Indulging kids

[squishy20]

Does anyone else have a DP that indulges every single thing the kids ask for? My partner literally cannot say no to his kids (SS12 and SD10). Snacks, sweets, treats, drinks, Roblox/Fortnite digital coin things, days out, stopping at the corner shop for a treat, activities (or stopping an activity early because they're bored)... you name it, they ask for it, they get it. I don't ever recall him saying no to anything they have requested.
It's absolutely infuriating to watch from the sidelines. I'd love to just "Nacho" it but often it impacts me and why should I have to compromise? Our life revolves around indulging every whim of his kids.

How do you cope with it?

@squishy20
You are mistaken, the kids don't have all of the power; it is your husband who has all of the power. You , as an adult, are choosing to go where he decides to go. The kids , much like you are simply voicing their preferences. It sounds as though in your household, your husband has the ultimate authority to make such decisions.

You are an adult, if you prefer to do something different , what stops you from doing so. It is somewhat disingenuous for an adult to say that another adult prevents them from doing something. Your husband can determine the when, where, and what for his children , but he certainly should not be doing that for you. This can only happen if you permit to happen.

Reclaim your adult autonomy and control over your time and actions and leave him to decision making related to his children. If you absent yourself from some of these activities, you may be missed, but on the other hand, you may find that you enjoy the time apart much more than the forced time together.

My DH is a Disney dad and SS lives here it's so annoying

[quote Coffeepot72]@BadlyFormedQuestion absolutely. Our life used to be completed dominated by a non resident teenager. It was ridiculous[/quote]
It is so nice to have all my weekends back to myself now I’m no longer living with my H.

It’s all very well claiming that it’s somehow a SM’s choice to have her weekends dominated by Disney dad whim catering. But it’s just not that simple. It comes into your house and takes over. So your choice is to suffer through it or vacate your own home half of all the weekends. And your faces with all sorts of crap from the Disney dad who doesn’t want to spend the whole weekend with the hugely demanding children he’s cultivating all in his own.

Nonresident fathers should actually consider their wives and partners experience of their contact with their children, but some of them totally fail to do so.

Oh yes @Ibizafun - we have the fixing the games so youngest wins too! Plus the over top praise because a card matched/a piece moved on the board. I’m all for celebrating successes but celebrating ordinary game play is cringe.

Thanks everyone for the input. It’s a mixed bag of perspectives which helps. I didn’t want or expect everyone just to agree with me!

I suffer with bad anxiety and the ‘Disney Dad’ behaviour is super triggering for me. Hard to explain it articulate, but it sends me into overdrive of anxious thought cycle “do I intervene?”, “do I ignore it?”, “why did he just let them do that?”, “am I a bad step mum?”, “would I be better off out the house?” Plus a multitude of other anxious rational and irrational thinking.
All the guides seem to suggest “disengage”/“nacho” which seems logical and rational but my mind struggles with letting go because ultimately I’m an empath and I know what he’s doing is not best for the kids and not helpful for him either. It’s hard to watch those that you care about enact destructive behaviours.

I do talk to DP about this and he largely listen. He highlighted some changes he’s made (which he has) but said that I’m just frustrated that they’re not happening soon enough for me… but how long do you wait!!! Kids are adults before you blink- I know as I have two adult children of my own!!

Anyway thanks for this space here to be able to vocalise the struggles because step parenting is so bloomin’ lonely sometimes

I let DP get on with it. If he wants to indulge them he can and if there is any fall out he deals with it.

If I feel myself getting annoyed with DSDs I remove myself from the situation.

@Ibizafun

RaisedByPangolins I have one like yours. When I met him his children had never heard the word no, and he used to make sure the youngest won every game we played.. she was not allowed to lose.

We got married, I reined him in as the requests got bigger and more ridiculous and now they hate me.

squishy20 It makes my blood boil. Now they are adults, when I see him sending them money he just says “they didn’t ask, I offered!”

Yeah I can’t see it getting any better with mine either! The indulgences will just get bigger and more expensive.

My DS has worked all summer and saved up £3k to buy himself a car & insurance. His DD turned 17 this year to and he asked me yesterday “who do think is going to pay for her car etc? Me. Her mum won’t be doing it. Your DS is ok as his dad will be paying for his.” Erm nope. He’ll be paying for it himself. Because while XH could definitely afford it, thankfully he won’t indulge our DCs like DP does with his. Glad to have procreated with a tight arse at this point

squishy I definitely couldn’t be dealing with Disney dadding once mine are all grown up. I don’t know how you do it! Honestly do yourself a favour and step away from the crazy! Reading StepMonster helped me to see that there’s more than one way to be a ‘step parent’ and that you have to protect yourself and your own DC first. It also said to never move it with someone else’s teenage girls! Either blend before they hit puberty or after, but not during . Has kept me from making the biggest mistake of my life, I believe.

Move in*

Just do your own thing when they come, OP. My DH gets frustrated that I make plans for when SC come, but he treats them like this too and I have no interest in being around it, it’s embarrassing to watch him fawn over them and them order him around. I spent too long getting annoyed when nothing was ever going to change, I just removed myself from the situation instead.

@KylieKoKo

I let DP get on with it. If he wants to indulge them he can and if there is any fall out he deals with it.

If I feel myself getting annoyed with DSDs I remove myself from the situation.

I do the same. Makes life much easier.