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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice please on splitting with partner who has 6yo DD

27 replies

thebfgatemyhomework · 19/01/2023 12:14

I have been in a relationship for the last 18 months or so with a man who has a 6yo DD. DD stays with him every other weekend. I have 2 DDs who live with me most of the time but not usually at weekends.

The relationship has been fraught with difficulties and has become increasingly controlling. I have tried to end it several times but always emotionally blackmailed back - usually because of what he tells me the impact will be on his DD who I am close with.

He has not had an easy time over the last 16 months for various reasons and I've stuck around to see if things will get better but they aren't and I have to leave. I don't want to go into any more detail on this but am looking for advice on how to end the relationship in a way that limits the damage to his DD. I would welcome any advice that you can give me! Thank you

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 19/01/2023 12:19

A bit of a brutal truth here but his DD might be upset but she will be ok and it’s his job to make sure it’s ok and as gentle as possible for her.
Id suggest to him that he tells his DD and then you take her out maybe the next time she’s with him then maybe in another month or 6 weeks see her; basically on a decreasing level so that you don’t just disappear from her life but not so it’s all the time either as realistically he will move on and your relationship with his DD won’t be ongoing. If he says no then that’s his choice and not your responsibility to manage; I suspect if he’s controlling then that’s what he will do but again that’s not your responsibility to do anything about.

DoggyDwelling · 19/01/2023 12:21

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Original poster
thebfgatemyhomework · 19/01/2023 12:25

Thank you. I know that she will be ok going forward - if nothing else, I know that her mum will make sure of that. Your suggestion sounds good - thank you. I will see what can be worked out constructively (if anything)

OP posts:
Original poster
thebfgatemyhomework · 19/01/2023 12:29

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Thank you. I don't think we rushed things - but am never sure when would the right time should be. I think that after we met we became close very quickly because I did things with her and he doesn't rather than it being part of me trying to initiate a bond. He has encouraged that but, looking back, I think that was part of the controlling process.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 19/01/2023 12:30

Lkydfju · 19/01/2023 12:19

A bit of a brutal truth here but his DD might be upset but she will be ok and it’s his job to make sure it’s ok and as gentle as possible for her.
Id suggest to him that he tells his DD and then you take her out maybe the next time she’s with him then maybe in another month or 6 weeks see her; basically on a decreasing level so that you don’t just disappear from her life but not so it’s all the time either as realistically he will move on and your relationship with his DD won’t be ongoing. If he says no then that’s his choice and not your responsibility to manage; I suspect if he’s controlling then that’s what he will do but again that’s not your responsibility to do anything about.

Going from the op, this man is abusive and is using his daughter as leverage to keep the op in line. When she breaks up with him I can see one of two things happening. One being he refuses to let the op see his daughter to punish her, so she won’t even get the option of taking her out. Or two, she’s allowed to take her daughter out, but he’ll use this as an opportunity to continue to control the op. I think it needs to be accepted that all ties need to be severed cleanly, as shit as that is for the child who wasn’t protected from this

SummerInSun · 19/01/2023 12:34

A six year old who has only seen you on weekends (and presumably not every weekend) will be fine if you just quietly drop out of her life. Especially one with a loving mother. Don't be blackmailed into staying with a controlling jerk

Imogensmumma · 19/01/2023 12:35

You just need to end it and quickly. It’s only been 18 months, the longer you delay the greater the damage will be.

If you are truly worried about her after the dust has settled after the break up check in with her mum and offer to see her … or maybe even warn her mum what dad is saying.

lunar1 · 19/01/2023 12:41

The nature of a step parent means you have absolutely no ability to protect her from this, she may be damaged by it, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship forever.

The best thing you can do is end it quickly.

If it helps at all, I had a step mum in this situation for a while, she got in contact once I was an adult and we've been great friends for years.

milkymeg · 19/01/2023 12:49

This happened to my DD when she was a similar age. She was upset by it but I got her through it, as will this girl's mum. You're very kind to care though and well done for getting out of a toxic relationship x

StopFeckingFaffing · 19/01/2023 12:49

I would be prepared for the fact that your partner is very likely to refuse access to his DD once you split

Please don't use the above as a reason not to end the relationship though, just don't expect him to play ball

If you have contact details for his DD's Mum then you could perhaps let her know at the point you leave him just so she has a heads up

After the split you really need to focus on yourself and your own DC though and hope he does the same for his DD

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2023 12:52

This is not your problem or situation to manage.
Its nice that you are thinking about the child but there isn’t much you can do and it sounds like your ex will just use her to manipulate her so a quick clean break is best

Original poster
thebfgatemyhomework · 19/01/2023 12:57

Thank you so much for your comments and advice, everyone. Quite a bit to think about but I can see that the best course of action is to end things cleanly. I will definitely communicate with her Mum to give her a heads up. Again - thank you :)

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 19/01/2023 12:58

There’s isn’t much you can do. It’s all down to her parents. As stated above you have rushed into the relationship if after 18 months you are entwined in the kids’ lives. At 18 months into a relationship you should just be a friend of their dad’s who they’ve maybe met a few times. Not hanging out together and involved in their care. She’ll be fine though. And I hope you will be too.

DoggyDwelling · 19/01/2023 13:21

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MeridianB · 19/01/2023 14:50

It's lovely that you care, but the fact he's willing to use his 6yo to control and blackmail you makes him a truly unpleasant person. I'd end it straight away.

It's sad for his DD but PP is right, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

NewNameNigel · 19/01/2023 17:35

I don't understand why people are focusing on whether or not the relationship was rushed here. Even if it was that's not the ops responsibility. Its for the parents to manage this and not up to step parents to police.

Op this man is abusive and using his daughter to manipulate you. The only way for you to break free is a clean break. Put yourself first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2023 22:27

MeridianB · 19/01/2023 14:50

It's lovely that you care, but the fact he's willing to use his 6yo to control and blackmail you makes him a truly unpleasant person. I'd end it straight away.

It's sad for his DD but PP is right, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Absolutely. And don’t take to heart the kicking some posters are trying to give you. You’re posting for support leaving a man who’s manipulating and trying to control you and they still can’t help themselves. Which is all about them and not you 💐

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 22:40

How often have you seen this child? Was it every other weekend for about a year? If so that's not really that often. She will have people come and go in her life. The sooner the better though. Don't worry about saying goodbye etc. She will get over it, don't let him overstate your importance in her life.

LookyEre · 20/01/2023 23:40

Honestly? Just end it and move on. Don't be offering to take out his daughter or continue a relationship with her. It's been I'm assuming less than 18 months of EOW contact, I can't see how she'll be permanently damaged, no offense, by no longer seeing you. Sure she may find it upsetting at first but she'll be fine and you need to prioritise yourself and getting away from a controlling man.

Even if you did continue to see / speak to her you'd likely only be kicking the can down the road anyway until he finds someone else and then shuts off contact.

CheekyHobson · 20/01/2023 23:49

If you are on good terms with the mum you can always maintain a relationship with your SD through her rather than through your controlling ex. Chances seem good that her mum knows exactly what he is like.

CheekyHobson · 20/01/2023 23:53

Sorry, didn’t read the first post properly and thought you’ve been together six years.

For a shortish relationship maybe you could arrange with the mum to have a hot chocolate all together a couple of times over the next six months in the understanding that you’re doing a gentle fade-out rather than sudden vanishing.

ManchesterGirl2 · 20/01/2023 23:56

I wonder if it might be best to offer any continued contact to the mother rather than the father. Bit of a weird situation for her, but she sounds decent, and might be in the best position to know what contact, if any, would be most helpful for her daughter.

The father sounds awful and like he would use his daughter to continue to manipulate you, which is bad for both you and her. So I'd go no contact with him.

ManchesterGirl2 · 20/01/2023 23:57

Cross post :)

Reugny · 21/01/2023 05:43

Don't bother offering any contact.

Make a clean break.

If you do happen to see the child before you split then say "bye" otherwise you have to leave it for the parents to manage.

It isn't your duty to manage their child's emotions.

Original poster
thebfgatemyhomework · 21/01/2023 09:29

Thank you again, everyone, for your posts and particularly to those who recognised that this was all part of the controlling behaviour. Things have unfortunately escalated and the police are now involved. A clean break will be made. Thank you again :)

OP posts:
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