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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step sister.

39 replies

sophiellxo · 16/12/2021 16:28

My partner and I recently had a little girl who is 6 months she's my partners second child my partner has another child from a previous relationship who is 3. Recently I have been feeling that my child is not equal or gets treated the same as his first from family on his side. His mum offered to take his first daughter to a Christmas event and my partner asked if she could take the youngest with her too and she said no. Their has not just been problems with his mum it's his gran and his dad too his gran bends over backwards for his first but doesn't do the same for our little girl I bought it up to which her reply was I need to remember the oldest was here first. And his dad takes the oldest every second weekend overnight but have barley spent 2 hours all together with the youngest any advice or am I blowing it out of proportion because she's my baby?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2021 08:38

@Anotherhill

Your dsd must have been very young when you got together with your dp. Do they hold that against you?

If they do then they'd be bastards both to blame OP rather than their son, and to translate that to treating OPs child less well!

IWasFunBeforeMum · 19/12/2021 08:44

I think if this stuff continues when baby is older (say 3 and 6) then yes it's an issue but right now who would want to take a baby who's not theirs to an event! That's a lot for a grandparent to take on.

sofakingcool · 19/12/2021 08:57

I don't really know what to think about this one. The "she was here first comment" - did she say anything else? I know when my second one was born my eldest found it difficult to cope with having a new baby around who took up a lot of time, so the eldest was given treats on his own to acknowledge that he wasn't being pushed out.

Would you think differently if both of the girls were yours and the grandparents were just doing a bit of the above? Before anyone jumps I'm not accusing you of anything, I just wonder if you are looking for a distinction between the treatment as you are expecting it? Hope that makes sense, hard to explain!

That said, if they are being unreasonable and continue to treat the first granddaughter as more important etc as your little gets older, then they need to stop it.
Currently though, I'd err on the side that she is a baby, the activities they have done with the older child aren't necessarily baby friendly. Sadly some people just aren't into babies (grandparents included).

ZenNudist · 19/12/2021 09:05

Babies are not very interesting and hard work. It's likely that when your dd is 3 they might want to take her out for treats too.its also possible that they will play favourites slightly but it's not the end of the world.

Why would you want to give a 6mo baby to grandparents or great grandparents for any length of time. When mine were that age they stayed with me, or maybe with dh all the time.

Avaynia · 19/12/2021 12:38

Would you want to be away from you six month old for an event like that? I feel like that’s less common when they’re that age or parents want to tag along for the “first” which changes the dynamic.

I agree with the others that it’s probably the fact that she’s just a baby rather than being the second child. Also managing a toddler and an infant is going to be harder. What was the context of the “she was here first” comment? The older child also might just need more attention with the change of a new stepmom and a new baby in the household, especially if she doesn’t have as much time around all of you. It’s something to keep an eye but I don’t know that it’s cause for conflict at this point.

gsaoej · 19/12/2021 12:58

a 3yo would get much more from being taken to these places than a 6mo

Tattler2 · 19/12/2021 13:14

OP, taking an infant any place requires taking all of the paraphernalia that must accompany an infant. The child is not mobile and requires not only attention but feeding and changing, etc. While this may be pleasant to the parents, it is a chore for anyone else.

When your child is older, the grandparents will probably gladly take the child on outings . Until then , you must be reasonable and measured in your expectations. Enjoy the time with your baby; when the grandparents have the older child ,you can have uninterrupted time with your baby.

Tattler2 · 19/12/2021 13:37

OP, his parents and grandparents may think that by taking the older child that they are giving him bonding time with the new baby.

3peassuit · 19/12/2021 13:45

I wouldn’t take a 6 month old to a Christmas event. There will be plenty of occasions to take both children out together when the baby is older.

Mumdiva99 · 19/12/2021 13:58

So if she's 3, she was 2 1/2 when her half sister was born, 1 1/2 when you got PG. How old was she when her parents split up? How quickly did your partner move on from her mum to you? How long did he actually try to make the relationship work? I think this is definitely a slur on the relationship between the two of you. However, I don't really think there is anything you can do. If that's how they feel the that's how they feel. I also think your baby wouldn't get anything out of a Christmas trip now.

You might need to slowly make a relationship with them. Show them you and your partner are serious and that you are here to stay. Gradually I'm sure your child will become as special to them. (I apologise for keep saying you......I mean you and your partner- it's probably more down to him than you as it's his family.)

MollysDolly · 19/12/2021 14:07

her reply was I need to remember the oldest was here first

No.

Her reply can be "at 6m the baby won't even notice being taken to Christmas events" but not, "well, the other one was here first".

That's what you say to people trying to queue jump. I was here first, so please take your place behind me. Ask MIL why it is, that because one mother achieved such a grand accomplishment of becoming pregnant first, that your child should be treated less equal. Because that is the exact "difference" between the two children. One mother had hers earlier on a time line.

You have not produced a second class citizen. This is an equal child. And if they want to treat her as such, then they can spend all their time on the fabulous child who did nothing other than appear 2.5yrs before your child. It's actually disgusting when people behave like this.

Anotherhill · 19/12/2021 15:53

Assuming the three year old doesn’t live with you full time, I’m a bit shocked that your dp lets him have her 1 night a fortnight. How often do you have her? Are the grandparents trying to makeup for your dp’s shortcomings?

Tattler2 · 19/12/2021 19:06

@MollysDolly
The grandparents saying that the one child was here first is probably just there way of saying that she is older and easier to manage. There is probably no thought of first vs second class status or citizenship.

The grandparents are actually providing the OP and her husband extra time to bond alone with their baby. Some parents might be appreciative for that time. I doubt the Xmas event was planned to appeal to a 6 month old audience as for the grandad and overnights, he too is probably not very comfortable with being responsible for a 6 month old baby.

BlindMum · 21/12/2021 23:48

I understand where you are coming from same situation here in-laws can’t get enough of 6 year old SC but they haven’t spent more than 5 hours on total with our 8 month old

Lucky for my boy my mum loves him to bits and visits for a full day every other week due to the distance and work the way I see it is when they grow up they will understand how they were treated

However I do think in your case it’s more they couldn’t be bothered with a baby

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