When do you consider someone becomes a step parent?

[Teisen1990]

Hi all
Inspired by a post from yesterday when do you consider someone moves from 'significant other ' to 'stepmum/dad'. Is it a length of time? After marriage? When the biological parent says so?

We've been together 6 years and my DC who we live with, use the term "step-Dad" whereas DPs children, who don't live with us, and were adults when we met, just use my name and refer to me as their "Dad's girlfriend" to people who don't know me.

Totally their choice and always respected. I can't imagine it will change upon marriage.

Marriage.

Until that point, you are mum or dad’s partner.
After marriage, you are a step parent regardless of relationship with the child.

About 3 years in my case, they were little at the start though

@MissMaple82

Faulty logic as step parent has no legal standing in UK law, it's a courtesy term,

Ergo, marriage irrelevant, kids feelings are paramount

Marriage. Otherwise they're boyfriend/girlfriend etc.

Certainly at marriage.

Probably at the birth of a half sibling in an unmarried relationship.

Possibly after several years of living together when everyone involved sees this as a permanent and stable family relationship, but marriage is not on the cards for whatever reason.

I teach some teenagers who have had "six stepmothers" and I think that can be unsettling for them.

The exception might be if the children are adults not living at home when the parent remarries. If my parents divorced and remarried now I'm not sure I would view them as my "step dad" or "step mum."

Lol. Jeremy Kyle like. I get that totally. Not the case here thank goodness but I get why you did that 😁

My parents are both remarried for a very long time. The people they married are both good people but I have two parents. And I refer to their husbands and wife accordingly. They had no role in parenting me. They have been in my life a long time and I love them dearly but I do not refer to them as step parents.

Some very black and white responses here. In reality and on the boards here I see two scenarios …
scenario 1: The relationship between Mum or dad’s partner and the child(ren) can start to feel like a parent/child one at any time - and this is often what people mean when they talk about being a step-parent.
Scenario 2: mum/dad marries their partner and conventionally the partner is considered a stepparent regardless of the nature / quality of the relationship.

Both are valid. I’m not married to my partner but his daughter considers me to be her step mum and I consider that I am more than her dad’s girlfriend and that she and I have our own relationship, in which I’m her step mum.

I am married and officially a 'step mum' but I don't feel like one and I certainly don't class myself as that, or call myself that. I refer to the children as 'my husband's children'.

I think the parent part of step parent is almost a trick title tbh. You have no teeth legal or otherwise. It's a title with nearly only negative connotations.

I don't think it's down to the child to decide because no child would actually chose to have a step parent imo. The SC may think your great but most people recognise that they only have two parents and a step parent will never replace mum or dad and the parent part of step parent title adds confusion . I think either on marriage or on siblings being born is probably when the "offical" title comes in.

I don't really care why my DSD calls me tbh.

The first time my youngest DSS called me SM it made me feel sick (about 9 months into my relationship with DP.) I've got a dodgy SM of my own so it's a word with weight for me. I will always be his SM and we are close. His older brothers have never felt the same and there is no bond, I will always be Dads gf to them. My youngest DSS has always needed me and I have always been there for him even when I wasn't ready!

My partner's children and I have that bond. I love them and care for them. They're 14 and 12. The 12 year old calls me her stepmum, I haven't heard the 14 year old say it but we have that kind of relationship. They come to me for hugs, tell me when something is wrong, or need new uniform etc I'd say I started to feel like a stepmum soon after I moved in 4 years ago. I'd known them for about 4 years before that.

I referred to myself as a stepparent where necessary (calling nursery, school etc) once we had the wedding booked in.
DSS is 4, and when asked by his school friend at the gate yesterday whether I was his mum, he replied, "no that's my "hulahoop""
Which I got the warm fuzzies from tbh!

Thank you all for the replies its been quite interesting

Many seem to think being a step parent is something that comes after considerable time or a wedding. This leads me to a follow up question because often it seems to me on this board that a mum or sometimes dad's partner is expected to take on the responsibility of parenting much sooner than it seems they would be recognised as step parent?

For example taking care of SC when their parent is sick/asleep/ at work or contributing financially, 'love them like your own' type things. Therefore it seems to me- and I might have the unpopular opinion- that you're expected to act like a step parent significantly before anyone is willing to recognise your role as such? What do people think?

I agree - marriage means very little now and the introduction and use of the term “partner” has contributed to that.

Its about the sentiment. I don’t feel like a step parent, but I am in law.

For example taking care of SC when their parent is sick/asleep/ at work or contributing financially, 'love them like your own' type things. Therefore it seems to me- and I might have the unpopular opinion- that you're expected to act like a step parent significantly before anyone is willing to recognise your role as such? What do people think?

Societal expectations are just that you should sell your soul and depart with your own values, emotions, expectations of relationships and morph into whatever it is the Mother, father or child expect or want from you at any given moment without question. The status, title, length of relationship and commitment to the relationship are largely immaterial considerations for any outsider - other than as a stick to beat step parents with.

Why are you interested? It would be god to understand if you think you might be heading to step mum territory or have some other reason for raising this.

Personally and from reading the step parent AIBU threads you don't become a SP until you treat said SC like your born kids.

When I read threads saying "DP wants me to contribute I don't want to/ I'm pregnant can I ask SC not to come for x weeks/ I want to go out with DC not SC etc" to me regardless of marriage you aren't deserving of the title SP instead you are their mum or dads partner only.

@Meltingsocks

I don't think this is right at all, as it is certainly only legal upon marriage. However, this doesn't confer any legal responsibility for the child.

The High Court can issue a "Step-Parental Responsibilty Agreement", which can only be ordered to a person married to the child's parent (that the child resides with). Doesn't sound like a courtesy term to me and marriage is absolutely relevant.

@hedgehoglurker

They can issue exactly the same agreement for a non married partner too. Step parent means literally nothing in legal terms in the UK and the term is distracting.

Is it called "Step-Parental" though?

Do you have either a step child or your own child?
i have a step child only and I can tell you that, much as I love her, my feelings don’t equate to that of a parent with their child. It’s a simple fact, nothing negative.

You earn it. It's when the kids trust you

My long term partner lives in a different house to me and my adult dd. He call her his step daughter and vice versa.