forced to pay for his younger children instead of leaving it to the mug wife.
It was a bit of an eye opener for him and things are much better now, plus I'm more direct with telling him what's needed just like his ex does.
"DS needs next size up joggers, can you order today please" etc.
Do you and your DH have a savings plan?
"We each need to pay X amount into savings, in order to get to Y amount by Z deadline" instead of just vague "we need to save more".
Or just LTB if he continues mugging off his wife in favour of his ex.

namechangnancy · 29/08/2023 20:13

Fml it's depressing that people are like pool your resources or get divorced.

We can all get into the semantics over should or shouldn't DSc have a full wardrobe at both houses.

Op cannot change how her dh fundamentally operates with money.

She can however change how she lets that impact her financial future and put boundaries in place not to be used as a financial crutch.

Also I would also say the same to a bloke.

@Floofydawg I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that a giant waste I would be baffled if my ex had a full wardrobe for clothes my dd at home house and mine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2023 20:17

He obviously doesn’t want to move to a bigger place. He’s more interested in the immediate pay off of splurging on gifts. That’s a major incompatibility and would annoy me a lot. Have you specifically said to him that while he’s getting into debt pretending he’s richer than he is no move will ever happen?

What’s wrong with your current house/flat and who’s losing out/who will benefit from moving?

blackbeardsballsack · 29/08/2023 20:20

namechangnancy · 29/08/2023 18:50

Top tip that's gonna get peoples knickers in a bunch.

Don't join finances (a bit massive MN no no) especially if you out earn him.

Secondly don't subsidise him overspending. That means if you do need to move house and you have a bigger amount to put down, you get it legally drawn up that money is ring fenced. Say you put in 60% and he does 40% that's how you will split the asset if required either by death or splitting up.

That whole you can only control what you do thing is a cliche but it rings true here.

If he wants to buy loads of crap let him, but he still needs to pay his half of bills etc. if he can't then he gets less of the assets when it comes to divide these things.

What you can't do is subside him and whatever his ex wants and also split up the financial rewards based on the good financial decisions you do and the poor money management he has.

Why would he change his ways if his bad choices with his money have no impact on on his future investment with you.I mean would you ?

As it's said before on here he will reap what he sows and he's doing this because he knows you will cover the shortfall. Stop covering the holes and see if he falls into one ...

Absolutely all of this

purplebluediscorain · 29/08/2023 20:20

Me and my child’s dad who also has an older child have separate finances and I never dictate what he can and should/shouldn’t spend on his eldest because he’d tell me to do one and do it anyway and I really don’t see it as my business if all the bills are paid and the kids are happy. What I have complained about though is that sometimes the eldest does get more but he is 10 and our DD is almost 2.

BudgetBuster · 29/08/2023 20:25

Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 19:47

What's the point in having two full wardrobes of clothes though? What a waste.

Show quote history

So the children feel like they actually live in both houses and not just shuttled around living out of a backpack.

Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 21:16

@BudgetBuster my daughter spent 10 years taking clothes to her dad's and I can assure you that she's not emotionally scarred by the experience. 🙄🙄🙄

namechangnancy · 29/08/2023 21:25

@BudgetBuster I think this type of thought process is a very adult look at thing. Children don't really care if they have a wardrobe of clothes at both mum and dads. However they care if they have fun, spend time with their parents etc watered and fed and clothes for the length of the stay.

A wardrobe full of clothes they are unlikely to ever wear is unlikely to stop them knowing they have two homes or that they have two parents in two different homes

Reoccurring guilt in the form of ridiculous spending from dad is just as bad on the child as mum treating dad like a atm

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 01:43

@namechangnancy good advice.

Unfortunately OP you have chosen poorly someone who doesn't share your goals.

Be very wary.

He wants a mother to pick up the pieces when he overspends.

Is this really what you want long term?

BudgetBuster · 30/08/2023 10:03

Floofydawg · 29/08/2023 21:16

@BudgetBuster my daughter spent 10 years taking clothes to her dad's and I can assure you that she's not emotionally scarred by the experience. 🙄🙄🙄

Where did I ever mention emotional scarring? Please don't put words in my mouth.

BudgetBuster · 30/08/2023 10:07

namechangnancy · 29/08/2023 21:25

@BudgetBuster I think this type of thought process is a very adult look at thing. Children don't really care if they have a wardrobe of clothes at both mum and dads. However they care if they have fun, spend time with their parents etc watered and fed and clothes for the length of the stay.

A wardrobe full of clothes they are unlikely to ever wear is unlikely to stop them knowing they have two homes or that they have two parents in two different homes

Reoccurring guilt in the form of ridiculous spending from dad is just as bad on the child as mum treating dad like a atm

My stepchild certainly noticed the effort of having to pack a bag to come to our house, and then us having to make sure everything was washed and dried and packed back up again. Every child is probably different, and some of it is probably down to how the parents reaccommunicate also.
I never mentioned a FULL wardrobe, we definitely have less clothes than if my stepchild lived here full time but still enough he has choice and I'm not trying to wash and dry clothing so he can wear it again.

Reugny · 30/08/2023 10:13

The only reason to have full wardrobes of clothes in both homes is if one or both adults play games with the child(ren)'s possessions. While not all separated parents indulge in this stupid game, unfortunately it is common.

If your DP/DH's ex doesn't indulge in this game and you don't allow your DP/DH to as well, then their DC don't need to full wardrobes they just need extras/spares.

My DP's ex indulges in this and makes clothes that we provide disappear. I actually now don't buy/get any clothes for their DC otherwise it goes missing quicker if taken to DP's ex home.

Backagain23 · 30/08/2023 10:19

I wish my DSC would stop carting stuff back and forth. Every time she comes she's like a pack horse with multiple back packs and carrier bags stuffed full, blames her mum for not being able to find things, inevitably it turns out that all her pants bar one pair are now at mums house, or a meltdown that the favourite jeans aren't to hand.
Everything we have ever bought her falls into one of two categories

  1. She likes it so takes it back to mum's
  2. She decides (having chosen it herself) that she doesn't like it and it will remain tagged on the wardrobe until it is outgrown and chucked in a charity bag.
Its been 10 years and isn't going to change. 😞
Reugny · 30/08/2023 10:21

Anyway OP @namechangnancy has already given you the solution.

It isn't actually an odd one as I know plenty of couples who do it.

Make sure any house you live in and own is as "tenants in common" with appropriate shares.

You each write your own wills leaving each other the right to live in the house until their death, remarriage or cohabitation over 6 months, but with the share ultimately going to your own children. Then all your other assets and money in your will going to your children. You can leave your pension to your husband as that isn't part of your estate.

Don't be surprised if your DH kicks off for insisting on writing a will like that. If he does still write the will but make sure someone in your own family e.g. cousin younger than you is the executor until your children are older enough to do it.

This is why it is important to talk to see if you are actually aligned with finances, bringing up kids, etc before you get married and not to just presume you are.

Reugny · 30/08/2023 11:07

@Backagain23 at least your DSC has their own agency over their possessions and it isn't the adults calling the shots.

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