Another AIBU!

[PennyLane75]

First time seeker of advice here so please be kind!
I'll try and make this as short as possible.
Dh & I are both divorced approx 10 years, together for 8 & married for 4. I have one dd (15) & he has 4 ds (22, 20, 17 & 15).
In our house we pay the mortgage 50/50 & I pay 2/3rds of all else for my dd & I, & dh pays 1/3. I holiday alone with my dd which I pay for & if dh & I go away together we pay 50/50. I get on well with my exh & his dw & my dd is a happy content girl who also has a great relationship with dh.
When dh divorced they sold the family home which he had inherited so he was able to buy his exw a good size family home outright with no mortgage & a small cottage for himself where he sees the boys 5 nights one week & 2 nights the next week. They live over an hour away & we chose to not blend for many reasons but space (dh & I couldn't afford a larger place together without selling the cottage), the fact that his dc had weekend sports & my dd finding them very overwhelming being the main reasons.
Dh's ex doesn't work outside the home & on divorcing he agreed to give her £200 per week per child. He also pays ALL school stuff inc. trips & pays ALL third level outgoings for the eldest & will do so for the others. He also takes them on all their holidays. He has a good job & is financially astute so he can afford to do this, but only just - it leaves him with virtually nothing left over at the end of the month. Since covid the eldest has been back with dm so dh is now back to giving her £800 a week!!!! - having paid uni fees & accommodation for a full year! Despite the boys getting older his exw is still not working. This is fine - her choice - except for the fact that since I've know him she has always had issues with money. The first few years weren't so bad - mainly her refusing to buy the boys clothes so dh would have to, but the last three have been awful. Every month there's a fresh request for money for car tax/car insurance/house maintenance/house fuel/a holiday - you name it, she requests it. Initially dh would say no but this would cause war and she'd be roaring down the phone at him in front of the kids so he'd capitulate & pay whatever bill it was.
This week however dh tells me that she's contacted him and wants 15K. Her grand scheme is that dh lends it to her & she'll give it back to him in a few years when she sells her (mortgage free) house. He phoned his solicitor who said he (dh) can draw up an agreement & get her (the ex) to sign it & that it 'should' stand up in court down the road but it may not.
Dh did all this behind my back so to speak - both he & ex have signed the document but he hasn't given her the money yet as he's having to cash in a small pension fund to get her the money!!!!! I am beyond raging but he says he 'has' to do this as his 17 year old spent all last weekend crying because his dm is so mean about money. The 22 year old is heading back to uni next week & the 20 year old is due to start so aside from the 15K his ex wants dh has two large uni bills coming up.
AIBU in being angry & thinking all this is absolutely ridiculous? This is not about the money per sae, it's about the fact that dh is (& always has) letting himself be taken for a massive ride. The last few years have really taken their toll on him emotionally & financially & it's all at the hands of his exw. He works ferocious hours to provide for them all & is honestly becoming a shadow of his former self & I'm genuinely worried about his health. He is always worried (about the boys) & tired & as a result is permanently cranky.
I can't seem to get through to him that this whole situation is madness. Does anyone have any advice/tips/suggestions at getting through to someone in this situation?
Sorry for the lost post but it feels good to get it all out.

@Enoughnowstop had hit the nail on the head. What was reasonable ( and v, generous ) when they divorced 10 years ago isn’t reasonable or sustainable anymore.

I think your DH needs to withdraw the 15K loan and make a concrete plan to drastically reduce his financial support. I know she says she’s going to sell the house in a few years, but there’s no guarantee she will. If your DH wants to be kind
( and he sounds like a kind person), he could come up with a graduated reduction over the next three years to give her a chance to sort herself out. But it would force her to actually do it by a deadline.

Christ she’s had it good. No wonder she continues to push for more! Who wouldn’t? She’s had absolutely zero incentive to work or provide for herself because her exh is her cash point.

Staggering. I’m shaking my head in absolute disbelief.

I have WOHM all my life and it has not been remotely easy, juggling childcare and a job. In actual fact it’s been a nightmare. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way, because I have retained my financial independence.Career sacrifice recognised post divorce? I think a lot of career sacrificers have had it pretty nicely for sometime

Had it pretty nicely?! Don't make me laugh. Sure, for some people, it works out well. I am still waiting for child maintenance 10 years on.

It is great things worked well for you. It isn't always possible, depending on the demands of job roles, the availability of part-time work, disability in children who need to frequently attend appointments etc. etc. etc. Indeed, the OP makes it clear that her partner had 4 children and pursued a career that involved travel. That automatically means the ex was stuck with managing childcare and not being able to travel herself, attend early/late meetings etc. etc. It can have a massive impact on the ability to move forwards in the workplace. I haven't been able to seek promotion in the last 10 years precisely for those reasons - that |I can't leave the house any earlier than the time it takes to get me to be knocking on the door when the childcare opens. Ditto, I can't be later than childcare closing.

Don't fall into the trap of assuming if all women just tried a bit harder, they too could be earning a small fortune and not need the ex to do his bit.

Of course, the situation the OP describes is something quite different again but in my experience, is certainly not the norm.

I wouldn’t let this go, OP, unless you can genuinely afford to write off £15,000. Because that’s essentially what will happen. And she will be back for more. Your DH is reestablishing himself as her safety net. The principle is as damaging as the financial hit.

I am stunned that your DH is giving her this money. Both parents are supposed to contribute to the finances for the children. She has no mortgage and is saying that a tax-free amount of £3200 a month is not enough. She is living in a dream world.

In five years when the maintenance stops she will be telling the boys she is destitute and it’s your fault and the lump sum demands will follow.

He needs to talk to his sons about the money and call her bluff. If she decides she can’t afford car insurance then fine. Can the 15 and 17 yo get a bus?

I don’t know where to start with this. OP’s dh’s inability to set normal emotional/financial boundaries. Whether it’s the dc or the ex wife (ex wife in name only). The first family still floundering around and struggling to move on.

While women like enoughnowstop struggle to get a foothold in the workplace post divorce, women like OP’s DH’s first wife take the biscuit! But why? Because their ex-husbands allow it! The sums of money are astonishing. Everyone is asleep at the wheel here.

It would be a wake up call to me (and a dealbreaker, actually) that he was about to proceed with this new ‘“loan” (handout). It shows his commitment is not solely with you.

I would be saying: develop a backbone pronto and some boundaries or... its divorce no.2.

You might be financially independent now,OP, but what if something happened to YOU? Could your dh be there for YOU? Or is he actually spread way too thin for that, with his first wife and kids? Genuine question.

YANBU. If she can't continue to have him funding her lifestyle, she can get out and get a job.

OP, you are an angel! That would piss me off so much that our relationship wouldn't survive. My DP still pays for his ex wife's 19 year old son from previous relationship (because the father lives in Cuba and is poor) and feels like an arsehole if he stops, but the amounts don't even compare to yours!

If he's left with nothing at the end of the month, does it mean that he's not able so save money? That will affect your future together, does he see it? Do you have plans for retirement?

I would tell him that 1) the sacrifice for the kids is not an excuse to never do anything about it, an adult of any age can take a course and start a new carreer. 2) If he gives in to manipulation, it will never end. 3) Children are big enough to understand that the mother is manipulating and could even tell her to stop, so I think it's possible to tell them the truth 4) He has to work on his guilt (with a therapist) 5) You are finding it hard to see him so down and cranky, it's affecting your relationship and your respect for him, etc.

It's hard to change and people around (in this case, the ex and the kids) will not embrace the change of the situation, but if he sees that it could affect his relationship with you, he might do something about it. If you just support it, there's no need to change.

It's hard to deal with manipulators...

@Enoughnowstop I’m sorry to hear you’re still waiting on child maintenance. I think I made it pretty clear in my post that both parents should pay towards the costs of their children. It’s not happened with you? For that I’m sorry.

I’m fully aware of ramifications to promotions/ job roles / salaries. Given I too haven’t been able to go for many roles/ jobs because of childcare / appt commitments. At which point did my post sat I didn’t understand that or that women needed to try harder. Stop projecting words onto me that I at no point have said. Or written.

And yes, some career sacrifiers have had it very nicely. I can point to dozens. My point is valid and stands. This woman in the OP’s example is taking the absolute biscuit.

@Enoughnowstop,
I understand that it's been difficult for you, but you are projecting quiet a lot on posts that have nothing to do with your situation...
Yes, in general, women sacrify themselves more and with many children and a travelling husband, her career was affected. What prevented her from starting to look for a new career when the youngest became more independent? And why does the husband has to be barely making the ends meet while supporting her? And what's the excuse for not teaching the children to value money more?

I also don't get maintenant for almost 10 years now and my career was affected too and it was hard to get back on my feed, but there's no excuse for this woman.