Partner worried about children from previous relationship

[Emmasharpling]

Me and my partner are just about to start trying for a baby but he is worried how his two boys from his previous relationship will feel. His children are 11&9 and we all have a good relationship, he sees them regularly within his set plan with their mum and i get on with them well. The last few months weve been working on finding a balance for everyone when the children stay at ours to ensure everyone is happy and weve now decided to try for a baby.
My partner is worried how the boys will feel as the baby will be with him 7 days a week but them only 2. I have no intention of anything changing with the way he treats his two children he already has in terms of when he sees them and their relationship etc or with how i will treat them as i want them to feel involved and not pushed out in anyway as this baby would be their brother or sister.
Is it normal for parents to feel this way? Is there anything i can do to reassure him? Or anything we should do to ensure the boys dont feel negatively about a new baby?
Im sure we will work it out along the way it would just be nice to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. ☺️

It's good that he is worried, but doesn't mean he is right to be worried.

When you tell his children make sure you let them know it is OK if they don't know how they feel about the news. Even if they know the relationship between their mum and dad is over the baby might kind of seal the deal if that makes sense.

You could let then be involved with choosing a middle name or things for the baby if you think they might like that.

I would suggest reassuring them that they will still keep their own rooms and make sure dad has one to one time with them.

It is hard but it can work :)

@NewScone i agree it shows what the boys mean to him and with me having his baby in the future thats only a good thing!
That does make sense and i did say to him that we tell them together and in the right way so they know nothing will change in their relationship and that we want them to be involved as much as they want etc.
The middle name is a good idea, id thought of getting them to help pick clothes, toys etc.
Thank you ☺️

It is both normal and wise for him to give serious thought and concern to anything that might have a significant impact on his children.

In nuclear families, parents will.consider the question of having yet, another child if having an additional child will! In any way effect the quality of life that they can provide for their existing children. Sometimes, it becomes a question of is this the right time to have another child? It may be a questions of how many children can we afford to send to college , do we plan to send them to private schools, etc?

There are many questions that parents struggle with in making the decision to increase the family size. Your partner is just doing what any caring or responsible parent would be doing. He is trying to decide how the impact of this decision will effect his life going forward.

When we divorced, my ex and I agreed that neither of us would have more children. We were each positioned to provide the quality of life that we wanted for our existing children and this was the size of the family that we each wanted. During our divorce proceedings, he had a vasectomy. In addition to only wanting to 2 children, neither of us had ever been in a family where our siblings were born outside of our nuclear families, and we wanted the same structure for our children.

For us this was the right decision; we would not have chosen to have another child should we have stayed together.. Prior to getting married, we talked extensively about the number of children that we each wanted to have. Fortunately for us we were in agreement as to the number.

Your partner has to look at how this decision will impact both you and his existing circumstances. It sounds as though he is doing the caring and responsible thing.

You too should be considering his ability to both emotionally and financially support and provide for 3 or more children. There are so very many things to consider before making the decision to have a child.

Giving adequate thought to the decision can help to minimize problems later. A thoughtful man is the kind of father that you should want for your child.

Is your partner planning to increase his time with his children in time? He may feel he can cope with a third child when he only has the other 2 two nights a week but ideally he would be doing more parenting of them than that and as they are approaching teen years that will become more possible.

DH and I have 2 DC and a DSD who lives with her mum and was 10 when our first DC was born. DH has found it hard at times especially when he sees what he missed out on with his DD after he and her mum split. We did the normal things of including DD but not making it all about the baby, making sure she for attention etc but we actually found that it was easy for the first year but once DD became a toddler it got harder. when she was a baby we still did all the same things with DD (apart from the cinema) as a baby just fits in with most things you do but once she was older we had to try and find activities for both children which with the age difference was quite tricky and still is really

@rawalpindithelabrador

Feel so sorry for the children of all these people who feel compelled to have a child or more with every partner they get with and people who feel compelled to procreate with them. Never mind they must all be minted to be able to afford 3+ kids with all these partners. All too often the next relationship doesn't survive, either.

OP's partner has 2 children and is trying for a child. Lots of people have 3 children. I don't see what the problem is.

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority he has the boys everyday he is off work as he works shift work. When speaking to him he said he knows we will be fine and so will the baby but he doesnt want the boys to feel left out because they arent here everyday which i understand. I did say to him that we dont know whats going to happen in the future as the boys grow older they may want to stay with us more or they may want to stay at ours less as they start going out with friends etc no1 knows and whatever they decide is okay. I just feel like he doenst want them hurt in anyway which to me shows hes a good dad

Thank you! Just because my partner has kids with bis previous partner who he was with for 10 years and it didnt work doesnt mean he shouldnt have children with me and that we are going to fail. I was asking for advice, some people are so opinionated!

@user1493413286 thats understandable thank you for sharing how uve found it. I said to him i think it would be easier when they were a baby as like u said it wouldnt impact what he does with the boys and like u said harder as they got older but as the boys are already approaching teen years i suspect what we do will all change in time anyway as they grow older 🤷🏼‍♀️

@rawalpindithelabrador judgemental much? The OP isn’t suggesting that her partner has had children with several different partners; just one! Lots of people have more than 2 children with just one partner and manage financially and in a situation where there’s also 2 mums to contribute financially it’s different again.
It’d be incredibly sad if all the people who had a marriage or relationship that didn’t work in which they had kids never got to move on and those children never get to experience the joy of other siblings

@rawalpindithelabrador
You are right in the sense that there should not be a universal or absolute position on having more children . it should be an individual and personal decision in each situation. The people involved know how much emotional and financial capitol they have available to invest in additional children. They know how they feel about family structures. My children have adjusted well to 2 step siblings. I think that adjustments have been easier for both my children and step children because we were all able to ensure them that neither parent would be bringing more children into this new family structure.
This worked well for our family; a different arrangement may have worked equality well for another family.
The values and goals of the couple should be the determining factor. My ex and I were in agreement as to what we wanted for our children and how we wanted for their sibling structure. Those goals for our children did not end with divorce.

The OPs partner will ultimately decide what is best in his situation. His children will no doubt adjust in some form or fashion to whatever decision that he makes.

Personally, I think that if 1 of the parties has reservations or concerns about the wisdom of having a child at a given time or under existing circumstances it is better to delay until those concerns have been addressed or resolve. In many situations, partners will later blame the other partner for forcing or encouraging them to make choices and decisions to which they were not fully committed. Better to let him take time to resolve or come to terms with any concerns.

@Tiredoftattler that is very true, there is no wrong or right way you just have to do what is best for you and your individual situation.
I dont know that its so much he has doubts, the conversation of having children came up early in our relationship as i didnt have any and he has the two boys and for me having children is something i really wanted. So its always been a discussion and something we have been working towards.
I think its more because its more reality now rather than a discussion for the future. He said he just wanted reassurance that nothing would change with the boys and that he doesnt want them to feel hurt in anyway.

I think you are being a little naive to say it will not change anything.
it will, it has to otherwise you will resent the time he spends with his DCs and think your DC is missing out.
The DCs will be treated differently by you as you will have less time for them.

Planning for changes and accepting that the dynamic will not stay the same and expecting some changes in their behaviour would be better than pretending nothing will change.

Rooms will be a first are there enough for all the DCs to have one or are his DCS going to have to share now - better to be upfront about someobvious changes that will happen - than believing they will not

@bogoffmda i said changes in his relationship and how he treats his boys. I know that there will be changes to our living arrangements and the family dynamics.

Creating a new family when you have children already is so difficult, I have done it.

There have to be many things in place and having an 11&9 year old and then a baby will definitely divide up the family when you are together because the baby cannot do what they can do. This means you will me left holding the baby whilst he does stuff with the boys. If the age gap was more like a normal family it would make it a lot more seamless

Honestly, this is very weird!!!
If he wants a child with you, he should be worrying about YOU!! Of course his boys will be ok! They always are Ok!
I'd be extremely annoyed if I were planning a baby and my husband was stressing me out thinking about what children will think. That's ridiculous.

Personally, I think that if 1 of the parties has reservations or concerns about the wisdom of having a child at a given time or under existing circumstances it is better to delay until those concerns have been addressed or resolve. In many situations, partners will later blame the other partner for forcing or encouraging them to make choices and decisions to which they were not fully committed. Better to let him take time to resolve or come to terms with any concerns.

On the flipside though it would be entirely unreasonable of him to expect his partner who wants children to wait potentially 10 years for his children to be adults, which is the only time those concerns are likely to resolve.

He would need to specifically seek out a partner that does not want kids to have the luxury of putting it off indefinitely or for a life altering length of time purely because of his kids.

Hi OP. Similar situation for us.
DP has 2 kids (13 & 10), I have DD (14). Our first baby together is due in a few months.
We just involved all the kids from the start, showing them scan pictures, talking to them about baby, asking for their thoughts on decorating baby's nursery etc etc.
Luckily all 3 kids are very excited for the arrival of their sibling. It might have to do with their ages as I imagine younger children might find it harder? Just tell your DP to involve the kids and make them feel part of it, and talk to them about how they feel etc.

@Emmasharpling

Thank you! Just because my partner has kids with bis previous partner who he was with for 10 years and it didnt work doesnt mean he shouldnt have children with me and that we are going to fail. I was asking for advice, some people are so opinionated!

Ignore spiteful comments like that OP. There are lots of other lovely helpful people on these boards.

@Amanda87

Honestly, this is very weird!!! If he wants a child with you, he should be worrying about YOU!! Of course his boys will be ok! They always are Ok! I'd be extremely annoyed if I were planning a baby and my husband was stressing me out thinking about what children will think. That's ridiculous.

In some ways I can see your point. In a nuclear family you'd be unlikely to discuss the conceiving or not of siblings with any existing children, you'd just make a decision as parents to have another one. So I do think it's a fine line between being overly concerned about it and not considering the other children at all. If my DP had said to me when we discussed trying for a baby "but what if my other kids feel pushed out" and was obsessing over this, I'd get annoyed too. But for it to be a consideration and a discussion, fair enough. Like I say, there's a fine line.

@LouJ85
You might not discuss having another child with your existing children but it would be extremely foolish to have another child without considering the impact on the existing children.

Surely, you gave thought to whether your combined incomes would allow you to support and educate the children that you had before adding another child to the mix. Did you not consider the emotional investment required by your existing children before you had another? Did you not discuss the life style that you wish to provide for your current children before having another?

Your children's voices may not have been present at the table, but the impact of that decision on them was or should have been on the table.

The decision to have a child has wide range and long lasting impacts on many people and various aspects of your life. Simple maternal or paternal longing is not reason enough to have a child.

A man could conceivably have a child with every partner with whom he has been involved if he were not thoughtful enough to care about the impact of his actions on others, and a woman could conceivably have a child with any man that she was foolish enough to think of as "the one" or her " soul mate" if that were her only criteria for a child.

Having a child is far too important a decision to not consider all of the potential impact and ramifications before making that choice.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@LouJ85
You might not discuss having another child with your existing children but it would be extremely foolish to have another child without considering the impact on the existing children.

Surely, you gave thought to whether your combined incomes would allow you to support and educate the children that you had before adding another child to the mix. Did you not consider the emotional investment required by your existing children before you had another? Did you not discuss the life style that you wish to provide for your current children before having another?

Your children's voices may not have been present at the table, but the impact of that decision on them was or should have been on the table.

The decision to have a child has wide range and long lasting impacts on many people and various aspects of your life. Simple maternal or paternal longing is not reason enough to have a child.

A man could conceivably have a child with every partner with whom he has been involved if he were not thoughtful enough to care about the impact of his actions on others, and a woman could conceivably have a child with any man that she was foolish enough to think of as "the one" or her " soul mate" if that were her only criteria for a child.

Having a child is far too important a decision to not consider all of the potential impact and ramifications before making that choice.[/quote]

I said I wouldn't discuss the decision to have more children with any existing children. Because it ultimately is an adult decision to make.

I didn't say my partner and I didn't consider^ and discuss between us^ all of the issues you raise.

Funny how environmentalists only want to police women's bodies: "you can only have two children if you want to save the planet" but it seems men will be allowed to procreate with multiple females multiple times.

Anyway, hubby sounds like he shows a lot of concern for his existing kiddos, which has to be a good thing, right?