My stepson makes our lives hard.

[Strugglingstepparent]

Hi I have 3 step children all live with us permanently. We’ve lived together for 5 years. The 13 year old is a nightmare to live with started getting worse about 2 years ago. he constantly disrespects me he point blank tells me and his dad he hates us (no anger,hatred or being upset). He lies all the time try’s to get everyone else in trouble. He hurts the others and thinks it’s hilarious but will always try and blame them. He’s manipulative and sneaky. We’ve been to counselling but their techniques seem to make him think he can get away with everything. I’m struggling and don’t know how to handle him anymore. I’m not a shouty person but I’m starting to loose myself and feel myself wanting to scream. We’ve tried grounding, taking things away, talking the issues through but nothing phases him. Any advice?

I'd leave personally. There is only so much you can do as a step parent and whilst it's sad for the child I wouldn't sacrifice my life and happiness for someone else's child whom my influence over was limited.

Do you have any children of your own? Because if so I'd want them out of this situation as well.

I'd leave personally. There is only so much you can do as a step parent and whilst it's sad for the child I wouldn't sacrifice my life and happiness for someone else's child whom my influence over was limited.

Do you have any children of your own? Because if so I'd want them out of this situation as well.

Would the grandparents take him during the week? Is he better, the same or worse when his dad is around?

Shocking replies telling you to leave. That would just reinforce to him mothers can't be trusted.

A parent abandoning is a lifelong trauma. Poor kid. Hang in there.

Dad should try for alternative employment to share the load. Could you also get him.assessed for any neurodevelopmental difficulties?

Why is it shocking?

OP says she's miserable and dreads every day. Why would you stay, she's not his mother at the end of the day.

Especially if OP has her own DC to think of. Why should they grow up with a miserable stressed mother and a sibling who hits and behaves like this?

You get one life. It's not the boys fault that his parents have failed him but neither is it OPs. Why should she give up her life and happiness for this? I wouldn't personally and I'd judge no one who didn't.

No, OP you can and should make yourself a priority too. It is absolutely not your duty to live an unfulfilling and miserable life in an attempt to compensate for this child’s shortfalls - none of which were your doing. You are not in anyway obliged to work yourself into the ground for this child’s benefit. Let’s face it it doesn’t sound like it’s helping right now anyway!

what input does your DH have? And how have you reached a situation where you are the main carer and he is working away?

You shouldn't be picking up all of this on your own..his dh is abandoning him every week what was his plan if you weren't there?? He cant support his damaged teen at weekends....
All this stuff was happening to him at 6/7 years old and some of the behavior like writing on walls is showing hes stuck...
If his dad doesn't step up then i would leave as you may be part of a team with your dh but he needs more direct support and you are potentially part of the problem in his head ...

I have no official experience with ND etc, but it does sound like there is something going on above and beyond the trauma he has suffered

for me he’s testing the situation, the unconditional love he was supposed to get from his mother failed him, he’s lashing out and pushing everything and everyone away.

this is a very complicated situation, and it sounds hellish. For the sake of this child I don’t think leaving would be the answer.

his mum has gone, his dad works away.

dad needs to relocate his job, wfh, whatever it takes to reconnect with this boy.

worst comes to worse, could you all move to near where dad works? So there’s more time as a family?

I think you have worked with troubled teens? Is there any specialist help for a lad going down this bullying track? Any way you know of introducing him to the idea that other people have feelings too?

The very first thing I'd do is work on what the unmet need is. And it's astoundingly obvious in this case it's the total lack of relationship with his parents. His mum is absent, his father is too most of the time. He needs a present and consistent parent who loves him and wants to be around him.

Punishment is useless. It's about forcing the bad behaviour away. It's the relationship which creates the good behaviour. Dad need to look for another job. And message that he misses them and wants to spend time with them and that's why he's changing his schedule. The OP can search out common ground and things to connect with the children individually about. But it's the parent(s) who need to do the actual work.

He won't ever care about other people's feelings when his own are ignored by the two people who are supposed to care most about him. OP, it's interesting that you were a foster child. I wonder if this is why you've accepted a lot of the burden. Instead of expecting dad to do his actual primary job, of being a positive and present person in his children's lives.

I'm less than impressed that his dad is away working during the week and you have to deal with him.
His mum left and dad should be there, not leaving it to you.

He's a danger to his siblings and it doesn't seen like the therapy I'd helping him. He might need something more intensive..a child psychologist assessment.

You need his dad they're during the week.

Where is his father in all this? what is he doing to improve the situation and to support both you and his son?

It sounds like this kid went through a lot though. He is likely to act out because he is hurting not just because he is the source of all evil and inherently bad...

The main issue here is that is mother is gone, his father is not around much (so he probably feels his dad does not care ever) and you are left to pick up the pieces as you are the only authority/parental figure.

It is not right for his father to act in this way. Sorry but you need to put your foot down and make it clear his dad will need to be around more and get involved and that might include taking on a new job.

He sounds like a traumatised kid who needs psychological help ASAP.

He needs professional help to address the trauma of his mother abandoning him. No amount of punishing him will change this behaviour, it'll just make him resent you more. Get someone with experience of counselling teenagers who've undergone trauma. Good luck.

Prioritise yourself OP.

His Dad should absolutely have sought a job nearer to home.

You say you have 3 stepchildren?! & that youve lived together for 5 years - are you not even married to this man...?

You are being used for convenience and childcare. If you broach that he'd likely say not - but look at actions, not words.

& Dad would already have a job closer to home so he could help to raise his children, if he was interested. Family life is about more than bringing in an income.

Don't martyr yourself for the sake of a man. Tell him he absolutely must seek employment that enables him to come home every evening, and that he is to assist in getting special counselling for his son. You need to spell it out, so he can no longer hide behind his job keeping him away from home.

Personally Id be gone even after all that'd been arranged but if youre staying then you must take some ownership of situation, dont just let it happen to you. Step up.

Prioritise yourself
Boarding school ?

So his mother left and his father works away?

And you OP have stepped in to be free childcare for these children to the now detriment of your MH?

I have read it all.

Why have you so little value on your life that you would do this?

Really unbelievable.

His father needs to return home.

You need to pack your bags, take a break and reassess your life choices.

OP, you are a mug, a real mug.

It is one thing working as a team, but you have allowed the father abandon his children to you.

So wrong.

You need protecting from yourself, that you would allow yourself to be so used by him.

You won’t say if you’re married to the father or not?

The boy has been abandoned by both of his parents, it’s appalling of both of them, the father needs to step up, this is too huge of an issue to palm off, and it’s not your place to raise the boy alone.

You need to start pulling him in and have boundaries if you're going to stay.

My ds is 14 and not like your dss but he's been pushing my boundaries and going over the line. Every time he goes over the line he has to watch an Adam Sandler film with me. I then pause it everytime someone goes over the line and we talk about it. If he doesn't want to do it then the other choice is no tech and no going out for a week. He suffers the film but we've done it 3x now and I only have to mention the line and he pulls it back together.

Traumatised dc need firm boundaries and lots of love. It will probably get worse with his abandonment issues before it gets better.

My local women's aid have a child on parent violence service which also supports sibling on sibling violence. Might be worth giving your local women's aid a call to see if they can offer your dss and yourself some support.
How's his behaviour when his dad is home? Have you noticed a difference when he's home and when working away?

Dad works away week days he really needs to find a more local job and step up as a father, totally wrong landing it all on you in the week and likely contributing to your step son's issues.

Otherwise I agree with @itsgettingweird - there's a lot going on - he will have trauma but this could be in addition to being ND.

it must be very difficult for you OP.

When my dad wanted to leave my step mum it was absolutely clear to us kids that we'd stay with my step mum. Might it be an option to leave with the other 2 kids even if they're not "yours"?