I'm really struggling with my situation just now and not even looking for advice, just to talk to other step-parents who might understand. I know there might be people who aren't step-parents who will flame me for certain aspects of how I feel but I ask those people to consider just moving on from the thread because I'm not in a strong place right now.
I've posted on here about my situation before, although under a different username but I have changed it since and can't remember what it was. At the time I changed some details to avoid being recognised but I'm past caring now so just going to be completely honest so if anyone recognises any of the details, that will be why. I apologise that this is a long one.
The backstory is that my SSs came to live with us full time almost a year and a half ago, when OH and I had just had a baby together 6 weeks before. OH had not seen his sons properly for 2 1/2 years before this due to his ex refusing contact. His ex had/has mental health issues and was creating really dangerous fantasies and making serious allegations against OH, all of which were investigated and found to be untrue (this includes her claiming he attacked her or broke into her house on two occasions that he and I were away on holiday). She isolated the children from society, including taking them out of school, and told them really damaging things, including that they had medical conditions which they didn't. All this time OH was fighting to see them through the courts, eventually after social work investigations ordered by the court, they were removed from her and came to live with us full time, with overnight visits with their mum EOW (which surprised me given the things that had happened but that's what they decided). Two very traumatised and damaged wee boys then came to live with us. We got them back into school and have done everything possible to support them through the whirlwind of emotions that have followed.
Prior to this OH had a job working away on a rotation of 10 days away, 4 days back. He took time off work when the boys came to live with us and then tried to find some work locally, which he struggled to find. He found a job which was away during the week and back at weekends but we only managed about a month of that as it was so hard for us at home. He managed to get a job about an hour from home and commuted each day, but it was really badly paid and a zero hours contract, also it was project-based so once this one was done, they could send him on another job anywhere in the country. We both had decent savings before but these were decimated. Then last year I very unexpectedly fell pregnant again, despite being on contraception. Initially we discussed terminating due to our circumstances but I couldn't go through with it. I had previously been told that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant without IVF so OD herself was enough of a surprise. I knew if I did it I would end up resenting OH and my SKs as it was only because of our current situation that I would be doing it and it felt like I would be getting rid of my own child in order to raise the children my partner had with someone else. We decided to keep the baby, knowing how hard it would be.
A promoted post came up at my work, a position I have done before and knew I could do well so I went for it and got it. It was only a couple of hundred extra a month but I figured it would help at least. What I didn't know though was that the last two people who had been in post had been signed off for long periods and eventually left due to stress, meaning that the department was in absolutely chaos, alongside there being crazy expectations of the person in post by the boss (which is what I think caused the stress for them in the first place). I'm expected to work way beyond my contracted hours, meaning that most of the extra money goes on childcare anyway. I wish I'd never taken the job. It is so so stressful and just not worth it but now I've taken it I can't get out because my old post has been filled and there are very few jobs available in my sector right now. Last week I got slapped in the face, spat on and nipped to the point of bleeding. Despite being pregnant I'm constantly called to deal with issues with behaviour, including with violent kids. But that's not the part of the job that's the hardest, it's the crazy expectations of what I am able to do in an unrealistic time frame plus more (which wouldn't be appropriate for me to post here).
We started getting to the point where we were defaulting on payments and so OH decided that the only way of us getting through financially was for him to go back to his old job. At first we really argued over this but I couldn't come up with any alternative solutions and neither could he. Things with the boys' mum seemed to have settled down a bit and were going pretty smoothly so I started thinking maybe I could do it and it would be fine. He contacted his old boss, got it all set up to return again. Since then, somehow on cue, the boys' mum has started playing up again over the last couple of weeks, abusive messages, turning up at hours that she isn't due to have them and banging and shouting at the door, refusing to bring them back to us unless we go get them (court order states that she is to do pick ups and drop offs).
OH left today for his first 10 days and I'm terrified. I feel like I could do my job and cope with it if I was coming home to a relaxed house, but I'm not. I come home to two children who are exactly like many of the kids I work with and I'm needing to deal with the same traumas. I feel like I don't have anywhere to feel at ease or relaxed.
Don't get me wrong, the boys have improved massively in their behaviour and self-regulation, but it's still hard and I still feel like I'm in work-mode around them. They need constant attention, which is understandable with everything they've been through, but it's exhausting and non-stop. Again, I could totally deal with their behaviour but after a long day with the kind of job I have and level of stress I feel under, I'm struggling with it.
I feel like I'm at breaking point and I don't know how I'm going to get through. I've thought about leaving, to the point of looking at other homes and fantasising about being there on my own with just my own children, but my daughter adores her dad and big brothers and I love my partner so I feel like I need to at least try. I worry about the level of stress I'm going through and how it could be affecting my pregnancy. I'm starting to get to the stage where I'm struggling to think, if OH even asks me what I want for dinner I don't feel like I can think clearly to answer.
My family think that I should get signed off from work for a while. I think they're right but I worry about and how it will go down at work. I think I might actually have a nervous breakdown though if I don't take a step back from something.