Advice please...

[Lucie1985]

Hi all!

Looking for some advice if poss. I’ve been dating a single dad for 9 months. He has a daughter who is 8. We are both early 30s and I’ve no children of my own. I’m struggling terribly with the dynamics of this situation and not sure if I have a right to feel like this or not. So far, in general everything is great. We speak openly about the future and our plans and we are happy . The fact he has a child doesn’t bother me in the slightest and I’ve accepted she will always be the priority.

My issue lies in the level of what I feel is intrusion from his child’s mum. Whilst I accept she’ll always be around and he will have to talk to her fairly regularly, she phones and texts at all hours of the day and night. From what I know (dp doesn’t always go into detail about reasons for the calls) but they are almost always trivial. Emergencies I fully understand but texts at 9pm for example can be about how he hasn’t cleaned her lunchbox properly. He regularly has to drop everything to take his daughter last minute...the mum is ill, she has a dentist appointment, the child is upset and doesn’t want to go to school etc. One night she rung him at 9pm to drop off something which wasn’t essential round to the house and he got up halfway through dinner with me to do it. Again I know fully you have to be flexible to an extent but it’s usually last minute and unpredictable.

They were never married and split when the child was young so there’s been no messy divorce and I had nothing to do with the split.

They live in the same area and I appreciate their arrangement has worked when he’s been single (as is she) however am I wrong to feel there should be some boundaries when you are in a relationship? I don’t mean being less of a dad or being less involved...more drawing the line and sometimes (I’ll prepare for backlash here) not dropping everything for the child.

Often when she misbehaves she will call my partner and ask him to go round to deal with her. He’s WFH and quite often is in meetings.

I feel we haven’t been together overly long and I’m cautious of being seen to come in and rock the boat however do I have the right to have concerns as to how the future may look for us? I’ve spoken to him and he feels I’m overreacting to an extent. He says things will naturally ‘calm down’ but it’s hard to picture that when all I see is her calling the shots. He often says I don’t want you thinking she controls me...yet all I see is evidence of that. He’s a fantastic dad and I am lucky to have him but where do I go from here? Sometimes she texts at 7am before either of us are even out of bed!!

Asking your ex to come round and deal with your child together when they miss behave is a bit weird. Imagine if he was to ask her to do the same in your house . I couldn't imagine that happening. Co parenting does allow for a degree of separation and boundaries you are tied to the child and not tied together being civil and friendly is good but the dynamic is you have separate lives to a large degree . Even with a partner you live with , you potentially wouldn't do this if they were at work or out by summoning them home to discipline. Literally OP boundaries, boundaries boundaries. It's not changing the relationship with the child it's changing the dynamics of the relationship with the ex so it's more respectful of you.

Even with a partner you live with , you potentially wouldn't do this if they were at work or out by summoning them home to discipline.

The thing is that some parents who live together actually do this.

Remember the old cartoon 'Wait till your father gets home'. Some mums leave the discipline to the dad.

It just shows they are ineffective parents in that regard. They struggle with discipline and as a result, the child only listens to dad. They know not to mess with dad.

My ex SIL has on a couple of occasions called my DB regarding their DS and asked him to talk to their DS because he wasn't listening to her. This was more as a teenager, but I'd expect at 6yo, the DM should be able to discipline on her own.

Like I said earlier, if the dynamic between them changes on your intervention, you'll be labelled as the baddie. You could end up with his mum telling their son " We can't do xyz or Daddy isn't allowed to respond...or anything else...because Lucie doesn't like it"

Whether it's true or not won't matter, as it will damage your relationship with the child and cause merry hell.

It's a lose/lose situation for you unfortunately.

What I've seen in these situations is that even when the dad contacts his Ex, he tends to say something like [new GF name] isn't happy that you text or call me so much...or she said you can only contact me about child related issues, so please stop.

She may well stop, but in the process, you've been portrayed as insecure and jealous. That paves the way for the future and doesn't bode well for a harmonious relationship with her going forwards...and will affect all concerned.

Even if he doesn't say it because of his new partner, it's very easy to see when the change happens. Sane as when a dad suddenly wants to see his DC more when he gets a new GF to show himself as superdad...the DM sees through it.

I’m struggling terribly with the dynamics of this situation and not sure if I have a right to feel like this or not.

I think this bit is really important.

You are absolutely entitled to feel how you feel about things. Please don’t fall into the trap that so many women do of putting their feelings to the back of the pile and even feeling guilty for having them.

He has a child. But that doesn’t mean he needs to be this enmeshed with his ex. There are lots of other ways to parent after splitting up. He (they) are choosing this. And it won’t ‘calm down’ or change.

Don’t just tell yourself ‘well the child must come first’. If you don’t want your life to be organised in large part by his ex, then that’s a perfectly legitimate way to feel. Most women would agree with you that it’s not ok.

You've obviously never dated anyone with children before, as everyone else has said, find someone without kids if you haven't got any before you get even more emotionally involved and find it even harder to walk away, this is just the start of the never ending problems, sorry to have to be so blunt, but you will allways come second and will have to make all the sacrifices in this relationship.

[quote Magda72]@Lucie1985 ime things won't "naturally calm down". That's your dp living in Polly Pocket Land & not wanting to take on board that for him to be in a successful relationship his 'relationship' with his ex will have to change. So - he's hoping that if he ignores everything all will be fine. It won't.
Many on here (myself included) have had the experience of an ex's behaviour actually getting worse as our relationships got more serious & I would predict that will happen here too.
As others have said their dynamic is pretty established & she is used to having her own way with your dp - as in she says "jump" & he says "how high"? She will fight to keep this dynamic going using their child as the hook to reel him in.
The only one who can break this dynamic is him & it sounds like he's not particularly bothered to do so.
You can accept this or fight it. If you accept it you'll be miserable as the ex will dominate every aspect of your life, but if you fight it you will ALWAYS be the bad guy.
I have 3 dc of my own who have a sm, & I was with a man who also had 3 dc for over 5 years so I see things from all viewpoints/angles & trust me, unless your dp actively sees that HE needs to change his dynamic with his ex you're on a hiding to nothing.
Fwiw you seem to have a really good handle on everything & you are, imo, absolutely right in how you feel about things.[/quote]
Absolutely this

Agree with others - he has to want to change. My bf’s ex was like this at the start. I finally got annoyed when we were out for the day with his kids and he got them to pose on the beach so he could send a photo to their mum. It upset me that he was thinking about her on a day out. Their split was horrible so I knew it wasn’t “like that” but it still got to me. Fortunately every time I have been upset about a boundary he has changed things and has done so happily, not just because I nagged or made threats to leave him (although I would have done). It’s taken an incredibly long time!!!!!! But I’m now comfortable with the level of interactions he has with her. Good luck

Run. Honestly for your own sanity, dont get any further bogged down in this. He wont change, the mother will get more difficult as soon as she feels you are getting too comfortable and you will become nobody in your own relationship. Seriously do yourself a favour and leg it.
I speak from YEARS of bitter experience.

RUN TO THE HILLS!!!!!

Right now, honestly, I can't understand anyone who's young getting involved so deeply with people that have kids. This will never change!

Most of us here struggle with our DP's relationship with their EX's and situations like this will only escalate more and more and more!!!
I strongly advise you to take a good breath and reflect: Is this what you really want for your life??

As much as you love the kid and bla bl abla bla, there's only one right answer to that:

NO!

My advice is to break up now before you get any further in.

I'm 4 years in to this kind of situation and whilst there are boundaries in place now, it's so hard and due to the ex poisoning dps child toward me, I don't currently spend any time with him or dd at all.

We have put plans to move in together on hold and I feel at times like it's half a relationship.

My DP at least acknowledged the boundary blurs when I brought them up, it doesn't sound like yours will.

I have some level of understanding for your situation, naturally you are thinking about your relationship first but whilst his child is young and dependent, they will be number 1. I totally get these things must seem so intrusive to you but raising a child is 24/7 and I can't see how any parent can "clock off" because they are with the other. You don't tell your child we can't have contact today as its not my turn to be with you iyswim. You have come into their family and not the other way around I guess. I'd answer a little differently as a parent than a single partner no doubt but I think it'd help you to put the shoe on the other foot and decide whether you are going into this with the intention of becoming a step parent who is hands on or somebody's dad's gf or if you don't want to be either.

A few things I thought when reading your post were worth pointing out were that I am a very busy mum and I text everyone at all sorts of times, frequently late at night or early hours as that's just when I'm free to catch up with texts. I don't expect a reply there and then, I don't think it's weird or rude, I'd never call (unless someone I know well would be ok with) after 9pm.

If the child lived more with you and your partner and your partner was ill or had a dentist appointment, would you drop your work or plans to look after the child or expect their mother to step up? My partner and I aren't separated but he wants to be with our kids everyday and if we were to split he would want to take every chance to be around for them regardless of helping me out. You don't babysit your own kids, not many want to be a part time parent.

Leaving half way through dinner is ridiculous if it wasn't something important, but I don't know any parents who haven't dropped what they are doing to rush something quickly to school for example. Was it a one off or frequent? If frequent then of course he needs to say no.

I understand how you feel second fiddle but it doesn't sound like you've any concern that he and his ex have any connection other than as co-parents. I think you have to accept that until the child is 18 (although it'll get easier earlier), the ex and your partner will always be in close contact.

My friends have had some awfully hostile relationships as co parents and tbh I think that you'll be happier if you all get on. Hope you find a solution you're happy with. X

I wouldn’t run just yet but I agree there a couple of concerning points. My H wasn’t allowed to attend parents evenings without his ExW and I wasn’t allowed to attend at all. However if she needed to go to an appointment he was expected to drop everything and care for his DD. He wasn’t allowed to swap weekends if we had an a special occasion but she wouldn’t be at home when we dropped SD home after our weekend because she was at a festival. It’s all about give and take and setting boundaries. If it’s not you he moves the goal posts for it will be someone else, as every woman will have there tolerance level. So he will have to deal with this eventually I suppose it depends if you want to stick around while he navigates this. You need to talk to him and find out what amount of input he thinks is appropriate and happy with. Is he worth it OP? Because as you’ve no doubt already read, ExWs can be tricky, they CAN BE very black and white. My child comes first! Seems to be an overwhelming point of view but not a realistic one and there you have growing resentment. Both parents have the right to move on with there lives while sticking to an agreement that suits both families not just both parents. Good luck