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Step-parenting

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Original poster

'Perfect' blended family but still feel indifferent.

30 replies

HatsOffToddy · 02/04/2021 23:04

Anyone else feel this way?

I have what would be considered the perfect blended family I guess. I have absolutely no issues with DHs ex, she's nice and we get on well, the kids are great kids and we have a good relationship. There's never once been any drama of any sort that I could say would have caused me to dislike being a step parent.

And yet I still don't really feel all that attached and I still sometimes wish I'd made a different choice. Often when I see threads on here it seems a lot of the negative or just lack of emotional connection stems from negative experiences i.e. ex wife making life difficult or whatever. But I don't have any of that and I still just feel quite meh about the whole thing and sometimes really wish things were different.

I enjoy the time when DSC aren't here, and reading the other thread about whether or not you'd be bothered about seeing them if you and your partner split, I honestly wouldn't. I don't feel like I love them although I like them most definitely but not love and not attached in the sense that I miss them or would be bothered if contact was missed for example.

Does anyone else feel quite indifferent like this but can't pin it onto some negative experience they have had?

None of this affects my interactions with the kids. I do genuinely enjoy their company and they mine.

OP posts:
InkyOctopus · 02/04/2021 23:10

I think feeling totally indifferent about your step kids is normal. I’ve been with mine for ten years and frankly I’m more attached to the toaster. (However I accept they are DHs world and therefore I would protect them to the death!!!).

What are your feelings towards your partner?

InkyOctopus · 02/04/2021 23:11

P.s. My toaster is a Breville four slice.

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2021 23:16

I was bright up by my dad and step mother from aged 4.
She did her absolute best, was and is still lovely to me, caring and kind but I feel no attachment to her at all. I feel dreadful admitting that but that’s how I feel.

So the feeling may be mutual with your step kids and that’s ok!

moochingtothepub · 02/04/2021 23:18

Such odd attitudes, I've only known dp's kids 18 months but would do anything for them. They are his world therefore they matter to me. He's brilliant with my kids too. Yes they aren't biologically mine but it doesn't matter, can't wait to see them tomorrow

SecureYourself · 02/04/2021 23:27

I find this hard to understand too. I feel like if I didn’t love my kids I would absolutely hate having them around! Not always of course but kids can be pretty annoying. I can’t imagine feeling indifferent. I have to think your affection will grow with time, maybe years.

I say this by someone who was raised with two step-parents. My DSD married my mum when I was 13 — a tough age — and he only had really easy boys so he definitely didn’t understand me and my teen drama. In retrospect I don’t think he particularly liked having me around for the first few years. But as I grew up it got easier and now 20 years on we are very close. He’s not a father to me but he’s been very good to me and to my mum. I love him very much abs I think it’s mutual. He certainly adores my children and considers them his grandchildren every bit as much as his biological ones.

Missingthebridegene · 02/04/2021 23:31

Could have written this op! Interesting to hear from the child's perspective thanks for sharing @LizzieSiddal xx

MaraScottie · 02/04/2021 23:32

How old are the kids OP?

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2021 23:39

Such odd attitudes

What a helpful comment Hmm

ihavenowords30 · 03/04/2021 00:54

I am the same :) the 3 kids are pleasant and polite, lazy at times but there's never been a crossed word. They get on amazing with our bio toddler.

Ex is a little drama but never with me so I have no real issues there.
We are considered a very well blended family but I don't love them and wouldn't happily accept not seeing them again if it came down to it ( such as a spilt or then cancelling contact )

I'm perfectly happy for them to be in my life to the extent they are but I'd also be fine with that stopping. It's an odd emotional relationship

Original poster
HatsOffToddy · 03/04/2021 04:40

I'm perfectly happy for them to be in my life to the extent they are but I'd also be fine with that stopping

This is sort of how I feel tbh. Have absolutely no problem with the fact they are around, in fact as I say quite enjoy their company a lot of the time but I don't look forward to it or care if they don't come either.

Of course they matter to me in the sense that they are my DHs world. I just don't feel any personal strong emotional connection myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
HatsOffToddy · 03/04/2021 04:42

I have to think your affection will grow with time, maybe years

I've been with DH 5 years.

DC are 12 and 10.

OP posts:
LudoTrouble · 03/04/2021 05:08

I had a stepfather from age 14. We never really gelled. I could tell he wanted this fantasy family where everyone loved him but the relationships never moved beyond polite tolerance.

Sometimes it's just like that, I think.

Onestep2021 · 03/04/2021 05:34

@InkyOctopus
Your comment re:toaster made me laugh a lot.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 03/04/2021 07:11

My stepmum came into my life 35 years ago. I experienced the whole roller-coaster of emotions towards her as you'd expect from an angsty teen who was still struggling with parent's divorce, being pushed out by new baby (who I adored and am so proud of as an adult), them living in a 'luxury' it wasn't new house (although I don't think I ever displayed them as contact was EOW only). I had little contact for a few years as a young adult but then we clicked once the grandkids came along. She's now one of my biggest supporters, closest friends and I'd be devastated if anything happened to her.

I've got dsds of my 'own' now, I like them despite the grief from their mother which I get the brunt of, but I get it. I'm not the luvvy type but they know I'd absolutely be there for them in a crisis.

MaryIsA · 03/04/2021 07:18

It might change as they get older. But I don’t think what you are feeling is unusual.

MeridianB · 03/04/2021 07:47

Don’t beat yourself up, OP. Your feelings sound very human.

More generally....

This board should have a reminder at the top that it’s totally fine to feel differently and have completely different experiences to each other because all people and families are totally different.

So no one is in a position to tell you what you feel is wrong. It may not be their experience but it’s just different, not wrong.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 03/04/2021 07:54

Don't overthink it , everyone's different. They are strangers that came into your life x years ago....they might grow on you yet !
Some people tale their time which in some ways is a little healthier than taking a bullet for your stepchildren within a week of meeting them
The trend these days is everything to happen so fast , give yourself time . You might end up playing a friendly role in their lives , they already have 2 parents after all

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 03/04/2021 08:12

I think it's fine. Nobody expects you to love your step dc. They are not your birth dc and if you and the dad split up you'd probably never see them again.

sassbott · 03/04/2021 08:22

It’s absolutely fine. Count your blessings that it is ‘uneventful.’
You may find that in more years your relationship changes. It may not. Either is ok. Only on here is there an obsession that SC’s must be loved and wanted. It’s ridiculous.

The only other person in this world that I would expect to actively miss our children is my exh. No one else.

Pearl97 · 03/04/2021 08:31

I think it’s different if you have children of your own. If you want someone to accept your children too it’s very different to just accepting someone’s children.

A lot of parents struggle to be parents, nevermind step parents!!!

whiteroseredrose · 03/04/2021 08:37

I think with step parents and step children there is no 'normal'.

I had a great relationship with my step mum. My dad died at suddenly 46 leaving her with 4 young children. I still went to see them all as often as I did when my dad was alive. I took her away for weekends together to Amsterdam and Brussels and Paris so that she could have a break from being the one in charge all the time. Unfortunately she died in her early 60s and I still miss her terribly.

I also get on really well with my stepfather. I love him to bits and enjoy having 1-1 time with him without my mum around sometimes.

Maybe I'm just lucky or maybe they were/are both pretending!

Youseethethingis · 03/04/2021 08:38

Such odd attitudes
It’s not about attitudes, it’s about feelings. Hmm

FishyFriday · 03/04/2021 10:11

I’ve got a stepdad and a stepmother. I feel pretty indifferent towards them. I was a teenager when they came into my life. My sister is closer to our stepdad. She refers to him as her dad and her children call him grandad. I call him John and so do my children. It is how it is.

I have all sorts of issues with my husband (s as if his difficult and destructive attitude around being an NR father) which mean that my experience of his children is not good. However, before he got scared that his ex would pull contact (and he went full Disney dad and screw the rest of the household), I felt pretty indifferent to them. I’d try to make it fun while they were here, but I didn’t miss them or look forward to seeing them. Nor would I have felt sad about missing contact.

I don’t expect my husband to feel any differently about my son. He’s not his child.

Vierty · 03/04/2021 10:21

I’ve known my step mum best part of 40 years. I could take or leave her to be honest. I don’t think she’s that keen on me either but we have an unspoken truce really

KylieKoKo · 03/04/2021 11:06

I wouldn't say I was indifferent to my Dscs but I don't pine for them while they're not here and certainly don't love them as much as their dad does. I would have thought most step parents would fall into this middle ground between blind adoration of step kids and bring completely indifferent to them.
However there's no right or wrong as long as everyone's happy surely.

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