How do you split child costs?

[Rosebella215]

I’ve been with my partner 2 years and he has his daughter Friday to Tuesday every other weekend plus every Monday (he worlds shifts). He pays a set amount to his ex monthly which is £500.
Recently the ex has been asking for extra money to cover costs like school uniform, extra kit for a club etc. Now I know this isn’t entirely relevant but ex works from home 3 days a week so does not pay any child care fees as school is round the corner also. My partner is of the opinion that the monthly amount should cover the occasional new pair of school shoes or a new school bag but she is asking for extra.
What is everyone’s thoughts on this please? He has always said that when she is older things like bigger school trips he would go halves on but it seems these little cost requests are becoming more frequent.
Also I might add that for background, we know also recently that she has been referring to him as a ‘dead beat’ dad on her social media and tbh I have no idea why and I find it hurtful. He has never left his daughter down, always been there when he said he would, never missed a payment, we’ve taken her on holiday twice, all have a great relationship & we are buying a home soon and letting her pick out her room & decorate it etc (for the record I have no kids of my own).
My partner & his ex don’t have a good relationship & they have been through mediation etc. It basically came down to the fact that she was very controlling even after the split and would harass him on weekends when we had his daughter & it just fell apart. I personally think that she still wants him on demand to make her own life easier and isn’t related to her daughter….
Just to add also that his ex kept the old family home which only has a very small mortgage as my partner understandably didn’t want his daughter having to move. He has had to start again in that area as we have been renting the past few years.
That turned into a long story but any advice would be great!

when it dropped she stopped contact).

Not a great result then. Sadly this is the only lever some people have.

I hope it was only temporary.

Well what i mean is sadly, some people resort to using contact as a lever.

It is unfortunate that children and money are so often conflated by parents and step parents.
Rarely is there a winner and the children are always the losers.

Parents who remain together or who remain committed to the same life style and view of that which they want to provide for their children rarely subscribe to the view that they are doing too much for their joint children. It is only when people separate and do not remain committed to the same objectives for their children that money seems to become conflated with their children.

My ex pays CMS plus half of nursery costs. It's only fair that the non resident parent pays half of additional costs.

Her income is irrelevant. Which is why CMS do not consider it.

@Rosebella215

I don’t know either if her income is relevant however it is about £1200 a month I believe, but that’s 3 days, perhaps she could work 5 as there is no child care costs and works from home….we aren’t loaded whatsoever but live comfortably enough though we save most currently to buy a home… The whole dad shaming bit worries me more tbh thinking about it…

Why should she have to work full time? The father should pay CMS plus half of necessities like uniform

The obligation to support a child exists only between the people who created that life; b it does not extend by association to a third party who enters into a Subaru relationship with either parent.

What is CMS for if not "necessities"?
Extras like expensive school trips are one thing, school shoes are a basic necessity and ongoing cost of child rearing which is what maintainance is for IMO.

Why should she have to work full time? The father should pay CMS plus half of necessities like uniform OP has already said they pay for uniform at their house. So that is basically paying half by actually buying it.

I think money towards housing, food, personal care and clothing (including uniform) are probably “necessities”. Your partner I assume provides all these items at your home. DM should be using the maintenance she is paid to cover these. Personally I don’t think things like school shoes etc are a “surprise”.

Personally having been in the situation where DP was overpaying but the money goes on ludicrous extravagant things rather than replacing old worn clothing. The payment has been cut to what it should be. I am possibly tarring everyone with the same brush, but unless you have an exact figure (so to be honest I would recalculate based on your current circumstances) and you outline what is to be covered by that, then it will never be enough even if he gave the shirt off his back. But at least you have an evidence base for it.

I think splitting some things 50/50 is reasonable. But as your DP is over paying I would argue that this is “extra” so any surprise expenses could be taken out of that. If is really that unmanageable for DM then she should communicate that to your DP and they come to an agreement like adults.

Why should she have to work full time?

I find it so odd that anyone would expect their ex to subsidize them so they don't have to work full-time. Of course nrps should pay for their children but providing two decent homes for children is more expensive than providing one and both parents need to step up to do this.

Would it be acceptable for the an NRP dad to decide go go part time and reduce spending on his child? If not then why is it ok for the mother to do this?

Aside from anything else it puts the mum in a very precarious position. If the dad loses his job or suffers from ill health and is unable to work then she'll have to support herself and doing so on a part time wage is very difficult.

And what about contributing to a pension?

Child support doesn't keep being paid forever. I think women do themselves a huge disservice by not fulfilling their earning potential because of it.

The father should pay CMS plus half of necessities like uniform

Why? What do you think the money he pays in maintenance is supposed to be for if it’s not things the child needs like uniform? I’d agree if the amount of monthly maintenance was tiny, but nit when it’s £500.

In our situation dp pays an agreed amount each month and they split big things like school trips and school lunches (which are paid termly). With clothes either parent will buy as and when needed and they don't charge each other half as it all kind of works out - they are both high earners so don't need to quibble over small amounts (I'm aware that not everyone is so fortunate).

I don't ask my ex for contributions towards school uniform or school trips, that's what the child maintenance he pays is for in my opinion. If it's a more expensive residential trip then we would split the costs.

My ex pays me £200 per month for two kids (50:50 split on time) If I were to contribute that equally, it would be £400 a month, which more than covers their expenses.

@CornishGem1975
If 400 a month covers your children' s portion of rent, utilities, food, school expenses, transportation, medical, and minimal extracurricular and occasional fun activities, you must live in a part of the world that has not yet met inflation or any of the cost of living standards in most first world countries.

@Tattler2
Since the arrangement is 50/50 and both parents have the same expenses, no maintenance is technically due so I'm reading it as the £200 is over and above the standard money paid out by both parents in their home. @CornishGem1975 is this right?

@Youseethethingis
If your interpretation is correct, then 400 a month may be adequate under those circumstances.

@CornishGem1975

I don't ask my ex for contributions towards school uniform or school trips, that's what the child maintenance he pays is for in my opinion. If it's a more expensive residential trip then we would split the costs.

My ex pays me £200 per month for two kids (50:50 split on time) If I were to contribute that equally, it would be £400 a month, which more than covers their expenses.

Does this also include the expenses your ex incurs when he has the children?

For those asking...yes as 50:50 technically he doesn't have to pay me anything but he contributes £200 and I use that for school uniforms, trips, books, lunches, basic clothing etc.

I don't see him as needing to contribute to rent, utilities, transportation etc as regardless of whether the kids are there that cost is pretty much the same. I have to pay it to live in my house either way. As does he.

When they are with him he pays for their food and living costs, he pays their phone bills too.

@Tattler2 I live in the part of the world that has free NHS so I don't have to pay any medical fees either...

I hate the fact that child maintenance is expected to cover housing costs for the RP. It shouldn't and this is part of the problem. It generates greed.

500 a month should easily cover food, clothing and school trips , that's 6k a year

@Rebornagain

I hate the fact that child maintenance is expected to cover housing costs for the RP. It shouldn't and this is part of the problem. It generates greed.

500 a month should easily cover food, clothing and school trips , that's 6k a year

Why shouldn't the NRP have to contribute towards the DCs housing costs? My ex doesn't ever have our DC overnight, his choice not mine. He therefore has no housing costs relating to them. I do. I need a bigger house, I can't just rent a room in a house share. Why should I be the only parent responsible for that. If they had bedrooms, clothes and every thing else at their dads I might view it differently.

I'm all for single mothers and am well aware of the cost of children so normally lean towards RP side but £500 for one child does seem a lot? What salary is your partner on? I get £475 for three kids and my EXH is on over £70k!!!

@Rebornagain
A lot of the cost related to child rearing depends largely upon the quality of life upon which you mutually agree that too want to provide for your children. In our case, we agreed long before we had the kids that we wanted them to attend private schools. The 500 a month
not cover monthly tuition would both kids.
We do not consider this to be a luxury; we consider a necessity for which we are both willing and capable of working very hard to provide.
This cost would not be factored in any government maintenance calculation , but we consider it to be as important as food or shelter in determining the quality of life that we wish to provide for our children.

What is essential and realistic really depends upon individual family goals and resources.

I guess that's the difference @CiaoForDiNiaoSaur My DC do have their own bedrooms etc at their dad's house, and computers, etc It's equally the same whether they are here or there.

@CornishGem1975

I guess that's the difference *@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur* My DC do have their own bedrooms etc at their dad's house, and computers, etc It's equally the same whether they are here or there.

That's why a one size fits all approach will never work for everyone. The one holiday ex has taken them on since we separated 12 years ago I had to provide everything. Including toothpaste, suncream and spending money Apparently the £12 p/w I was getting then was meant to cover that. Oh and of course he tried to get away with not paying it that week as they weren't at home so Apparently weren't costing me anything. Weirdly my landlord didn't reduce my rent that week because 2 of the beds were empty!