Blind stepson

[EdDameLuck]

Hi everyone, I’ve never posted here before as I don’t have children, however! I am currently going through a nasty divorce (drink problem with infidelity on his part) and have started seeing the loveliest guy. He was the last thing I was looking for and not a rebound at all (I did the dating after marriage breakdown thing months ago) but we’ve admitted we have strong feelings for each other.

He has two boys, one is 3 and the other is 9 and blind and has been since birth. I haven’t met either yet but I like this guy so much I want to be prepared if in a few months down the line if he does ask me to meet his children as he’s given indication of this.

Ive got absolutely no problem taking on his children should we end up living together etc. you don’t reach your 30s and find anyone without their own baggage!

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in the situation where their new partner’s child has specified needs and what I can actually do to make meeting him as easy for him as possible with him being visually impaired.

I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

I am a dog groomer with a home salon so just wondering if something sensory like a fake groom on my own tiny well behaved dog would be a fun activity where we could chat and bond. Obviously without the blades and dangerous bits involved!

Im feeling a bit overwhelmed as I would really want the first meeting to go well as I am starting to fall for this guy and he feels the same.

any advice is much appreciated 🫶🏼

Well I think that’s a lovely idea, you sound very thoughtful.

You’re jumping the gun a bit here, he hasn’t talked about you meeting the kids and you’re already thinking of fun activities to do with them.

The first meet would probably be a mutual location, lunch out or something so I wouldn’t think too much about organising activities

Also try not to put too much emphasis on the disability. Get to know him first for who he is, not the disability he has.

I would ask your boyfriend for ideas on smoothing your first introduction, he knows his DC and will be able to tell you what will work. He will also appreciate you being so thoughtful. Good luck

Why don't you ask your partner for guidance? You are obviously trying to be very kind and thoughtful but all children are different, regardless of their additional needs, and his dad will know him best.

You sounds lovely!

I think you need to take cues from your partner, first few meets are on their terms so coffee shop, park etc but hands on activities sound good further down the line.

Not visual impairment, but i have experience on meeting now often caring for a severely disabled (learning disabled) child - our first meeting was taking her to her riding lesson (well sitting on the horse being led around) at a specialist school, next time we went out for lunch, unfortunately we were just building up when lockdown occurred and because she's over 18 and in residential care we didn't see her at all for 4 months, her mum only saw her waving through the window when dropping off essential supplies (carers lived in, online shopping only to protect them)

Kindly OP, slow down.

You are rushing into committing to something you know nothing about.

He has a 3 year old too?

What happened with the relationship?

Be very very careful of being used as childcare by this man, however lovely his children.

He's been very quick to say he wants you to meet them.

Men coming out of a relationship with children are often very very quick to look for a single solvent woman to help with childcare.
Preferably with their own home.

Many is the thread on here of women finding themselves sucked into being unpaid childcare for "lovely" men who knew exactly what they were looking for.....childcare on tap.

Many of the women desperately throw themselves into picking up the caring drugery jobs of children they have barely met.
And don't the men love it.

Many of these women deeply regret getting involved at all.

Often the men are enthusiastic about having another baby to seal the deal.

I apologise if this sounds harsh.

Just be very careful of not being sucked quickly into a relationship to be used.

He’s asked me to meet his kids this weekend.👍🏽 Thanks for your input

Thanks so much for your input 🙃

How long have you been seeing this guy? It seems far too soon to be meeting his kids.

Have a look at the RNIB website, might give you some ideas.

Too much, much too fast.

You are not being in any way sensible, and you're putting innocent children in the mix. What's the rush?

You treat him as if he’s any other 9 year old child. Apart from not leaving trip hazzards around and having to do things like read menu’s, his visual impairment is secondary.

I am blind and as a child nothing irritated me more than adults wanting to make something of it. “Oh what a shame/what happens if I wave my hand in front of your face? Can you see that?/would you like to feel my face to know what I look like?” Or worse, taking my hand and putting it on their face <shudder>. And the people who go out of their way to avoid the words see, look, etc. And the ones telling my mum how sad it was that I wanted a bike for my birthday and how I obviously couldn’t have one because I was blind. Reader, I got a bike for my birthday.

My parents fortunately didn’t treat me any differently. I know that my mum especially had some concerns but they never held me back. I had a bike which I was permitted to ride around the neighbourhood, scooters/roller scates etc. And my dad even let me drive his car.

Posted too soon. There is an element of awareness in terms of e.g. if he asks what something looks like give him the opportunity to see it.

My dad was master at this. I wanted to know what a heart looked like, so he went and bought a pack of hearts of some kind at the butcher, cut one open and showed me.

More than once he lifted me over the rope at a museum etc to see the exhibit. Nobody ever said anything, in fact museum staff etc were always incredibly accommodating.

I went to a gold smelting demo in another country once and as it finished the bloke came over with a bar of gold to show me what it looked like.

All this stuff comes with awareness, and it’s the people with that awareness who are the least patronising.

Now I’m a parent/have a job/live entirely independently, and while you do still get ignorant comments from the public, because I’m an adult people are more likely to look at me as me iyswim, and the ones who don’t I pay little attention to.

So it went from he might ask me to meet his kids in a few months time to you're meeting them this weekend?

Way too much too soon.

You are going through a nasty divorce but you are thinking you might want to take on someone else's children when you've only just met. I don't think you need to spend too much time thinking about this child's needs at the moment. You will get to understand this and their personality and their siblings personality as time goes on. I would worry about any man who wanted to introduce his children quickly so don't get too invested.

I bet he wants you to meet them!!
Don't be one of those women too eager and willing to take on the Mary Poppins role then do nothing but complain about it once novelty wears off. Look at step parenting threads, so very negative.
You often find men in this situation are not good fathers or husbands, hence why single and are looking for free childcare, cook, cleaner etc. They tend to end up getting better side of the deal.
l would take things very slowly and keep things seperate.

Isn’t it the end of term soon?
Those Summer holidays without childcare or another adult to pick up the load are very long.

This is a very good point!

Alsio, how long has he been separated from the children's mother? It is far too soon to meet them. Why the rush?

Both of you are rushing in.

It's very unfair to the children.

How long have you actually known him?

Absolutely agree with every word from @MySugarBabyLove .

My friend has two sons with juvenile macular degeneration who weren't diagnosed until they were in their teens. They both managed perfectly well in their day to day life as children - lots of friends, lots of scrapes, the same as any other kids. Once diagnosed nothing changed, because nothing had changed in their lives except there was a recognition that their vision was different to that of other people.

If you do meet these boys just treat both of them appropriately for their age group.

Oh and you're getting way ahead of yourself by describing him as your stepson. Neither of them is.

OP, I mean this with the most kindness - treat him like you would treat any other child. If he's been blind since birth, he probably navigates the world very well his own way. You sound very sweet. Enjoy❤️

I met my partners 2 kids within 3 weeks of getting together, it was purely accidental the mum needed to go out and she dropped them round, eldest is 11 and has DS, now I have experience of children with these specific needs and I treated him just like any other child and nearly 2 years later we have an amazing relationship and we have been blessed with a 3 month baby girl (do not judge I was told I could not get pregnant so it was a shock) her brothers adore there sister

Maybe you've done all of this, but before you even meet the kids there are a few things you can do to make sure your relationship with the kids starts off on the right foot...

Is he a widower or do the kids have their mother in their lives? You'd want to make sure the dynamic with him and the kids mum is healthy before you get involved with the children.

It is pretty standard (and respectful) to offer to meet the mum first, if your will be spending time with her children. This would be in the best interests of the kids, that their mum knows about you and is fine with you being in their lives.

For the sake of the kids it would be responsible to find out if they've met any of his previous girlfriends, because kids can't help but get attached to people they spend time with, and it can be really hard on them when there is a break up.