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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

First meetings with partners kids

27 replies

Sosad7700 · 29/01/2022 21:59

I’ve been dating a man with two kids for a year . His ex has been with someone for four years . They share 50/50 custody . I have no kids of my own . I have met the kids a few times , but they dont seem very happy to see me . When I said good bye to them last time, they didn’t even look at me. I mentioned my upset to my other half and he was offended and said ‘don’t have a go at my kids ‘. Is this normal / does this get better ? They seem to have accepted their mums partner no problem .
Thanks

OP posts:

bluejelly · 29/01/2022 22:01

How old are his kids? If you have only met them a couple of times I would give it a few more times. It takes a while to build the relationship in my experience. Definitely see it as a long game!

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/01/2022 22:15

No it doesn’t get better. His defensiveness will be the end for your relationship. He allows his DCs to be rude to you and then when you mention it he’s annoyed with you. That’s your life as a step mum.

MooSakah · 30/01/2022 07:07

They are probably still warming to you. I'd ignore their relationship with their mother's partner as you are different people.

Your ex's defensiveness is a bit of an issue, you need to be able to openly discuss problem with him.

MeridianB · 30/01/2022 07:38

His reaction to something so simple is a huge red flag.

I agree these things take time but the way your DP parents and his ability to talk about problems are crucial to understanding what the future looks like for your relationship.

Make sure he gets tons of time with his children without you there and take your time. You get a choice, too!

Mogul · 30/01/2022 08:34

My OH kids are still like that 5 years in, I just leave them to it. OH insists on them saying hello goodbye etc though

sassbott · 30/01/2022 08:43

How old are the children?

Tbh no, I don’t believe it is normal. If my children didn’t properly say goodbye to anyone properly, I would pull them up on it there and then. Manners are important. They know that and therefore wouldn’t do it.

Second of all, his immediate defensiveness? Not great. You didn’t say anything that warranted defensiveness, you pointed something out. He should be able to hear you, respect your feelings (even if he doesn’t agree) and act accordingly. Parents who cannot do this when it comes to their children? I would run a mile, it doesn’t get better.

In your shoes, I would do one of a few things.

Bring this up with him and ask him to explain his reaction. (As an FYI don’t be fobbed off by ‘you don’t have children you don’t understand’).
Step back when you are next in this situation and observe. His parenting/ the dynamics/ the childrens behaviour. Does he adapt his behaviour and ask the children to mind their manners? Do the children at least acknowledge you? What is going on when it’s him/ his children and you there.
Really watch. Children are a huge part of any parents life (especially in a 50/50 scenario) and if you stay with him they will by proxy, have a huge impact on your life. Regardless of how little/ much you get involved. If the dynamic/ parenting is off now, it doesn’t magically improve.

SnowWhitesSM · 30/01/2022 08:43

Imagine bringing up dc to not have basic manners like saying goodbye.. and then getting defensive over it.

You could try to talk about this again. You could say something like - I felt like you got defensive when I said I was upset the other day. I want you to know I didnt mean to upset you, I am worried that your dc don't like me and felt uncomfortable to day bye. However, now I'm really worried that I won't be able to talk to you about anything to do with your dc and that's going to be a problem as no dc are perfect and if we're together for the long haul there are going to be times when they're rude/cheeky/i have concerns about something and I won't be able to talk to you. I get that parents are always going to feel a deep need to protect their dc but I really don't want to be seen as the enemy. I know you guys come as a team and I want to be part of that team when the times right. That is going to mean be moaning to you about normal dc things sometimes, are you in a position where you can take that?

See what he says to that. Otherwise run, I don't mean that lighthearted either.

GiantSpider · 30/01/2022 08:44

It's natural that they feel worried about how this will affect things for them, eg having to "share" their Dad with you. You can't really compare it to their Mum's partner because they were several years younger when they met him (younger children can often be more accepting and open to change) and also you don't know the details - it could have been tricky to begin with too.

We can't predict the future - it may be that you could eventually develop a nice relationship with them, or it could be that things are always a bit tricky. It honestly could go either way.

Are you prepared to put in lots of groundwork and may not get the response you want? Is this relationship worth it?

Your partner needs to step in and tell his kids off if they are rude to you, and it's a bad sign if he's not prepared to do so. Were they actually rude though? Or maybe just a bit shy and awkward?

Tigertealeaves · 30/01/2022 09:03

His reaction is the bit that would worry me. Not only is he dismissing your feelings but also isn't showing awareness of how his kids might be feeling with a new partner on the scene. Maybe they did ignore you. Because they have mixed feelings about him loving someone else as well as them. Is he prepared for that? Is he going to be able to help them negotiate it and accept his role as 'man in the middle' who cannot always please everyone? Beware of a parent who wants to blend you with his kids but ignores the difficult feelings that arise on both sides.

How old are the kids and do they know you are dad's partner?

NewYear8909 · 30/01/2022 09:06

I agree with Sassbott

It is rude not to say goodbye and that is basic manners that the parent should be correcting. Overtime they may warm to you.

But that isn’t the issue. Your DP’s reaction is a real red flag. It is hard to explain in a post how challenging being a step parent is, and I know you aren’t a step parent but I’m assuming at some point you would like to know that the relationship can develop that way.

Children behave badly as part and parcel of being a child, they don’t know any better, they don’t have good control of there emotions and so on. If your DP won’t step in when then behave badly then they are going to think they can treat you badly, it will likely lead to a horrible dynamic for you, it is a horrible place to be where you are a step parent in a situation like this.

I would raise the issue with DP again to see his reaction and if he is prepared to change the way he reacts to you. If not I’d run a mile...

AndAnotherNewOne · 30/01/2022 09:08

Run. If he won't discipline them over something so simple and obvious then it's likely that he lets them behave as they want to. Not a recipe for a peaceful life. Leave him to it.

Bananarama21 · 30/01/2022 09:10

Are you suddenly there all the time now? If so they might want resentful of their time been eaten into with a stranger which changes the dynamics. How old are they?

Just10moreminutesplease · 30/01/2022 09:11

How old are they OP? Getting a new stepparent is a huge deal. If you move in together, they will be living with an unrelated adult who they had no part in choosing.

When I met my lovely stepmum everything was kept low key at first- just a half hour here and there (I was around 7-8). Looking back, my dad had obviously prepped her on some topics of conversation that would appeal to me and my sister respectively. I’m sure we will have said hello and goodbye, but I remember feeling a little unsure on how to behave at first and she may well have thought we didn’t like her.

If it makes you feel any better, she’s a massive part of my life now and a brilliant granny to my little boy. I really love her.

aSofaNearYou · 30/01/2022 10:39

@RoyKentsChestHair

This.

His reaction is a massive red flag and I can't see it going well at all.

grecianurn82 · 30/01/2022 11:55

I think your dps reaction is a bigger problen than the childrens behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2022 11:58

@grecianurn82

I think your dps reaction is a bigger problen than the childrens behaviour.

Yep. They’re following his lead and he doesn’t seem to think you deserve basic civility. How horrible. He’s not a good parent and not a good partner.

It doesn’t have to be like this so I’d expect better for yourself and leave him.

gogohm · 30/01/2022 12:06

Depends on the age, Dp's dd hugs me now but took 2 years

CornishGem1975 · 30/01/2022 12:39

The children will become warmer over time, but the defensiveness NEVER goes away!

mugoftea456 · 30/01/2022 12:45

Are they shy children generally? One of my kids when they were younger would never say hi/bye or even thank you to people they had only met a few times. They came across incredibly rude, but in reality they were painfully shy. They soon grew out of it with confidence.

Kbyodjs · 30/01/2022 12:48

How old are the kids?
Red flags there I’m afraid; why isn’t he prompting them with basic manners and have a sensible conversation about your relationship with them

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/01/2022 12:50

It will never get better if his attitude is like that. Walk away!

Tattler2 · 30/01/2022 12:50

All children should be taught to be polite in any situation. Seemingly, with preteens and teens a grunt or nod in your direction may serve as hello or goodbye.

You are their father 's friend so it is his place to be happy to see you. There is no reason that his kids should necessarily have any feelings, happy or sad, about you visiting dad. You are a visitor there to spend time with dad; you are not there to visit with them.

You cannot compare their reaction to their mom's long standing relationship to a few meetings with you. Politeness is something that should always be exhibited Respect and involvement are things that must be earned and developed.

MooSakah · 30/01/2022 12:58

All children should be taught to be polite in any situation. I disagree. If they are in danger they need to be able to shout and scream and interrupt adults when talking.

GiantSpider · 30/01/2022 13:23

I agree with Tattler - they should be polite, but no one can make them be happy to see you. That's something which will (or may not) develop over time.

Tattler2 · 30/01/2022 13:26

Of course all children should be taught about danger and appropriate responses to danger and instinctive feelings something is wrong in this situation or with this person's actions or responses to me.

Children should be taught about both stranger danger and danger posed by people that they know and trust. All of this can be accomplished while teaching children about politeness and common courtesy.

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