Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DS hurt by his step sister

52 replies

crackerss · 18/02/2021 18:51

DS7 has returned from his Dad's today with deep scratch marks all down his chest. My initial thought was that it was their new puppy, but on closer inspection they looked too deep, too sore and too far apart to be a dog paw. DS7 kept saying he didn't know how they got there. I eventually got it out of him that his step sister who's 8 had done it. There are also a few smaller scratches, one by his eye and another by his mouth.

I know step siblings can fight but i'm horrified by the state of DS7s chest. I don't have contact with my ex as he's controlling and awful to deal with. I get on very well with his partner (the 8 year old's Mum).

I text his partner to ask what on Earth had happened and her response what pretty much 'oh well, these things happen'.

What would you do in this situation? Leave it or message back something a little firmer?

OP posts:

CaramelPops · 19/02/2021 12:17

You poor DS being „cuddled“ after he was attacked by his step sister. Just awful!! What message does that send??

Also re the Bath: not on! Would never do that with my kids and partner’s and they are similar ages.

Magda72 · 19/02/2021 12:18

In NO way would I send my child back there. He was assaulted (& that's what it was) while there with his own dad watching & not intervening properly. He has to share a room with his step sister who is obviously not disciplined properly. He was made bathe with her & was obviously uncomfortable & he's been told not to 'report' back to you!
Wtaf!
I'd be down to my GP asap & would report everything & then I would be on to social services & I would not let him back there.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 19/02/2021 12:30

I know step siblings can fight I hate this attitude of siblings physically fight. They shouldn't. If she did that to a child in school there would be huge repercussions for her actions.

It is completely unacceptable for children to physically fight which results in injury or harm. The casual attitude of the mother is alarming plus combined with your ex's attitude would raise safeguarding concerns.

Document everything.

VimFuego101 · 19/02/2021 12:38

[quote crackerss]@ThePricklySheep I think DS possibly didn't tell me at first because last time he came back from his Dad's he said 'Daddy said that I always tell you what happens at Daddy's house and I shouldn't'. [/quote]
This is even more concerning than the scratches.

MeridianB · 19/02/2021 13:00

Baths together at that age is totally unnecessary, especially as they are not siblings (assuming the girl here is not your ex’s?) and were not getting along well. It would be different if they were big pals and wanted water fun but if DS was uncomfortable it shouldn’t be happening.

Your ex telling DS not to share information is worrying.

Sorry, I would not send him back at all. I’ve been saying this a lot lately, which is sad because I do believe in supporting contact and I totally understand that different homes have different rules. But the contact is supposed to benefit your DS and none of this sounds like good news for him. 😔

Original poster

crackerss · 19/02/2021 13:12

Thank you for all your reassurance. I've not had any messages to check how DS is but I did message my ex's partner (the step sisters Mum) to explain how unhappy I am about what's happened and it's not acceptable. And I've just received a message back to say that they were only play fighting and she has made me feel like I'm massively over reacting.

OP posts:

CagneyNYPD · 19/02/2021 13:19

Of course she has. If the girl's mother accepts that you are right, then she has to accept that they were in the wrong. That her DD was out of line.

Photos

2.GP appt 3.call to Nspcc for advice esp in light of the bath sharing and the telling mum comments.

Magda72 · 19/02/2021 13:21

Oh for gods sake - you're not overreacting. I agree with @OnTheBenchOfDoom - sibling fighting should not get to the point of physical injury - that's an archaic attitude up there with "boys will be boys" & is an excuse to ignore bad behaviour & piss poor parenting.
If you dc is hurt, unhappy & afraid to speak up (which he is) then he's being bullied. End of.

Anuta77 · 20/02/2021 03:47

When people play fight, isn't the objectif to bring someone on their back to the floor (or the bed)? Then why deep scratches on the chest? Maybe you could ask him to show how they "play"? Me and my sister used to fight a lot, but never to the point of big scratches, so I have troube imagining how this could happen.

My SD who used to be sweet with my son (also one year difference between them), started randomly hitting him when nobody was watching (and a few times in front of me when she didn't think I was looking) when she hit puberty, which also coincided with some insecurity in her life. So it's not impossible that a girl who's already not particularly nice and who's not corrected gets worse....

I would also be concerned that your son is told not to tell you things and now that you flagged the issue and were dismissed, this pressure on him might get stronger.

I agree with other posters about taking measures.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 20/02/2021 04:18

To me the most important thing is the Dad is more vigilant in future and steps in and separates them before someone gets hurt.

Blended families can be difficult for all concerned to negotiate, but perhaps it is particularly difficult for the children to articulate their frustrations, their feelings of jealousy and fear.

CutePixie · 20/02/2021 04:32

@crackerss

That’s not play fighting. Several deep scratches and broken skin? That’s assault. Your DS was also reluctant to speak up. Alarm bells ring. It’s good that you have taken photos as evidence. I would refuse to have the step daughter anywhere near your DS. I play fought with my siblings all the time, but we never caused damage like that.

billybagpuss · 20/02/2021 04:44

You are not over reacting and the secrecy is the massive problem

When is the next contact due? DS reaction to it will tell you all you need to know. Although you will be branded the evil one

aweegc · 20/02/2021 04:57

I would also get this recorded. If it's never needed then GOOD! But you can't go back in time and get it recorded if you later need to use it.

I'd go to the HP to double check nothing is infected. You have nothing to lose by doing that.

My kids play fight every day. They do it early evening, almost a ritual. It's annoying! Neither had ever had deep scratches - any scratches in fact.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/02/2021 07:08

I used to fight with my sibling and I don't remember either of us being covered in scratches like that. Getting a GP appointment so this can be recorded is a good idea.

The bath thing is also really creepy and inappropriate for two kids that age who aren't related.

I know it's considered in a child's best interest to have contact with their father even if there is abuse but I'd hate to send a child into such an environment.

Porridgeoat · 20/02/2021 07:19

So ask your son if they were play fighting.

Also ask your son what he did to cause such a reaction and be scratched. He may have omitted some details

Porridgeoat · 20/02/2021 07:25

Tell your son it’s important that he’s open so that you can keep him safe and support him if needed

How does your ds feel about the incident? I would be led by him. If he’s not bothered fine. Best keep an eye on future interactions.

But actually what more are you expecting? She apologised with a cuddle, all the adults are aware, they know you’re not happy about it and that sounds like closure to me.

Porridgeoat · 20/02/2021 07:27

It might be worth asking them to cut her nails before ds visits though

secretskillrelationships · 20/02/2021 07:36

I find the NSPCC helpline useful in a situation with my son and his father. I wasn't sure what to do for the best (assault when son was 17 and very challenging) and I found them very helpful. They reported to social services who spoke to everyone involved, including me, and offered support to my son. They ultimately decided not to do anything based on my son's wishes but they gave my son the option to report to police, which meant I didn't get caught in the middle, but allowed me to offer support should he wish to.

Canitbemagic · 20/02/2021 07:37

I’d log it with the GP, report it to social services -I’d phone and ask them for advice and say you have tried to raise it with the parents but you are now concerned due to the parents’ attitude and response and the fact they were not pro active in telling you.
Log it now. You might find a quick phone call from them - stops it. Have a text trail. Eg text your ex husband - as attached photos show deep scratch marks which DS said were inflicted by his step sister. He also said he had a bath with her - she is 9, so this is inappropriate given their ages now. Could you let me know what discipline you took over the scratches and also what first aid you did - as they are deep etc

Youseethethingis · 20/02/2021 07:59

But actually what more are you expecting? She apologised with a cuddle, all the adults are aware, they know you’re not happy about it and that sounds like closure to me.
I’d want to know she’d been punished. Exactly the same expectation as if some horrible brat at school had done this to my child.

MeridianB · 20/02/2021 08:00

@CagneyNYPD

Of course she has. If the girl's mother accepts that you are right, then she has to accept that they were in the wrong. That her DD was out of line.

Photos

2.GP appt 3.call to Nspcc for advice esp in light of the bath sharing and the telling mum comments.

Agree with this. And ALL people who have commented since your last post saying you are not overreacting.

And in all the play fighting I’ve seen with my children and SCs and when I was a child, no one ever came away with scratches like those you describe.

To suggest this is no big deal tells you a lot about the way this household operates and the level of support you son can expect when he’s there.

Please protect your son from people who don’t have his best interests at heart.

Original poster

crackerss · 20/02/2021 09:14

I've spoken to DS about it again and he still seems a little upset about the whole thing. I know that his step sister can get angry, very quickly, so I don't doubt him when he says he didn't do anything to cause that reaction. DS is a placid child. He's also always said that the step sister never gets told off for anything so it's no surprise there were no repercussions for this incident.

He's due to go back there next weekend so I'll have another chat with him closer to the time. I'm disgusted that I wasn't told about the scratches by my ex when I collected DS, and I'm also upset that they just don't seem to think it's a big deal.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 20/02/2021 09:27

How did he feel about the bath, OP? And is the girl mean to him in the shared bedroom at night?

Original poster

crackerss · 20/02/2021 09:39

@MeridianB To be honest he didn't seem too bothered about the shared bath which is surprising as he's quite private at home!

He hasn't said she's mean to him in their bedroom, but he says she's very bossy and gets cross sometimes if he doesn't do what she says.

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/02/2021 09:43

Definitely keep an eye on things and encourage him to keep talking to you

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.