Can she do this? (sorry another CSA rant!)

[purplelollypop]

The saga continues....
Now DSC's mother has dramatically reduced the no of nights that DSC can stay overnight with us to 1 or 2 nights a week, (it used to be at least 3), as the less they stay here the more CSA payments she will get. We're in the process of appealing against the CSA's decision on payments as they have all of the facts wrong. If she now changes everything we have no case. In fact under this arrangement we would have to pay more.
We are entitled to none of the benefits that a family with 3 children would receive (eg childcare vouchers, family tax credits etc.) but are paying for it all.
More sadly we have had to explain (a more simplified version of this) to DSC. We thought it was better that they know the reason why they were seeing us less, than anything their DM would tell them. It was heart breaking to see all of them crying as they just can't understand why this is happening. We need to take this to court but again, we won't get legal aid and she will. On top of the huge payments we are having to make every month a minimum of £150 p/h for a solicitior is going to bancrupt us.

I agree, it isn't the fathers who are always the bad guys.

Do you know, I have clearly gone mad. Apologies, I did get FNF and FFJ confused!

However, I stand by my point that it is bloody cruel to involve children in the parents' arguments. It's no justification to wail: 'She did it first'. Any parent who genuinely cares for their child will do everything they can to avoid dragging the children into it.

Maybe FNF should consider rebranding to avoid dunces like me getting them confused. FN Dads or something.

I am generally in favour of children having relationships with both parents (assuming both are decent). But I am not in favour of either party upsetting the children by passive or active aggression.

What you do in PLP's situation Edam? The children are upset because they can't see their dad as often any more because their mum is stopping them. How would you explain it to them?

I wouldn't tell them anything that would leave them in tears.

But how would you explain it?

I'm not trying to put you on the spot here, but am interested in getting someone's opinion who has been in this situation as a child [msile].

That was meant to be !

I'm not sure what else we could have done. Dp and I were both in tears about it afterwards but we still think we did the right thing. Children are not stupid, they know that suddenly they are not seeing dad as much as they used to and they will wonder why. Is it better to let them cry on their own at a later point or to start a dialogue about it to help them understand that it's not because he doesn't want them? I do understand your point Edam (about trying to protect children from this) and we have always taken this approach in the past but I think that in the long run there will be less hurt to if they can understand what is going on now. They will have to know that we are going to court anyway as one, possibly 2 of them will be old enough to give their opinion.

And I completly resent you implying that we were using 'passive agression'. We have done everything we possibly can to keep the children out of this. As I said earlier we made sure that we didn't put the blame on their DM. I was not saying that we involved them because 'she did it first'. You tell me what we should have done. We are feeling terrible enough about this as it is.

I really feel for you in your situation. Please do not be put off by the amount of reasearch you have to do. What we have done since being stunk is. We wrote down everything that we wanted from the court appearance. Why we wanted it. Obviously always remembering that it it is what is best for DSC not DP or EX. What do the children need and want.

Then once you have all you want to say. and answered any of Ex 'issues'. DH ex has always got a load of them and some in reserve too. That actually never have come to anything but she keeps trying. Then find out which solicitor does a free 1/2 hour or free hour if your lucky and go a long and show him/her what you have written down. Any issues and they will point you in the right direction. As now Dh does this and basically goes for 1/2 hour freebie and is all done and dusted in 10 minutes. Knowing exactly what he needs to do. And it has cost nothing.
Then once at court the judge and Ex solicitors will help you in every way they can, and you basically state what you have to say and then go with the flow either you compromise or you stick with it and if your not happy then ask to go in front of the judge and he/she will give direction. Which usually ends up being another court appearance with statements written to the judge beforehand.

It sounds mind boggling but once you've done it a few times you get more confidence. It is ealier and cheaper and you, well we certainly have come away with more than we went in for. Well that was 18 months ago but obviously now DH ex is playing silly bu*rs again now and has started all this process again. But hey ho we soilder on, and hope and pray that DSC still continue to come as regular. So they do not miss out.
Good Luck

Thank you Edam for making the distinction.

F4J and FNF may have similar ultimate aims - which is the right of CHILDREN to have a full and fullfilling relationship with BOTH parents post-separation.

F4J are a pressure group, whereas FNF are a national charity that have been going more than 30 years, they are gender neutral and indeed have many female members. My McKenzie friend is one of FNF trustees and she's certainly no mad wife beater! ... just someone who has been failed like many of us by the family justice system and want to improve the lives of other children and their relationship with both parents. If I can improve the life of one child then I feel that I've done the best I can

anyway, purplelollypop - get your other half (and yourself!) to the nearest FNF meeting, have a look at FNF's website, they have a list of local branches. Join up and you'll have access to a huge range of information and advice and support. Going LIP isn't as difficult as you think, it takes a bit of dedication and time, but nothing that you can't deal with. If you have access to a word processor, a printer and a photocopier and tinternet access then you are sorted. You will save thousands and get a better result. Your kids deserve it as there's nothing more important than your kids

keep strong, feel free to contact me if you want other info
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