How do you not let it ruin your relationship?

[Grownnn]

When you absolutely despise your step child's mother?

I won't go into the whole array of problems here but she's a manipulative, selfish and utterly horrid person and I'm getting to boiling point trying to hold myself back from saying something to her.

I've always let my husband deal with it and not gotten involved. I've never liked her but I always just thought I'd leave him to deal with her but I'm getting to the point where I'm struggling being the only person involved in this who can't actually say how they feel.

If I talk to my husband he doesn't want to know because 'its enough having to deal with her never mind both of us going on at him', I can't speak to her directly about it for obvious reasons.

But I feel like a pressure cooker, I absolutely hate her. I know that's a strong word but I do. Every stress in my life right now is surrounding her and her games.

I felt like I could sort of deal with it, just have a moan about her to my friends etc.. but she's even started bringing our child into it now too and that's too much for me.

She goes through stages where she'll be quiet and things will muddle along and them all of a sudden everything is a huge drama again and I just have to sit quietly.

I daydream about leaving and never having to deal with this woman ever again.

[washingwakeup]

And from that you went straight to implying they are wittering on, fixated, and spending mealtimes talking about her.

OP said they mention her, which you agreed is fine.

[roarfeckingroarr]

I find when I'm happy in life I just don't get upset by other car people's bullshit. Are you happy otherwise OP? Can you rise above it and separate yourself from her actions?

[lunar1]

As @washingwakeup said, I was responding to the comment which said 'never have her name mentioned in your house'

[SoggyPaper]

@washingwakeup

And from that you went straight to implying they are wittering on, fixated, and spending mealtimes talking about her.

OP said they mention her, which you agreed is fine.

I was responding to another poster who insisted they must be able to talk about her.

What that often looks like on stepfamilies is one of the two things I outlined. Children who feel they have to relate everything to their mum out of a misplaced sense of loyalty or a parent (either one) who uses them as reluctant spies in the other household. neither is healthy.

Its not helpful in general to insist that stepparents can’t draw boundaries and use tactics to limit how much talk about the other parent there is. Of course they might mention their other parent. But that’s not the same as talking about her.

The thing on these boards is that comments like ‘they have to be able to talk about her. They have one life.‘ tend to encourage a chain of posts that end up with your standard ‘evil SMs who don’t realise that their mother is the most important person in their life; how dare you not want to hear about this woman who is ruining your life in various ways. You knew what you were getting in to’.

So it’s worth pointing out that they do not need to talk about their mum. Nor is it healthy for her to be a frequent topic of conversation. And it’s totally fine to deploy tactics to divert and minimise how often she’s mentioned in your house.

[washingwakeup]

Of course they might mention their other parent. But that’s not the same as talking about her.

Make up your mind.

No one is stopping them talking about their mum though.

[washingwakeup]

Anyway, sorry for the derail OP.

I do agree with telling your husband you don't need to hear anything about her, especially if he won't listen to your feelings on her interference.

She doesn't need any contact with you, and he can deal with her by himself.

[YellowTools]

I ask my DH not to tell me. He used to screenshot their arguments and her venom, she was so nasty (perhaps still is) and I got really invested. I asked my DH not to talk to me about it or show it to me. Now I don’t really know how much they communicate or what about. It’s much nicer.

[SantiMakesMeLaugh]

Is your dh talking about her and telling you what she is saying about YOUR child for example?
He shouldn’t. Not if he also expects you to never say a bad word about her.

You need another way to deal with her in your couple. Atm it looks like he talks to her, tells you about all the awful things she is doing, uses you as a sounding board/emotional punching bag. But somehow you’re not allowed an opinion or feelings around her.
Instead, you should have United front (incl supporting each other, not just you supporting him). Or he deals with it all and never involves you unless it affects you/your child (not as good as a solution Imo - I would want more from my relationship)

[SoggyPaper]

@washingwakeup

Of course they might mention their other parent. But that’s not the same as talking about her.

Make up your mind.

No one is stopping them talking about their mum though.

Ok.

Mentioning is fine. Talking about her is to be discouraged.

That can be achieved without ‘stopping them’ from doing it. They don’t need to be told off or have her name vetoed.

They can just be quietly discouraged by diversion. Over time it’s likely that they’ll just not mention her very often at all because they know that all the conversational rewards are in focusing on the stuff that isn’t their mum.

‘we went to the zoo. It was really cool. There was a tiger and it was lying on its back.’ is conversation to be rewarded with attention.

‘mum took us to the zoo. Mum really likes seeing the tigers. Mum got us ice cream and she had strawberry flavour. That’s her favourite’ is conversation to be diverted.

See the difference.

[MellowY3llow]

@YellowTools

I ask my DH not to tell me. He used to screenshot their arguments and her venom, she was so nasty (perhaps still is) and I got really invested. I asked my DH not to talk to me about it or show it to me. Now I don’t really know how much they communicate or what about. It’s much nicer.

Yes he screenshots things. I've told him now I don't want to know anything again, I don't want to have a conversation with him about the woman ever again. In my bubble she doesn't exist now ha.

[MintJulia]

You don't have to deal with her. Don't speak to her or about her, leave all interaction to your dh.

I have nothing to do with my ex's new woman. There is no conversation, no interaction at all, and so we don't clash. My ex is our son's parent, so all conversation and input is to him.

After initial attempts on her part to interfere, complete silence has worked well for 10 years. Not a single falling out, and no raised blood pressure.

[WooNoodle]

How are you hearing these comments? You shouldn't have to be in contact her. Leave this to DH. He shouldn't be telling you the hurtful stuff. If the children are saying it he needs to speak to them.

I think if it involves your shared kids then DH should be open to discussing it with you.

[SandyY2K]

Loklok the kids shouldn't be stopped talking about their mum. From what little the OP has said this isn't the issue here.

It's the things the Ex says that she doesn't like and how her child gets brought into it.

She's not your coparent, so don't engage with her. She hasn't spoken to you directly and it should stay that way.

Tell your husband you don't want to hear any negative things she says to him...leave him to deal with it.

Unfortunately you cannot totally escape from the situation, unless you end your relationship...even then , your kids are half siblings and your child may end up coming into contact with her during your husband's custody time.

[Cherrytree333]

@Grownnn

I want to avoid talking about specific examples tbh as I don't want this to become an AIBU for being annoyed about X Y or Z, I don't want people's opinions on specific scenarios which I feel it would turn into if that makes sense?

The one thing I really get too wound up about though is when she says anything about my child. She never says anything literally about them personally, but it's all very manipulative 'oh it's okay now you have X' ect.. that sort of thing. There is no truth to anything she says but she uses it as a tool to guilt him and I hate it. It makes me go full mother mode because I want my child left out of her silliness but I have to hold back say anything.

‘She never says anything about them personally, but it’s all very manipulative oh it’s ok now you have X etc’

are you sure you’re not trying to blame her for anything and everything, without good reason?
By saying you despise and absolutely hate her, you are extremely critical and it comes across to me that you hate her because she’s the ex.

[Cherrytree333]

@Cherrytree333

‘She never says anything about them personally, but it’s all very manipulative oh it’s ok now you have X etc’

are you sure you’re not trying to blame her for anything and everything, without good reason?
By saying you despise and absolutely hate her, you are extremely critical and it comes across to me that you hate her because she’s the ex.

just because she’s the ex*

[denim321]

@lunar1

The children have to be able to talk about their mum, they shouldn't feel they can't, they don't live two lives.

Your husband can take on every single bit of contact with her though. So you never have to speak with her or listen to her again. He can completely stop telling you what she's doing or saying.

100% this. Kids should never be made to feel bad/awkward/wrong for talking about one of their parents.

I'm a SM but also a mum to a DD who has a SM who absolutely hates me. I've seen the effect this has had on my Dd and she picked up very early on that her SM doesn't like her mum and that she shouldn't have been spoken about in her presence. Don't underestimate what they pick up on and the impact it has on them

On the other hand, I'm not my DD's Sm's biggest fan (she was the OW) but I hide this from my daughter and tolerate her going one & on (&on) about how pretty/fun/great her SM is. Don't get me wrong it's hard but I do it for the sake of my Dd and to avoid her feeling torn or that she has to be loyal to one parent over the other

[denim321]

They can just be quietly discouraged by diversion. Over time it’s likely that they’ll just not mention her very often at all because they know that all the conversational rewards are in focusing on the stuff that isn’t their mum.

This is so depressing to read. You're talking about emotionally manipulating a child into not discussing a parent by rewarding them when they don't do so

[SoggyPaper]

@denim321

They can just be quietly discouraged by diversion. Over time it’s likely that they’ll just not mention her very often at all because they know that all the conversational rewards are in focusing on the stuff that isn’t their mum.

This is so depressing to read. You're talking about emotionally manipulating a child into not discussing a parent by rewarding them when they don't do so

No. I’m talking about discouraging making their mother the subject of conversation.

I don’t talk to my son about his dad. He rarely brings him up. Not because he’s being emotionally manipulated but because it’s simply not relevant or appropriate to be talking about him.

No one reacts in any way to the mention of his dad. But we don’t have conversations about his dad: what he thinks, what he does, etc. It’s none if my business and I’ve no right to invite or encourage DS to discuss his dad with me. He’s entitled to his relationship with his father - and the portion of his life spent with his father - independent of me and without my interference.

I doubt DS talks about me at his dad’s either. He might in passing say say something about one of us but it’s informational rather than conversational. He might say, ‘dad is taking me to Barcelona in the summer’. And the conversation will be about Barcelona not about his dad. There is always something in the conversation without actually talking about my ex.

In contrast, my husband talks to his other kids about their mother regularly. This is never healthy and it’s clear she does the same. It’s always about something more or less toxic: does she have a boyfriend (and how much shitter is he than their father thinks he is), does she have a job yet, what’s she spending her money on? Or even worse is directly about how crap their mother is and why.

She does the same - grills them for information and then has a go at him about stuff. They’re as bad as each other. And their kids are not emotionally healthy as a result. As far as I can tell, both parents have manipulated their children into using them as a complaints service about the other parent. Then the kids feel disloyal and guilty and start talking more about the other parent to try to make up for it. A day that starts out with one or other of them complaining that their mum is horrible and useless because X, Y and Z then becomes all about telling everyone how amazing she is - better than they are. And that is greeted by their father reminding them that she is actually shit.

Their children’s lives would be much, much better if neither of their parents talked about the other to them.

I grew up with divorced parents who did similarly awful things. They wanted to know what was going on so they could use it in their ongoing war. The fact is kids were collateral damage seemed to be of little consequence.

Polite disinterest and a focus on the more relevant stuff is far, far healthier. There really is no need to be talking about the other parent at all.

[denim321]

@SoggyPaper I actually agree with most of what you've said below

In my DDs situation she's expected to not even mention my existence in her SMs presence. For example, she had a sickness bug when she was 6 and was crying cos she missed me. Her dad said it was fine for her to miss me and gave her a hug then added - 'don't tell SM you're missing your mum, it'll upset her'. My DD has since said she's been told never to mention me in front of her

[Qwertyyui]

I read the below book and it really made me realise that there are deep rooted issues that cause people to act out. I deffo recommend I am way more checked out. Still cannot stand a mention of her name and feel physically sick when she phones with dread but it is no way near as bad as it was!!

Skirts at War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict

Book by Jenna Korf and Jennifer Newcomb