Df and I have been together for 3 years, we’re expecting our first child together this summer. Df has a dd7 from a previous short term relationship. I have a dd12 from a previous relationship.
DSD visits every second weekend throughout the year - those are the conditions set by her mother. She has always been an easy, happy child who will listen and has a good bond with my DD.
In the past 3 months DSD has become increasingly difficult to be around. I know she’s just a child and my hormones probably aren’t helping, but she has stopped listening and started behaving rudely. It isn’t connected to the baby as we haven’t told her yet, and there have been no other changes in her life to warrant it as far as we are aware. She has plenty of attention from df and the wider family.
When she arrives on the Saturday morning she will suddenly start touching everything, rearranging ornaments/photos, whilst ignoring our hello’s and attempts at hugs. I don’t allow either child to go into our bedroom or wear shoes upstairs, but she then goes upstairs in her wet/muddy wellies and lays on our bed reading a magazine and helping herself to my perfumes. We gently coax her downstairs for snacks and to get her toys out, but she will walk past us and head straight for the fridge where she will bite into several snacks but not finish them. Df has to repeat himself several times before she is aware anyone is speaking to her, sometimes he has to be very abrupt but she is still oblivious. Then she’ll sit on the sofa and chose a movie to watch where she will proceed to blank us until it ends and climb all over the couch in her shoes (it’s fairly new and has tears in it now).
She finds it funny and sadly df let’s her walk over him due to guilt over the low contact. This exact ‘routine’ has happened 5 times in a row now. It gets worse through the day and she will even wander into our room throughout the night for ‘cuddles’ but we find her going through drawers in other rooms instead of going back to bed. I tend to sleep with one eye open when she stays.
If we have a day out together such as a park walk or an indoor play centre, she will demand things from shops that df will get her regardless of the price. It upsets me as he ignores dd exists in these cases, but I’ve made a point of buying dd the same if he does this. I’ve began encouraging him to take DSD out alone or with his parents recently.
i have asked df if everything is okay with her at home, I wondered if she is going through stress at home or perhaps even showing some signs of autism/adhd as she is never still. He doesn’t see an issue and lets her continue, while knowing I find it rude and upsetting. She’s essentially ruling the roost when she visits and it’s not fair on my dd who isn’t allowed to behave in this way in her own home, never mind to sit and watch her ss get away with it so she locks herself away all weekend.
I feel awful for thinking it but I’m very relieved and sadly so is dd, when dsd goes home. She stayed Monday and Tuesday this week rather than the Christmas weekend, and this is where my patience is lost. She destroyed some of dd gifts and ate all her selection boxes despite having her own. She didn’t thank anyone for her gifts, not even my family who kindly bought her some things. And worst of all she emptied playdoh on the stairs which took all of today to remove.
it’s got to the point where I don’t feel I can cope with her staying anymore because I’m constantly on edge wondering what she will do or break next time. I’ve been crying this evening knowing when the baby arrives it will be hell on earth juggling her behaviour while caring for a newborn, but I don’t feel like I can be open to df as she is his daughter so of course he thinks the world of her.
I’m sadly wondering if I made a huge mistake settling with someone who already had a child, and is too soft with punishments, Im clearly not built to be step mum. I’ve tried so hard to treat her like my dd and build a bond with her, but I’m beginning to resent how I feel in my home when she stays. Df does 90% of the care for her so I can keep away, but I know eventually it will become obvious how I feel. I don’t know how to approach the subject with df without it becoming an argument, but I know something needs to change before the baby arrives. Everyone has their own parenting style but I have always strongly disagreed with how she is raised, I kept my mouth shut about that because I’d never judge parents for choices they make, but those choices have resulted in a child who knows no boundaries. My parents think she is acting up because she doesn’t want her dad to have a new family, but she has had 3 years of us altogether and has never behaved this way before.
can anyone advise me of how to handle this? Please be kind, it’s a first for me and I’m at a loss what to do short of ending the engagement and relationship altogether.