What would you do?

[Walkingalone21]

I will try to keep this as brief as I can.
Husbands daughter got in touch last year and it’s been rocky in our relationship for lots of different reasons since then. You think you know a person eh?!

We have pre teen and teenage children together and she is in her mid teens.
Recently it has been our children’s birthdays and she has messaged my husband attacking me because of the birthday posts I had put up on social media. How she isn’t being put in the picture and how others agree with her. Now, these posts are not any different to the posts I have put up any other year. In fact I put up a birthday post for her too. My husband has been amazing and defend me but I can’t help but feel hurt and pissed off. I have messaged her directly but had no reply. That was well over a week ago. Should I just let this go and move on? What happens when my husband wants her to come to our home? They are still speaking which annoys me because I would have at least expected her to speak to me directly especially with her having so much to say about me to my husband.
I feel like I am surrounded by land mines with this. What would you do?

She is in her mid teens and you are annoyed they are still speaking ? They've just been in touch and have a rocky relationship. I would act like you don't know anything about what she has said, try and understand her feelings and be the adult. Also depending on how your husband told you about what she said I would try to work out what his motivation was in telling you.

She got in touch last year? So he’d had no contact before that? There’s clearly a HUGE backstory here beyond some social media birthday posts.

So your husband couldn't be bothered to see his child for who knows how many years? Is that right?

And how do you have teenage children with him and his daughter is also a teenager? Sounds like quick work.

You've done nothing wrong. Maybe change your social media settings

Op it sounds like they didn't have contact before she is insecure and jealous I would message her explain you didn't mean anything against her then leave it alone

Have they only just started contact last year?

Thanks for the replies.
Like I said massive back story where my husband is not in the wrong.
@Sleepingdogs12. I had already sent her a message. It explained that the posts were not to spite her and something that I have done every year and something that I will not be changing, screen shots of previous years and an apology that she felt that way. The annoyance is because she had so much to say about me but won’t address it directly. So yes, it’s annoying that she has been messaging my husband and has totally ignored my message. He told me because we are a team and I had asked for things like this to be discussed if ever they came up. That’s what he did.

@Pompom2367
Yes I definitely think this too. I have bent over backwards to try and welcome her at my and my children’s detriment. The last year has been a hellish rollercoaster for all involved.

I'm sure this is annoying for you, but she is a teenager who is getting to rebuild a relationship with her estranged father - why are you trying to get her to prioritise your feelings? Whatever you feel about her, she is a child and your husband needs to meet her needs, not defend your right to post on social media.

I’m not trying to get her to prioritise my feelings but acknowledge what she has said, resolve it and move on. But when I have been attacked for no reason after everything I have done to make sure she was, and felt welcome in our lives and opened up my home. It really hurts.
I know there is nothing I can really do without making it worse which is why I have left it alone. But the hurt has turned into anger. I suppose that’s the result of the last year and all it’s trials.
There have been lots of occasions where she has tried to be manipulative and stir up trouble, all of which I have not addressed or had an opinion on because it’s nothing to do with me, let my husband handle it as he sees fit ... that’s hard too.
But it seems that it’s going from bad to worse and it’s made harder by the fact that he cannot parent her because also though he is her dad, he has no real right. There are no boundaries at all which I can understand to a degree but in the future may become a bigger issue.

Basically, however you feel about this situation, it's worse for her. You're an adult with agency and the ability to make choices about your own life and can use your autonomy to manage your response to her behaviour.

She is a child who is obviously going through a tremendous upheaval with a lot of emotional implications - holding her to a high standard of behaviour is unlikely to be productive until the issues causing her behaviour are resolved, so focusing on apologies etc is probably just going to frustrate you both.

Out of interest, why is your husband telling you what she has said about you?

I think without the back story and a little more info, you're not going to get useful responses.

How old is she-13? 19? Her age and your reaction matter.

At the moment I would say you are unreasonable to hold a grudge, contact her about it directly and to be angry that she is speaking to your husband about it.

But again, with the ages of the children and back story, it's difficult to tell

Yes. I agree. It is of course worse for her.

I apologised to her. I suppose what I was wanting from her was just to sort it out as it was obviously a silly misunderstanding. I didn’t really expect an apology. Just the opportunity to resolve what ever it was that has been so clearly bothering her and move on. We talk often and she has been coming to the house so it’s not like we haven’t built some kind of relationship.

Why wouldn’t my husband tell me? We have been together for many years and battled through thick and thin. Together.
Before all of this we were super open and honest about everything. The past year I have struggled with the secrecy because it was such a massive change in our relationship. It unnerved me and has taken a lot to let that go but only to a point. I had explicitly said that if a situation ever arises that involves me and/ or the kids then I would like to be made aware of it so it can be resolved openly so we can move forward and past it. I don’t think that it is fair if I was to find out any other way. We don’t discuss the ins and outs of the conversation they have daily. He had also told her that he needed to discuss this with me.

I think I just need to leave this as is. I have left the ball in her court and if she doesn’t want to speak to me then I will just have to accept that.

I'm sorry OP but you need to show more empathy to be able to forgive her reactive behaviour. It's not clear at all why she got so upset about the picture, but assume it has something to do with a comment you made about your wonderful family and how great it is to get all together on that day. Yes, it might be the same than you post every year and nothing wrong with it, but this year is different and you should have anticipated with maturity that this would feel like an exclusion to her. At that age, it doesn't take much to get offended any way, let alone when they have so much baggage.

As others have said, if the situation is making you uncomfortable, imagine how it is making her feel. Just reaching out to her dad must have been a massive frightening step for her. She is probably riddled in insecurity and fear of rejection again. She sees your perfect family and feels she'll never belong because she's not worthy.

Either you totally step away and have nothing to do with her, letting your OH to build a bond with her or you'll need to take deep breath and not take everything so personal.

You seem to be getting too emotionally affected by it. Teenagers over react and in her case, she has plenty to be over-emotional over.

What do you mean she got in touch?

She's a child. Why hasn't he been parenting her?

Why wouldn’t my husband tell me? We have been together for many years and battled through thick and thin. Together.

Because it upsets you. I think it's highly likely that whatever she's saying isn't really about you - without knowing the Backworth or seems likely that she's trying to get a reaction from your husband, to get him to prove that he loves her more than you, to try and push him away to see if he will fight for her or similar. So, really, whatever words she's using aren't relevant, but you are an easy target so she's using her (legitimate) resentment of your role in his life to try and provoke a response. So why tell you and foster mutual resentment when he could just deal with it himself and not undermine your relationship - you've said yourself that you get on well and that you want to include her, so don't let her difficult relationship with her dad erode that instinct to be kind.

What secrecy? Was she the result of an affair?

@VanceRefridgeration
She is 17.
Yes. Your right. I am unreasonable to be angry she can message my husband and blank the message i have sent to her apologising and explaining the misunderstanding. I think when I look at it I’m angry that I have done everything I possibly could to welcome her and involve her and now I am being attacked for something which I have always done for my kids.

I dont want to delve too much into the back story incase I get outed in RL but this has been a shock all round. My husband has done nothing wrong. He never knew. So you can imagine the mixed bag of emotions from everyone.

Sorry- just read that back and it sounds super preachy and armchair psychologist! I just meant that telling you what she's saying seems to be doing more harm than good and it might be worth considering whether it's actually a good idea in this instance. I really hope you can sort it out.

@DysmalRadius
It’s fine. Your right. I think that was the was the intention of it. I will never not be kind. That’s not my nature. If she wanted to come over tomorrow, my door will always be open. I will never try to manipulate the relationship my husband and her have. If Me and the kids are in it or not.

To be honest I’m relieved he told me. Like I said, the past year there has been a massive shift in our relationship where I have questioned everything. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it has been at times. This was almost an olive branch. I’m glad he did. It gave me a chance to look at it, discuss it with him and apologise to her. It also made me aware of something that I had unintentionally done. Like I said before, I have always tried to make her feel loved and welcome.
The annoyance is from being blanked by her. Especially when we have been talking regularly. I almost feel baited into a reaction which she will not get.

I almost feel baited into a reaction which she will not get.

I think this is more about testing her Dad's reaction. Due to the past she will be craving his attention and as the saying goes even negative attention is attention.

You may just have to accept that this is not going to be an easy situation for all involved. You did what you could to be accepting. The girl did nothing wrong and yet she has not had a relationship with her father for x number of years. You are both caught up in a situation which neither of you created.

Your husband may be telling you what his daughter is saying,. but in doing so he is not making your relationship better and is possibly damaging his relationship with his daughter. Hopefully, you all recognized that this was going to be a difficult transition for all involved given the amount of time and age of the child.

OP, your expectations may be unrealistic. The girl is probably experiencing a wide and frequently changing range of emotions that she herself does not fully understand and may be even less able to articulate.

Your husband and his daughter may need professional help in navigating these new waters. You don't say much about your children but they too may have feelings that could benefit from some professional help.

Nature gives us a gestation period to prepare for a new arrival and time for the fetus to fully develop. In this situation there was no gestation period and no time to prepare or develop. You are all flying by the seats of your respective pants. Patience, tolerance , and flexibility, will be needed by all of you to make this work.

Whatever you are feeling it's far worse for her. What to is a snap of the family, to her is another reminder she wasn't part of it. Whatever the back story is, she's going to be really bitter because shes missed out on so much

This sounds like a tough one. She didn’t have her father in her life until she was 16 and when she did find (?) him he was in a happy family with kids he was being a dad to. This isn’t his fault if he didn’t know about her, but it’s not her fault either.

I admit I’m wondering if she was conceived during your marriage and this is what’s prompting the evasiveness? If so, I can see her being extra sensitive to the idea that she’s not wanted or included. This is no reflection on your actions or to imply you haven’t tried to be welcoming. This is a 17 year old girl - I remember being 17 and reason and logic often took a backseat to feelings and emotions.

I wouldn’t worry about trying to resolve anything. It’s her expressing her insecurities about her place in her father’s life to her father. Let her be a bit messy while she works through what must be a terribly difficult situation for her.

Shes a child who's been let down by the adults in her life.

She probably feels very let down by her parents and it is much easier for her to blame you and direct her anger at you than it is for her to understand what really lies at the heart of her anger and deal with the person(s) responsible.

I think your role in this is to absorb the anger and not retaliate and it will eventually stop as she grows up and is able to deal with her emotions better.
When I realised this in my situation it became much easier and now I get on with my stepson (he is a young adult now). Crucially he has a very strong relationship with his father which may have been damaged if he lashed out at him, instead of me, at the height of his anger (the marriage broke up 6 years before we met). It was horrible at the time and I cried a lot but now I look at my stepson and think it was worth it.