Communicating about medical issues - what's the norm?

[Aimees11]

Ok so first time poster here & apologise if this is long as think it's important I try and summarise everything.
I've been with my partner 4 years, lived together 2.5 and he has a DD (7) whom he has every other weekend for 4 nights. At the start of our relationship communication with his ex was at breaking point. He would receive multiple messages a day sometimes totally unrelated to their DD, phone calls if he didn't reply to her message within 30 minutes, stating things like 'I'm the mother of your child and you will pick up the phone to me'. He had tried numerous times politely asking her to only message if really important about their shared daughter and he began ignoring messages. In the end she took this to mediation (not entirely sure reasons as to why) but it was basically agreed that they only communicate via email moving forwards, unless an emergency which warrants a phone call and a contact schedule was officially agreed in writing. Partner was really happy with the outcome and the last 2 years have been pretty much smooth sailing. She did also meet someone fairly soon after so not sure if this had anything to do with it too (I imagine so!). His daughter would come round and say stuff like she had been to the doctors for this & that and had her eyes tested etc etc and my partner was never told about this. He didn't say anything at the time as tbh I don't think he wanted to rock the boat. I do feel that she was almost doing this deliberately as if to say 'you don't want contact therefore you won't have any'. Who knows really...
Anyways, roll on last week and he received an email from his ex a few hours prior to pick up, stating that pick up would have to be from her house & not school as normal as DD was unwell. At the pick up, she handed him some medication for DD and said that she had been at the walk-in centre 4 days ago as she had a very high temp. This was obviously news to my partner as he wasn't aware of any of this or the fact she had been off school all week.
My partner is obviously not happy with this, but equally doesn't know what to do? Does one go back to mediation to get this sorted? What do people here do about medical issues & communicating? Thank you!

I don’t know why you aimed that at me. And I don’t know how generalising / assumptions help the OP.
The problem expressed is about comms not fathers who don’t pull their weight.
My DSD, when she was 6ish, turned up one day with glasses. She could not explain when she should/should not wear them. Eventually a little info is extracted from mum. (I think possibly via the school liaison book but I don’t fully remember now)
A year later DP took his daughter for a follow up. Not at the same ophthalmologist as mum never did provide the details. This one said that no glasses were required. DP wrote to DSD’s mum with all the details to let her know as that’s the obvious thing to do.
Very recently DSD explained she had missed an after school activity as she was getting her eyes tested. She can’t remember if the outcome is she needs glasses again. Again no info from mum on the subject.
I responded on the thread as I can relate to a situation where there’s insufficient comms. My DSD has a couple of health things that require upkeep - when mum shares info from her side it always works out better for DSD. And when she withholds information it’s her daughter that suffers.

Please don’t come back at me with more generalisations - there are crap mums and dads out there. We all know that.

When you split, you are a parent on your own
The child did not split in two bite size chunks to make the admin easier for the parents. The child is still one person with one life, one pair of eyes, one set of teeth etc.

You keep up to date with what is going on in your child's life and you don't blame the other parent for not keeping you informed
Absolutely true for things like "who is little Tommy's latest best friend" or "what does little Tommy love to eat this week that he absolutely hated last week". Not true for things like illness. What are you meant to do? Phone the doctor weekly to see if your child has been in? No, each parent should be able to freely share that information with the other. It is absolutely not for a young child to relay what the doctor said or when the next dose of antibiotics is due and nobody will find out by osmosis or telepathy - parents need to use their words like big boys and girls.

Your ex is not your secretary or gate keeper to your child's life
For young children, parents are absolutely the gatekeepers. If Mum doesn't have to tell Dad what's been going on then it's the same the other way around. Not great for the child. Not great for anyone, actually. Just be a grown up.

He has his daughter 8 days out of the month. The rest of the month his ex is responsible for day to day parenting. Which includes minor illnesses.

He was informed she needed medication at hand over which is reasonable.

I would text my ex if she was on antibiotics or had a contagious illness that might affect her going ie vomiting bug etc, or a & e visit.

If she was ill during non contact time no I wouldn't text unless any of the above. Same with dentist/eye checks unless anything was needed as follow up.

Dh was similar with his son.

What is it your partner wants? To be notified if she attends a gp/needs meds? What if she has a temperature or is off school vomiting?

If he wants to ask for the information decide what he wants and email her.

But I don't think she has done anything wrong or spiteful she is just getting on with the day to day parenting of a young child.

DH took DSC to the hairdressers once - ex was not happy

Possibly a bit different because my ex and I have always been amicable and our arrangements for our child are more equal in terms of the time she has with us both -

but it wouldn’t occur to me to not tell him if our daughter was ill, even if only minority so or had an eye test etc. We message daily with updates, we’re not besties having a chat about life in general, it’s daughter specific, not onerous or intrusive.

I only contact my ex with hospital level stuff. He is not particularly interested in the details about eye tests but will happily collect a new pair of glasses if picking them up coincides with his weekend. He only tells me if they are ill and it involves the hospital. He knows how to take care of sick children so if they were sick or feverish, he'd know what to do and there's no point in me knowing when they are hours away.

If your partner's dd has just had an eye test and hasn't needed to change her glasses then he'll know that she is due the next one in 12 months time. Might be an idea to track this and offer to take her if he's interested. If she got new glasses then he should be relieved that her mum handled this stuff quickly.

It's taken my ex 10 years to register his details with the school and check the website for term dates. But now he's done it, he can participate in things like Parents Evening (which is online) He expected to be handheld through this kind of thing as if we were still together. I gave him hints and tips like check the school website for term dates but it's taken him a long time to get his shit together.

I think some is reasonable and others are not.

I'd have thought it would be reasonable to inform him of the walk in appointment after the high temp and a week off school but I think it's unreasonable to expect to be notified of every eye test.

Given he only sees her eight days a month, he isn't really an involved parent. Does he call his dd in between visits? If he went to the trouble of going to mediation to get minimal email only contact with his ex, he can hardly complain that she doesn't contact him about everyday illnesses. If it was an emergency or serious condition, yes but that isn't what is being talked about.

It sounds like your DH is abdicating all the responsibilty to his ex for routine appointments. He really needs to step up.

Apart from the opticians what routine appointments are available in your area on Saturday/Sunday?