thorny financial issue!!!

[silkcushion]

Dh and I have been married 2 years. Dd is 12 weeks old. Dsc are 13 and 12 and live with his exw 80 miles away.

Have just worked out what maintenance should be on csa website - £320. We are paying £580.

Exw has a very small mortgage, she got everything when they divorced 9 years ago. She also has parents who give her a fortune. She moved a new boyfriend in last August (who does not work from what we can see).

The maintenance is just for the children as the exw always worked full time. She, dh and myself all earn about the same amount of money. When we married Dh insisted that we bought a huge house so we could have our own family but also his kids could have room each.

We have a 6 bedroom house and a £215k mortgage. She has a 4 bed house with a £60k mortgage. I have to return to work this week as we can't afford for my salary to drop to SMP. Nursery is going to cost about £650 per month (which we don't really have tbh).

I think dh should negotiate the payments to exw down - maybe to £450 per month (halfway). This would allow us to help with nursery costs and perhaps have a second dc (we both want one but can't afford it).

DH says he can't reduce payments as exw would tell his children he was refusing to pay for them and might stop access. I am very pissed off with this. They have several foreign holidays per year - we have none. dsc are spoilt rotten - playstations, trampolines, sky in their bedrooms. if i felt they needed the money i wouldn't suggest a reduction.

how do i handle this? i feel like dh is putting his stroppy exw before our family.

Housefull thats exactly as I see it but I'm sure that because the money is put into my bank account that ex thinks I am the one benefitting from his money when in fact it only benefits his (our) children.

Ex and his wife both work full time and have well paid jobs, my DH works full time but it doesn't pay very well and I can only work part time (evenings) because I cannot afford to pay for childcare in the school holidays and we live in such a rural area that I would need childcare before and after school to be able to work full time and there is no breakfast club at school or any child minders in this area.

Ex takes DC's away for 2 weeks every summer whereas we just about scraped together enough money to take them away on a short break for 4 nights.

mampam, according to my exs new wife. they are MY children and not his, so therefor he should not be contributing. The way she sees it is, since i am with somebody else, they should be my new husbands responsibility now, and not my ex husbands.

Personally, i think she has a screw loose.

My x sees the children twice a year, i had to accept that or nothing, in hindsight i wish i had accepted the nothing. But whats done is done.

I agree, she's definitely got a screw loose. Since I have been with DH the money ex has paid less and less, ie he used to contribute towards school uniforms and shoes but now there is no contribution, so not only is DH raising the children as they live with us, he is also supporting them financially. This of course Dh doesn't mind doing but in principle it's not right. Why should one man have to foot the bill financially for another mans children?

Think our exes are related ha ha. My ex told ahem, my children that last christmas they could not have a present as he had gone bankrupt as i had taken all his money off him. I only get what the csa says i am entitled too and not a penny more. Beleive me, he took four years to do that, so i darent even add up the arrears!!!!!! Yet her kids got whatever they wanted.

This summer he took her and her kids and grand child abroad, forgot to tell his kids. when they called him to ask where was their invite, the answer they got was, well your no longer my responsibility, ask your mum and dh to take you away i pay enough for you. I get £40 pw by the way.

Yes I get about £40 per week,(soon to be less now they've had baby!) DH and I always joke that if DC's only cost us £40 per week we'd be quids in!

I think what's worse in your situation is that your ex is spending money on and giving what they want to children that aren't even his. It's like he prefers his wifes children to his own. There's only one word for men like him and it begins with C!!!

I totally agree. I have called him words like that on more than one occassion, and his answer is, "well, this is the way things are get used to it". He takes no responsibility for MY children whatsoever.

I have spoken to his wife too, her answer was, why should her kids go without for mine to have. Can she not see that mine are going without a father.

Never mind. When he is old grey and lonely i will be the first to point out why!!!!!!!!!

Surfer mum, a very good summary of the situation!

Silk cushion, I'm sure you and your DH will work out the best way forward and hope it all goes okay.

I think it's best to try and keep the channels of communication open if possible if things between your DH and ex are amicable enough. These kind of issues can be so sensitive, but at least if you're all trying to communicate there's a chance they can be resolved easily. Imo a non-confrontational conversation would be the best way to start discussions. Surely a letter's all a bit formal and going to get ex-wife's back up straight away?

Fwiw, I think it's perfectly fair to have review of financial arrangements, and make adjustments when circumstance changes.

For example, that the additional amount agreed was specifically agreed to cover additional childcare costs, means that if the child isn't in childcare anymore, it's not a cost which needs re-imbursing.

At the end of the day, it's about him financially supporting all his kids in a way that's fair, equal, and within the realms of what he can actually afford.