How to handle to kids activities.

[howdowedeal]

Name change. Don't want to say my position in this.

Advice wanted from Mums and Step Mums alike.

Court order in place.

50/50 agreement as part of that weekends are alternated.

Other parent keeps arranging classes/signing children up for classes eg rugby/tennis and demanding we take them on our weekends.

Our family has younger DC and routines (inclusive of all children) eg visiting friends/family, hobbies we do together (sailing/swimming/ adventure walking) that aren't weekly due to arrangement. Above mentioned classes would mean these things can happen.

Is it reasonable to say no parent? And if so how? How are weekly activities managed in blended families so children don't miss out?

I was in the position of the stepmother.DH had the kids full time, with their mum having them eow.

DH wanted the kids to play team sports which happened on weekends. The mother simply refused to co-operate , which I could understand since she only saw them for alternative weekends. There was nothing we could do about it .

If you are the step mum, you and your DH can just say no.

It is difficult - do the SDCS want to do them?

You are effectively doing the same as the other parent - by saying we do our things and they take priority.

step kids often do lose out on activities when one family will not accommodate the childs wishes. Like in a non blended family - some give and take, ding fmily things together gets harder as they get older.

If you can’t do it you can’t do it that’s that just say no if anything like the drama we have to deal with you will get moaned at but hey you can’t do it

Separated parents should manage these things and support their dc in doing hobbies and activities between them at weekends. It would be awful if children were prevented from doing anything other than school consistently just because their parents have split up. So I don’t think it’s reasonable to say no, assuming the child wants to do the activities and there’s no real reason why the parent who is getting contact time with their child shouldn’t take them.

She can sign them up to whatever she wants but she can't dictate to you what you do with your time with them. She's basically trying to chose how you spend your weekend. No.

We have my DSD 50%, every other week but mum has her every Tuesday and us every Thursday. We wanted to start her at gymnastics so I had to find a class that was on on a Thursday. We also started her at football on a Sunday. Sunday is swap over day so we pick her up before football and drop her off after the following week.

Do you live close to their mother? Is there anyway you could have a similar arrangement to us so she could take them to activities on the day she has them every week?

If the kids want to do a certain weekly activity I'd say it's on both sets if parents to make it work. But only if the kids are really in to it. And maybe limited to one thing per kid otherwise it's unmanageable ( as it would be in lots of single household families). You do lose your weekends to kids activities for a hut especially if it's team sports-that's just the way it is.

I agree with this. If the

You don't arrange things for the other parents time unless the other parent has agreed

If the child wants to do these activities then I think both parents should try to facilitate that (although of course you can't be forced to). When your own DC are older and wants to do this kind of activity, will you say no to them?

If the kid wants to do these activities then mum takes them on her weekend, dad takes them on his weekend. No reason the kids should miss out.

I suspect it is all a matter of degree. How many step kids, what ages, how many activities, at what time.

So one thing at 9am on a Saturday, not too bad.
One thing 11am Sat, another 2pm Sat and a third 11am Sunday begins to mean too much time is blocked. Then if a parent has to drive and stay it becomes more of an issue.

My (adopted) DDs arrived with the elder one doing ballet and tap so we set up classes for her which were on a Sat morning. When she stopped them I said no more regular weekend commitments. However if we had adopted DC who were massively into sport I would probably have had to rethink.

But there are lots of things kids don't do because their parents realise logistically it isn't practical for them. The difference is they just don't offer them to their children.

The problem here is one parent has unilaterally signed children up even though they are de facto committing the other parent to take them. In a standard family one household setup you wouldn't do it, you would make sure it was feasible first.

In a family with say 4 children it's 'not fair' for 2 children to monopolise the weekend with their activities to the detriment of the other 2 children and family activities.

Yeah but she asked…

How are weekly activities managed in blended families so children don't miss out?

So I gave my answer for it, that’s how we manage it.

My SC do lots of activities - it's their choosing and things they love so it doesn't matter which parent arranges them, they get to go every weekend as if they would in a 'normal' family.

Because it should be about the kids, right?

Yes, it means our DC take a backseat sometimes but that would be the same in any family. Sometimes one child's activities take more time than anothers.

In an ideal world, the parents would discuss and agree before signing up. If one parent signs up for weekend clubs then the other is not obliged to attend on their weekends.

PP had good questions about how disruptive it is - numbers of clubs, timing, duration, location. How many weekends with DSC would you be conflicted? Is it every weekend and general lack of freedom or half or something else? These factors would make a difference.

I think when it's 50/50 it's slightly different to EOW though. If you literally only see the SDCs two days a fortnight then classes can be a real issue. But if the SDCs life is 'shared' equally, then so should things like clubs be.

We have 50/50. Our court order literally states neither parent may schedule an activity that falls across the other parents time without express consent of the other parent, in which they'd share the costs in that case.

Occasionally the DSC will express an interest in an activity that falls across both parents' time and they will discuss it with each other and make a decision. But mum can't just force DH to agree to it.

In our case mum has M/T and DH has W/Th with weekends alternating so there's tons of sport opportunities and classes on their individual days anyway.

Dp and his ex coparent like adults. So if DSCs wanted to do a weekend activity then both parents would discuss it, pay half if it was pricey and take them when they had the kids.

Dp and his made a decision to live close to each other til the kids got older to facilitate weekend clubs and their social activities as they got older. It makes things a lot easier for everyone.

I would agree to one activity as long as your stepchild wants it and do your best to facilitate it but if they miss it every so often then that’s just how it goes. We didn’t want DSD to miss out on activities she wanted but even with our own DC we sometimes miss classes if we have something else to do and it’s not the end of the world. Often these are term time only so some planning can be done around them.

Why can't dad commit availability to your kids on the weekends when his other children are not there, and then take his older children to their activities on the alternative weekends? The activities that you mentioned are activities in which pre-teens and teens typically participate. Dad has 2 sets of children and 4 to 5 weekends in a month. He should be able to allocate equal availability for all of the kids. Even in nuclear families it is not at all unusual for parents to split and take different children to their various activities.

Children should not lose the ability to participate in normal activities because their parents lives have become complicated.

When your kids are older will they be permitted to participate in rugby and tennis or any other sports activities that require regular weekend participation?

I think ages are relevant

if they are young and signed up to everything that’s one thing but if they are older, it’s their chosen hobby/ sport and weekly committiment is key eg football match then both parents need to facilitate that and other general family activities fit round it / like they would if parents still together

not fair that kids can’t do sports/ hobbies that require weekly commitment because one parent won’t take them on their weekend

I think it’s a bit harsh to not Co-operate if these are activities they really want to do.

I co-parent my child with her dad and also have step children.

It can be a bit tricky sometimes with activities, my ex and I discuss it upfront ahead of booking in activity that will impact the others time but 9/10 times we make it work.

My step children’s mum is less Co-operative which is unfortunate for them as they do miss out, but she is within her rights to do so, it’s her time.

I think it is better for the children to try and make it work but I appreciate there are other children in your home, which makes it all the more tricky to make work.

Thanks everyone.

So a couple of details:

Children are 4 & 9. The activity is for the 4 year old. We share an activity that they both attend each week (a different activity each). They also do an activity with one parent on their night and the 9 year old does one with us on our night. So 4 year old has 2 weekly activities and 9 year old has 3.

It's not about no co operating (and we haven't said no yet) .. it's about the co parent signing them up, timings not great, unwilling to discuss making it work another way, and being quite unpleasant about spouse not immediately agreeing. The issue is, the other weekend activity was set up by the co parent in the first case and it's actually a total faff.. there are better places the DC could do this activity, with more friends, closer by, but no it's miles away .. but DC settled now so we just do it.

I’m confused about what you already do and what’s new but it certainly sounds like the new thing that ex has signed up for is unworkable.

So say no. I’m not sure a 4yo needs tons of clubs, anyway.

Ex’s shirty reaction to not getting immediate capitulation is odd - presumably she wouldn’t be jumping at the chance to disrupt her weekends to accommodate clubs your DH had signed them up to!

50:50 is so awful for most children.