"Extras"

[noglow]

If your partner pays for half of "extras" how does this work for you? At the moment DH gets asked really regularly for half of the cost of "extra curricular" activities. When does that just become an activity mum has arranged on her time? Basically cost of living is hitting us much harder than it is her and DH is getting a bit of kick back when he's querying if the DSC really need to be doing all the out of school activities. Mum doesn't ever ask until she's already paid it and then causes drama when DH says no/queries it.

So how does your partner work it? Do they just pay say a lump sum for extra curricular stuff a month? It seems silly to say every single decide has to be run past DH or it will be a no but he's considering it.

If he ups maintenance then his ex has control of the budget so it's then her choice what his DC get to do.

We pay for what we sign them up for. Same with their mum. So for example we sorted out swimming lessons so just pay for it even though we only take them on the weekends we have them. Their mum wanted them to do piano so she sorts payment for that.

My daughter has a maths tutor every week and me and her dad just take it in turns each week to pay.

I guess it's just what works best. We'd never just sign them up to something without checking with the other parent though.

Up the maintainance if possible, tell her that's it, no more. Make sure YOU don't end up subsidising him. If he can't afford it without it affecting you then he can't afford it full stop.

Maintenance simply doesn't cover half of "extras" unless the nrp is a really high earner. CMS are deliberately vague. l think it says "contribution to essentials" so there's actually no pretence it should cover anything beyond that. Obviously ideally a discussion should be had before anyone spends anyone else's money but ab acknowledgement from the nrp that these extras are significant and a suitable increase above the CMS would be the simplest and probably fairest way to deal it.

Yes that's where I draw the line. Thankfully he doesn't expect that at the moment.

@BibbleandSqwauk He already pays more than CMS. But yes that principle seems fairest.

I think he should ask her what will work for her. He could ask if she would prefer more maintenance (work out how much extra he is willing to give first) or is she happy to ask first before signing the kids up to something. Also let her know that you will only pay for a certain number of activities. Hopefully they can negotiate and reasonable amount of stuff for the kids.

Yes, above is practical.
There has to be a limit and your husband should be honest about how he can not afford all extras without discussion.

They should talk first what lessons she's going to be doing because of cost.
However, he doesn't exactly spend much time with his child, so effectively it's all on her time, he's a very part time dad, and she's taking the majority of the parenting.
I'm not a step parent, only the product of a broken home as a
Child, but I don't think CMS is exactly generous so he should be paying more if it's possible. Also he should be grateful the mum is able to take their child to all of these activities as they're quite disrupting, I often cook Dinner whilst my DH takes our kids to evening and weekend activities otherwise we'd be having quick meals most days

Finances are always subjective, but assuming he pays decent maintenance…

I think if his child needs tutoring, then that’s agreed first, the parents pay half each and it would be a priority in a budget.

Then clubs should also be discussed in advance before anyone signs up. Because otherwise it could end up getting crazy in fees and equipment. It’s not fair to say ‘she’s now doing this, too, and you owe me £100’ etc out of the blue.

I wouldn’t offer more maintenance because it doesn’t sound like his ex has a reasonable approach to the arrangements at the moment, and is likely to just come back for more, with the added emotional blackmail of ‘You can’t go to ballet any more because daddy won’t pay for a new tutu’.

My exh does not give me money for extras. He does give me CM.

This is very hard, it sounds as though you’re in a position whereby you’d be stopping these activities due to finances if DC lived with you.

I’d be tempted to tell ex you’ll continue paying X amount for X activity but that you’re not able to contribute towards the new ones

If he has them for half the holidays, they should each be paying for activities on their own time. I’m guessing she’s signed them up for sports summer camps so basically childcare and is expecting him to pay half? Very cheeky imo.

In term-time he should be contributing to activities on her time (such as weekly music or swimming lessons), but only those agreed in advance.

My DH and his ex pay for the activities that fall on their time or that they expressly choose for the children to do even if they have to attend on the other parents time.

It seems silly to say every single decide has to be run past DH or it will be a no but he's considering it

Why is it silly? If she wants him to pay toward it she should be running it past him.

Mum should not unilaterally get to dictate what they do and sign them up expecting dad to pay with no prior discussion

they can either discuss and agree like adults about what activity and who pays what or she risks him simply saying, no I don’t agree / can’t afford it. Then he should stick to it

Lets be honest when Dad only sees them EOW and half holidays - most of the activities are going to fall on Mums time.

Maybe Dad could see them a bit more before complaining

OP - her time is 12/14 days per fortnight
1 week of Xmas holiday
1.5 weeks of Easter holiday
4 weeks of summer holidays
? half term splits

70% of time is her time

Dsd doesn’t do many hobbies when she’s with mum so we haven’t ever been asked for extra towards that.

We also don’t pay extra for days out or activities that the mum wants to do.
We pay for activities in our time and we actually do more stuff then her mum does.

So above CMS she doesn’t get extra for activities.

Of course they are and he's not complaining that the activities are on mum's time is he. Just that if she wants paying for them from him then she needs to agree it. Otherwise she could be paying for full on balloon rides and stuff and just assuming he'll split the cost.

I'd agree a reasonable limit for what he will contribute to - eg each child can do swimming lessons, a sport and an instrument and he'll pay half? Anything she wants them to do above that she needs to fund.

Yeah he went for this