Treating kids as a 'Collective'

[Nonose]

I've noticed for a while that my dhs sons are treated as a 'Collective' by birth parents. So it's 'the boys this, the boys that' which is fine but the younger one has never really been where he should be for his age and I think it's in part due to this thinking. For example, the younger one (nearly 16) would nerve think to send a text or buy a gift as an individual as the older one always does it for him or he is told to include his younger brother. My dh has been in Hospiral today for a procedure and he said 'the boys text to serve their love', turns out it was just the older one who sent it. I wonder why DH feels the need to say it's from both when it's clearly just from 1. My husband has had quite thoughtful gifts from older ss but I've heard him telling other people 'oh the boys got me this'. When younger ss had no involvement?? There are lots of examples of this - I just feel this has been a hindrance to younger ss actually coming on as an individual. He never thinks of his own accord even asking if he should put his shoes on if we are going out!?!? Has anyone else thought/ce across this? I have an only child- so perhaps I might behave this way if I had more than 1 but to be honest, I find it really odd.

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
I have no more thoughts on the OP's post, but as to your comment about what is to be expected within a marriage, if some particular action or behavior of his children makes my husband happy then I am happy for and with him. We can and do share information ,but neither of us ever offers parenting advice or opinions about the other's children unless it is specifically asked for or it is a behavior that is in some way affecting us all.

We are very respectful of each other's right to parent as we think best and cognizant of the fact that there are many different parenting routes that all lead to good outcomes.

It is not indifference to the child 's behavior or lack of an opinion that causes us to step back but a mutually agreed upon respect for the other's right to be the parent that they choose to be.

I am not advocating this practice as best for everyone or even a few ,but it has saved us from being unnecessarily judgemental about issues that can cause hard feelings and conflict. We each feel supported in our choice to be the parents that we choose to be.[/quote]
I respect that, it's fair enough that you choose to operate that way. But I will say that my partner would not want that, he welcomes and seeks out my input and opinion when it comes to his son, it gives him joy that I would care enough to give it. Different strokes for different folks.

@aSofaNearYou
So many different routes lead to the same destination.

The gift was used as an example, but I think what the OP is saying, is that the kids are referred to in a collective manner and that's not uncommon in my experience.

My brother would be the last to organise gifts and we'd often remind him to buy a mother's day card even when we'd all left home, but financially, he earns the most of all of us. He got a first class in his degree and what happened as kids and him being the last to organise stuff to organise things hasn't rendered him useless in life.

@Tattler2

I don't think the OP is complaining as such, more that she's made an observation that she finds strange and thinks it will hinder her SS in terms of thinking for himself.

It's not that much different to only one parent being proactive to purchase gifts for the kids (usually signed from mum and dad) but, really it's mum who tends to remember and get the gift.