Advice for dad with step teens

[steveuk1979]

Hello.

I've been with my new partner for two years and started cohabiting at the start of the first lock down.

I see my own kids who are still in single digits 50% and my partner sees hers slightly less we try to encourage an overlap two weekends a month where we do something fun and all eat together. My prayers kids are very good with mine and no problems have arisen.

The reason for my post is that I find it difficult to form any sort of bond with my partners daughter. Her youngest. Her son who is nearly 16 is much easier despite the fact everything revolves around football of which I have no interest. Perhaps because my inner child reverts back to being 16 or possible because he's a boy I find it easier, but he does start conversations and ask me things. There is some shared interest in Xbox gaming. It was my passion before kids and of course he spends his spare time playing fifa.

I don't have anything in common with her daughter who is 13 apart from one thing. Cooking. I have no experience in how to talk to a 13 year old and I guess it saps my confidence. I try in fits and starts.

I am the cook in the house and enjoy doing it, my step daughter is a veggie and I always make a creative alternative to the main meal or sometime just make a vegetarian dish for us all. Prior to that she'd just have quorn sausages. I generally don't get any feed back, or a thanks even which disheartens me I have mentioned it to my partner who understands and has said she have a word. I've said don't. As I don't want to feel like I'm telling tales.

She often bakes, and I've offered to help. And also asked if she wants to help me. She doesn't. In fact the dialogue is basic at best. She can't even look at me when she says no.

Also when she has a question about life, history, science she will always ask her mum. If her mum said she didn't know, I'd pipe up and provide the answer. Which would be greeted with they recoil cringe wft do you know face kids do... so I've stopped doing it at all. I feel like a bit of an irrelevant spare part who just puts a roof over their heads and makes tea...

I know the majority of it is my own insecurities, inexperienced and lack of confidence so really any tips and advice would be greatly received.

In addition to this, when the two step siblings argue, fight as kids do, it intimidates me. I'm not a small guy, 6ft1 but I don't know how to tackle that either, I certainly don't feel comfortable telling them off... again any advice here too.

@stepdad101

Thanks for taking the time to post, I will take all of what you have said onboard and try and learn for your experiences. It definitely sounds like you had a rough few years but now reaping some of the rewards for your continued effort... and your DP support. I can only hope I may reach the same milestone.

I often think I'm some ways it's easier for a step dad if the relationship with their natural farther is fractured on not existent. You are able to demonstrate the benefit and stability you bring. Thankfully for my step kids their dad is a good bloke and gets on well with my DP.

Thanks again

@steveuk1979 sounds like a very similar situation, my mum left my dad and I enjoyed being at his as it was "home" rather than my mums new house. I never settled properly there and liked weekends with my dad as that's where all my friends were. He also stayed single and didn't really move on. My lack of any kind of feelings for my step dad was a misplaced sense of loyalty. Your SD also has the added questioning of your commitment due to a previous relationship of her mums failing. Give it time, she will come around.

I am now in the position where I have a dd and I am with a partner who is not her dad, she is much younger so none of the added teenage hormone issues but I think it's really important to back my partner up with "parenting" decisions. She is with us 12 days out of 14 so he is a big part of raising her. Generally they have a great relationship although she can be a wee madam at times. I never undermine him in front of her as I feel that would open the gates to her disrespecting him and that's never going to work, he is an adult who deserves respect for that fact alone without taking into account everything he does for her. He doesn't have DCs of his own and treats her/openly says he loves her as if she was his own. I do think age plays a big part in that as they met when she was 4. If I feel he has been harsh in a decision (small things like no desert because dinner wasn't finished, no film/toy as she hasn't tidied her room or had a temper tantrum etc) I discuss it with him on our own. This is rare as he tends to be a lot easier on her than I am and his discipline skills are non existent 🙈

You sound like a really nice guy who just wants to get on with your SD, I really hope it all works out for you (and SD). I'd be lost without my step dad now. 18 years is a long time and the first 4/5 until I was 18ish weren't great.

@steveuk1979

Glad some of my words were helpful.

Yes I agree the fact that the father of my DSC was absent for a while made things easier in some ways however this was offset by the lasting effects of the trauma he inflicted on his children and the time and effort that has been required to support them over the last four years.

Unfortunately he is now raising his head and causing issues once more but at the end of the day he is their father and the children have to make their own mind up as to whether they consider him worthy of being in their lives, but that is a whole other thread!!

I think the experiences of each step parent is unique and there are pro's and con's to each scenario, ultimately we have to remember that however much we care about our SC and however much we love our DP our own happiness is the most important thing and we need to do what is right for us. If we feel our views aren't respected or our efforts appreciated then it's probably time to reassess the situation.

I recently spent a few hours reading several pages of posts on these Step Parents pages and it opened my eyes to what goes on within other family units, if you have the time then I suggest you do the same if you haven't already. I'm sure it will open your eyes and give you some reassurance that your SD's behaviour is pretty standard for a teenager who's been through what she's been through and that there is a future for your relationship if you want there to be.

All the best

@stepdad101 thank you, I have read a few and will keep reading. It good therapy and reassuring to know you're not the only one. Kind of a therapy I guess. wish you the best and hope you manage to sort things with the dad.

@Gem176 thanks for the perspective. I think as an adult and with the luxury of hindsight site and maturity it's easy to see how your behaviour was bad or that you wish you could change things. In some respects you have the luxuary if first hand experience to help your DP. My parents are still together so at times feel lost and in uncharted waters... hopefully my DP will support me when i feel like this and things will improve with time.

Kids are dickheads especially teenage girls.

We're going through similar and my teenage DD is a dickhead to my DP of 3 years. She is also a dickhead to me.

We have decided that as adults we have to take the high ground and do the 'right thing' even though she won't look at us half the time.

You sound like a great dad and you seem to be doing the right thing putting the effort in. Teenagers don't have fully functioning brains but one day she will look back and realise all the wonderful effort you put in and be thankful even if she doesn't tell you!

My step dad is a great guy but I was a bit of dickhead when I was a teenager he nearly left a few times because of me. I'm about to name my newborn after him. Hang in there and a PP said play the long game.

@steveuk1979 Don't get me wrong, regarding pleases or thankyous I'm talking firmly in the context of young dependent children. I'd certainly thank my mum now if she cooked dinner for me. Btw does your DSD thank her mum for cooking?

I appreciate people are brought up differently but please and thank you not being taught or expected baffle me. With the greatest of respect, how is a child supposed to navigate the complexities of saying thanks at an appropriate time if it's not taught as basic gratitude at home? Do they not say thanks for a birthday present because it's 'expected' I firmly believe it's the parents job to teach manners as default so it can be applied in life generally.

I totally agree with you...its all in how you were raised and the values instilled in you. It's why kids end up with entitled attitudes..because they expect things.

As a little kid...if someone gave me a gift and my mum wasn't there, I had to tell her, so she could thank them as well. My DM said her mum was the same and I've done the same with my DC. It's about appreciation and courtesy.

My DC are in University...it's our responsibility to support them..but it doesn't mean they shouldn't say thanks when we send their rent to them.

There was another thread where a poster said she didn't think her children should thank their grandparents or anyone else who posted a birthday gift. Her DH felt they should...clearly different upbringings were at play here. She just didn't feel the need and found it annoying that her H wanted the DC to say thanks. I honestly couldn't get my head round the belief that this was acceptable.

When my parents or PIL send through a gift, I ensure my DC call or send a message to thank them. They don't have to give presents...it's not an obligation, but they've made the effort and a thank you, is the very least the recipient should do.

When pp say my children are polite and well brought up......I question their definition of polite if they think not saying thank you for a gift/ meal prepared them is fine.

It's an expectation that the cashier in the supermarket rings through my purchases....but I still say thank you when it's done.

The cashier is being paid...it's his/her job...he/she is obliged to do this...so what stops me from taking my shopping and walking away? Common courtesy...but I do believe that just like common sense...it isn't that common these days.

@MyCatHatesEverybody yes she thanks her mum. Her mums quite firm on manors regardless. Which is why I've picked up on them not thanking me.

@SandyY2K

When I was a kid my mum would make us write to my great and and uncle for the books they'd bout us for Xmas. Hated doing it... taught me well thought.

I think the meals are a red herring, surely the issue is your SD mocks him and her mother does n’t pull her up on it.

Both the OP former and current partner take the piss out of him, you could call that abusive. It won’t be long before the op’s children pick up on this and lose respect for their father. In his situation I’d end the relationship

My SD never thanks me for anything, still doesn’t. Her father doesn’t correct even after years of moaning about it, even after years of giving him looks across the room, even after years of kicking him under the table. My resentment grew and grew now I do nothing for her and I don’t help him out with anything for her. You either deal with now firmly or opt out. It’s a recipe for killing confidence and leads to other problems in my opinion. Good luck

@Witchymclovely sorry to here that. I guess you can only hint so many time.

I've often thought it would come to that myself, you know... while making an effort cooking her a separate (veggie) meal, anticipating the zero thanks... thinking this is the last time.

But who is to blame here... I don't think it's me, I making the effort. I'm only human. Who would keep doing something for someone when getting no thanks. Other than for a monetary exchange ie a job that it's the bills.

It's the fault of the parent (that's not me) your partner, and into adulthood the fault of the stepkid. Ultimately their loss not mine/yours.

Yes I have become more pessimistic since my orig post, mainly because it continues but also that i have more realised that I can't change people.

Steve are you happy?

For the most part yeh

Good. 👍