How do you feel about being called Stepmum/Stepdad?

[ChickpeaCrunch]

How do you feel about being called Stepmum/Stepdad?

I personally hate it. It is loaded with societies expectations. Some people expect me to take a "mum" role. Others mention evil stepmothers (haha..not).

I don't identify with the word. I am just me, my husband's wife and whilst I do care about my stepchildren I wish there was another term. I don't "parent' them.

I feel I have to use it as I have no other word to use. It is "just a term" but I wish there were another.

I feel fine about it. They call me by my name but refer to me as their step mum and they mean it nicely. They like having a step mum. It would feel far weirder if we were meeting someone and they referred to me as their dad’s wife. I am, but I’m also their step mum and their sister’s mum.

Other people’s expectations aren’t your problem. If the dynamic you have works for you and your husband then don’t let what other people think or try to project onto you bother you.

DSCs mother told them I wasn’t allowed to be referred to as step mom. Not that I ever asked to be or wanted to be. Quite happy just being dad’s wife really.

Dp's dd calls me by my name but when talking to others refers to us as her parents, then I heard my own dd doing the same. We found the kids (young adults) respected us as parental figures almost straight away despite never asking them to - perhaps that's the trick, though helps them being older so less actual parenting needed, more a confidant, wallet and taxi service

The first time I was referred to as DSS step mother I felt physically sick. Let's just say I have not got the worlds best relationship with my own SM. DSS refers to me by my name but I had to deal with loads of school & health problems as his SM. As my DP really struggles due to a disability. I was and still am very involved with him even though he's an adult now. I'm really very proud of him as he's overcome a lot of adversity.

He's very lucky to have you @honeygriff

Not quite the same but my DS refers to my DP (when talking about us both) as his "parents" but wouldn't ever call my DP his step-dad. We aren't married so he isn't anyway.

My DS was 16 nearly 17 when he met DP so he was too old to see him as Dad. But we now have a DD and I think calling us his parents addresses any concerns / fears he has about not being part of the family. He most definitely is and is included in pretty much everything we do (he is also a brilliant brother).

My Dad met someone after splitting with my mum and they've now been together for about 30 years. I still can't refer to her as my parent - she's still my Dad's partner.

My son has a step mum and a step dad but uses their first names. If he is talking about them to someone else he will call them step mum and step dad though. He’s almost 9 and both been in his life since before he was 2.

I don't use the term in real life and I'm not sure how the children refer to me when I'm not there. When talking to me they call me by my first time.

Our relationship is more like fun auntie than a parental one as I don't discipline them or get involved in making significant decisions about their lives.

This works well for us as we get on really well and DPs ex doesn't cause any issues because she doesn't feel that I'm treading on her toes.

Kinda let my SC decide what she wants to call me. Sometimes by name, in reference to other people she calls me her SM.

Can you imagine a teenage kid yelling sttteeppmummm up the stairs. Tad bit of a mouth full.

Fully behind the kids choosing tbh. Always found it weird that my friends child calls his mum by her name, they have a great relationship before anyone speculates but that's probably just because that isn't the norm on our house.

Terminology matters little to me if the child's happy. There isn't a defined rule of who isn't and who is able to be classed as a step parent as it should be in my view, up to the child.

One fit does not fit all. It's arguing over semantics which in my view moot point.

How I feel about it well I thought it was rather lovely when she called me her stepmum but as i said it was never my choice to make.

I'm a SM to adults...they were adults when I met dh. I'm just AuntieMarys and to their children.

Yeah my DSC call me by my name mostly, if they talk to their friends I'm not sure what they call me tbh. They call their stepdad by his name to us but I guess they should just refer to us however they like when talking to their friends.

Dunno, never really thought about it. DSD just calls me ‘dads girlfriend’ or by my name.

Stepmum definitely implies a degree of parenting.

Both of my stepparents I called by their first names, but always referred to them as stepmum/dad. They brought me up from a relatively young age, and each had a huge parental influence.

But my stepsister's dad remarried quite late, and she was always "dad's wife". There was never any parenting.

It would have felt weird referring to my own stepmum in that way. She and I were part of the same (wonderful blended) family. If anyone asks her how many children she has, she includes me.

I just use it for sake of ease when necessary - easier to call them my stepkids or say I'm a stepmum than go into the ins and outs. It paints a quick picture of who we are to each other.

To me, I don't see it as a status thing that you earn depending on how involved you are or how much you do for the kid(s), I just consider it a factual term to denote the partner of a father.

I’m not sure it does imply a certain level of parenting. I’m in my 30s, my stepmum has been around decades and never did any parenting but if I was introducing her to someone saying dad’s wife sounds pretty cold. That would imply she’s nothing at all to me. She’s not my parent, never has been, she never wanted children, but she’s my DD’s granny, she’s my dad’s wife, she’s my stepmum.

I just consider it a factual term to denote the partner of a father. yes I try to, but I can't help but feel if 'mum' was removed from stepmum people wouldn't have as high expectations.

@ChickpeaCrunch you make a good point. I also think the bar is just higher for females in the parenting arena generally.

The whole notion that a guy that leaves his kids high and dry is a accepted social status of deadbeat dad and there's loads of them but if a female did it your likely to find some mad article about in daily mail. The actions are the same but the social price is not equal.

Not justifying either (from either side) just drawing a comparison.

No problem at all (although they actually talk to me and refer to me by my name).

@candlelightsatdawn that's true, it's like my DSC's stepdad is seen as amazing for doing tasks like taking them to school. Yet it's just assumed I'm going to be happy to do things like their washing (DH put her straight on that one and said he does the chores for his own kids thanks).

And yes it does seem some how more socially acceptable for men to abandon their kids and not women.

On the US boards they use the term "bonus Mom".

@PostingForTheFirstTime

On the US boards they use the term "bonus Mom".

Speaking as a expat from America - I'm eternally grateful I found out what the "accepted" lingo was on here before I used any terms such as above.

Bio mum gets you fried. Bonus mum I imagine people would be arriving with pitchforks

@ChickpeaCrunch depressing isn't it and sadly no difference the other side of the pond in that area as well.

I do wonder what people would think of referring mums as baby mamas ? Incredibly common in states but that I have been told would also go down like a lead balloon over in UK.

Is a "baby mama" the child's mum but they aren't with the partner? Or is it just any child's mum?

Bonus mum I imagine people would be arriving with pitchforks yeah I think "stepmum" sounds like you are a bit removed from being mum. Bonus mum sounds a bit like wooo yaaaay another mum!