Conflict with partner

[Feelingfrazzled2020]

Changed username for privacy.

Recently had a rough couple of days following 2 separate discussions with my partner around his ex. The mother of his 8 year old child has no boundaries and it appears neither does DP. This has gradually become more and more of an issue in our relationship and follows around 4 previous albeit more laid back conversations I brought up about how it was making me feel over the past few months. I’m not sure if I’m hormonal or just at the end of my tether as previous discussions haven’t amounted to much? I’ve had numerous calm conversations and bitten my tongue a lot but it came to a head end of last week when his ex rang again about something pointless. We didn’t shout or slam doors...not that type of person when it comes to communication but I was annoyed. We talked with no real ‘outcome’. As a result whilst things feel normal again to an extent it also feels there’s an elephant in the room and feel like my partner is pulling back from me.

I must stress I know his child is his priority and quite rightly so but this is more around how I feel he allows her to call the shots and panders to her unpredictable behaviours. To summarise things include-

*on a fortnightly basis asking him to have their child extra time (which is fine and I’m happy he gets extra time, but it’s often with hours or even minutes to spare) and due to her being ‘tired’, poorly or having college work to do.
*texting and calling every day without fail to discuss mostly trivial matters...calling at 7am about an item left at my Dp’s house (even although his son was coming to his later that day) the fact their son had a normal tantrum, the fact he was misbehaving in her house
*asking my partner to go round late at night to drop something non-essential off. He jumped and got dressed to do it, interrupting our evening after we’d had his child all that weekend
*asking DP to go round when son was upset, he dropped me to do it halfway through lunch and left within minutes
*asking partner to go round and pick son up as he was upset and didn’t want to go to school. Partner jumped out of bed and rushed straight over.

Partner sees where I’m coming from but doesn’t believe it’s as much or as bad as what I’m making it out to be despite being able to ring off multiple examples. I find it intrusive her texting at all hours of the day and night. I’d understand if there was an emergency but there never is.

Issue is this, partner offered to have a word with her. I was dubious as I’ll likely come off the bad guy but he said he’d think about it. He hasn’t mentioned anything since and I’m now scared to bring it up for fear of upsetting him. I don’t know if he has spoken to her or not? I hate conflict and I don’t think DP deals well with awkward conversations. I find communication easy normally and feel it’s essential to getting stuff resolved but as nothing has changed so far I’m unsure what to do. I love partner and want things to move forward positively. I now notice he’s starting hiding his phone and turning it screen down. I can only presume to avoid me seeing the ex’s calls or texts if they appear on the screen. How do I work through this?

You end it.
It really is that simple..
Or accept you are third in line for him..

Probably for the best if you leave, your low down on his list of priorities.

Ime his ex won't back off and your relationship will be strained with always you at fault..

Has he made any room for you in his life?

It sounds like he and his ex are happy with the way they arrange things and the level of contact.

If he's just going to start covering up how much they talk I would question if this relationship is ever going to be one where your needs are met or even considered.

You end it, that's what you do. Your partner is in a relationship with two women, and that never works out. Sadly, you come in second to his ex, which he has made abundantly clear. Stop wasting time with this one.

It sounds like you're second best in this relationship OP. If your partner can't recognise that, maybe he's not the one for you.

I’m with the others I’m afraid. Your DP is being a great father and being available to his son when he is required. Put it like this, how would his son feel if he knew his dad wasn’t available to comfort/support him because he was having a relaxin evening with his partner? In fact how would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and your ex was unable to your dc because his new partner didn’t agree with the contact he was having with you about the daily normality conversations parents have about their children?

If the boundaries arent there now it's going to be hard to put them in place.
My partners ex has rang him to say you forgot his coat the evening after a drop off. My DP said oh yeah my bad I will drop it off in the morning on the way to work. This is a perfectly reasonable way to handle such a thing. If he had got up in the middle of dinner and dashed over I would have raised an eyebrow.
This story is sounding eerily familiar did you post a few days ago about the exact same thing and get told that hes unlikely to suddenly change.

.. Running round to parent when the dm can't won't leave her any authority with her own dc. She has admitted to her dc she can't manage him. Before long that dc will packed off to his df's... Your home!!

@Aimee1987 yeah that was me! I know it’s looking unlikely this can be resolved I guess my post today is more about how I can try sort this out now. Breaking up is really a last resort. Having spoken to my partner I was hoping to be a different place but the fact he’s not brought this up since makes me afraid not listening and just burying his head in the sand

He hasn't brought this up because for him it's not his problem, it's your problem. Nice, huh? Stop playing second fiddle and get out of there. This man isn't changing.

Sometimes it may not be a lack of boundaries so much as a lack of agreement as to what constitutes reasonable boundaries. If you are in disagreement as to what is reasonable , it may not be an ex or a boundary issue so much as a compatibility issue.

If your partner is not bothered by the daily contact and may in fact feel that the daily updates allow him to feel a part of his son's daily life, he may be reluctant to make changes. The issue then becomes what exactly are you willing to live with in your relationship.

My mom often gives me advice, and one of the things that she suggested I do about things that bother me was to ask myself how am I really impacted by certain actions or do I really just not want them to happen? Is that my way of inserting control.

I ,for instance, do not monitor my spouse 's phone calls or texts, so I do not know to whom he speaks or messages or how many times in a given day that he speaks to anyone. I trust him and as such his contacts are not something that I have any need to qualify or quantify.

I would not respond well to him trying to qualify or quantify my contacts. He either trust me or he does not.

The real estate in my head is pretty limited, and I try really hard not to give space to issues that are only meaning if I make them so. He loves me and lives with me so contact with the mother of his children does not alter either of those facts.

Tbh, this has never been an issue so my input may be of limited value, but perhaps it has never been an issue because neither of us monitors that kind of contact.

@Aquamarine1029

He hasn't brought this up because for him it's not his problem, it's your problem. Nice, huh? Stop playing second fiddle and get out of there. This man isn't changing.

This.

Honestly op, your worth much more than this, find someone who will cherish you...are you sure there is no relationship between him and the mum...it’s like he’s having an affair with her

I think you are being unfair about the school issue - it’s only right that a father would go to help out when his child is refusing to go to school.

@Anoisagusaris

I think you are being unfair about the school issue - it’s only right that a father would go to help out when his child is refusing to go to school.

surely if parents are separated, they should be learning to manage these types of issues on their own time. What if the dad isn't available, what will the mother do then to get her child to school? They are not together anymore, the DM needs to be able to manage these situations without assistance.

Nahhhh this sounds crazy ... and zero boundaries established. I was reading that thinking I'd literally HATE it. That level of contact and intrusion would drive me crazy and contact for contact sakes seems ridiculous. Co parent yes ...chat endlessly and act like you are still reliant on each other completely a BIG fat no.

I'd honestly reflect on what you want your life to be down the line. Because you deserve a partner who will treat you equally and as someone of importance.

As Diana put it "there were three of us in the marriage and it was rather crowded "... is this what you want ?

They are not together anymore, the DM needs to be able to manage these situations without assistance

Indeed, but you can't control what other people should and shouldn't manage.

Some parents end their relationship, but as far as their kids are concerned, they try and do what they always did.

I remember you thread OP. Your partner jumping up half way through dinner is crazy. That should only be done in an emergency.

The problem for you is, that he's fine doing what his Ex asks. You now want him to change how things are because you don't like it.

I wouldn't like the amount of communication either, but I don't monitor my DHs phone and vice versa...so unless the notification disturbed me, I wouldn't know who was messaging him.

It's not like your BF complains about her asking things of him... some would say "what does she want now". He's fine with the status quo.

A relationship with this kind of man who has kids...isn’t working for you and if you try to force it...you'll just be distressed and unhappy.

You've expressed how you feel. You can't do anymore. There's no shame in saying ending things as it doesn’t work for you. You can go your separate ways easily....I know it will hurt initially...but it's better than years of stress and biting your tongue.

@Anoisagusaris

I think you are being unfair about the school issue - it’s only right that a father would go to help out when his child is refusing to go to school.

No he shouldn't, it's absolutely ridiculous. And such a weird amalgamation of messages to the kid. It wouldn't even cross my mind to call my son's dad to come and assist me in my day to day basic parenting.

I can completely understand why you’re finding this hard, OP. I’ve often thought how lucky I am that DSS is an hours drive away so this isn’t realistically expected of DH.

I can see what @giggly is saying about him being there for his son, but the reality for everyone is that they are separated parents. Another way I look at it is that I don’t expect DH to come home from work to assist with discipline, tantrums, etc so why should his ex ever expect him to drop everything to do the same.

I disagree with what some have said about it not changing...I have managed it with DH but it has taken sooo much hard work, even marriage counselling. DH used to say it was down to my insecurity rather than my want for privacy. That being said, they never had a relationship while DSS was born so it was less established. The ex more pries regarding our finances, personal life and DH doesn’t want to upset her by telling her she’s been inappropriate. We now try to pre-empt her a bit and have some polite phrases stored to decline answering her questions...sometimes DH struggles with that but at least he’s trying!

I’d be lying if I didn’t sometimes wonder what it must be like to not have all the stress of it though...it’s a very difficult position to be in. I don’t think people appreciate that about step parenting.

Another way I look at it is that I don’t expect DH to come home from work to assist with discipline, tantrums, etc so why should his ex ever expect him to drop everything to do the same.

I think a keyword here is expect . You're clearly capable of dealing with these issues and some mums/parents aren't.

So what you expect of him and what his Ex and mother of his child ask/expect where the child is concerned may differ.

The thing is...for some men...they like the fact that the child listens to them and not the mum. They like being known as the disciplinarian and the parent you don't mess with. It gives them a feeling of power and many won't admit it openly...it's an ego boost and they like to feel needed by the mum.

It increases his feeling of importance as a dad and while he's being called over and asked to deal with these things...at least another man isn't over there telling his child what to do.

There's a fear among the separated dads who are bothered of being labelled a Disney dad or a deadbeat dad....these kind of things aren't said about women. This fear, can lead to them dropping everything for the child...but it doesn’t go down so well with a new partner.

I actually know some men who say their wife is a soft touch and the kids know not to mess with him. That they wouldn't dare try it.

I've found this seems to happen especially with boys...who respond to male authority figures better, but it's not something I'd advocate because it can lead to boys...then men having little respect for women.

Some people were raised in s wait till your father gets home households so that's their norm and they don't easily adjust to separations.

@SandyY2K I think you’re right regarding the labels, they feel like they have to go over and above to prove they’re still involved.

I understand what you mean about expectations but surely she wasn’t asking him to come home from work, socialising, etc because she couldn’t cope when they were together?!

I’m skeptical of ex’s like this...I feel like they use they’re child for attention. Almost laying claim to their ex still...I find with DSS’s mum that everything is a bit of a test too, seeing how far we’ll go...if we say no to something then she can erupt about DH not being there for his daughter, etc.

It is very difficult.

My best friend had this exact situation. BF lived with her partner for over 2 years and it never changed. Regardless of how much she pleaded, begged, anything. If the ex said 'jump', he said 'how high?'. No matter what names the ex called him (best friend's partner), he never pushed back, she would demand all sorts and he never had the backbone to say no.

BF has since moved out, it was a complete headfuck and she had enough.

I feel like I'm going against the grain here but I think your partner is simply being a good dad and co-parent. Yes you are coming second to his child as you should. When you start a relationship with someone who has a small child with another person you need to be strong enough to accept that just because they sometimes live in a different house their parenting responsibilities do not stop. The analogy of "well I wouldn't expect my husband to leave work when my child has a tantrum" doesn't work. Ops partner is not at work, he is at home when he is being asked to contribute to the parenting of his child.

It is extremely important for the child's happiness and future outcomes that their parents are co-parenting amicably. If I were your partner, I would need you to be able to accept that. But I would completely understand if you couldn't. Its really not easy feeling/knowing that you simply can not be the priority.

He isn't doing this for his child, he is doing it for his ex, sounds like she can't parent properly, how often does he have the child? Maybe suggest he has him 50/50 or more of the time if she can't cope with him on her own. I am sure when the child is with him that he doesn't constantly need her assistance. He sounds like he has no boundaries in place at all.