Do your SC babysit your DC?

[FourX]

Do you/would you let your teenage step children look after your baby? DP has suggested it and I've said no, she is a child herself. We're talking hours not just a short period of time btw. AIBU?

Yes that is partly it but pushing for DSD to look after him I think he sees will help them form a closer bond. However, I think it will do the exact opposite. Whilst she is good with him she isn't interested in babies - pushing her baby brother on her will grow resentment not a loving bond imo.

Gosh I wish I had this question to answer. What is she like with him?

My 14 year old DSD will not watch our toddler for even a few minutes. She has never picked her up for a cuddle. She once had to watch her in the buggy for ten minutes while I was in hospital (nothing trivial either) and she raged about it for an entire day.

Her father and I once left her for half n hour with the baby sleeping. We said to call us if she woke. She called, we came back but DSD had simply gone to the garden so she didn't have to hear baby crying. She didn't even pick her up.

Another time my hands were full so I put baby on her lap while I walked across the room to get something. When I turned around the baby was screaming on the cold floor, ignored. DSD used to stretch out her arms so the baby rolled out if anyone tried to hand baby over (we gave up but other relatives would do it not realising it was a terrible idea).

I don't think I will ever let her babysit at any age. However I do think fourteen is too young for a few hours unless she has a neighbour or other adult very close by willing to jump in.

*My 14 year old DSD will not watch our toddler for even a few minutes. She has never picked her up for a cuddle. She once had to watch her in the buggy for ten minutes while I was in hospital (nothing trivial either) and she raged about it for an entire day.

Her father and I once left her for half n hour with the baby sleeping. We said to call us if she woke. She called, we came back but DSD had simply gone to the garden so she didn't have to hear baby crying. She didn't even pick her up.

Another time my hands were full so I put baby on her lap while I walked across the room to get something. When I turned around the baby was screaming on the cold floor, ignored. DSD used to stretch out her arms so the baby rolled out if anyone tried to hand baby over (we gave up but other relatives would do it not realising it was a terrible idea).*

I kind of admire her assertiveness.

I wouldn't call it assertiveness. As I said the hospital visit was nothing trivial - I was undergoing aggressive chemo and had a very bad reaction on my way home. After my partner half carried me back to the ward he had to wait a few mins to make sure I was being seen. When the doc came (thankfully extremely quickly as the oncology team had been alerted and was waiting for me) he ran back out to his daughters. DSD had been asked to stand beside the buggy on the corridor. DSD sulked for twenty four hours about it saying she should not have to do our parenting.

@Isthisnothing

Your SD sounds awful.

Leaving a baby on a cold floor! Shocking. That's just mean and nasty.

@Isthisnothing jeez that's awful. How does your DH tolerate such behaviour? I hope you're ok now health wise.

Tbh I think it’s unreasonable to expect teenagers to really care or be interested in babies... They just aren’t.

And while I think that while a child kicking off because she was asked to stand with the buggy for a few minutes is extreme, I do think that babysitting should be something they want to do and not an expectation.

Every teenager is different and I have no doubt that there are some fourteen year olds who would like to babysit their siblings. But one who isn’t even interested I wouldn’t even consider.

@AlternativePerspective while I was having a moan because the thread topic struck a chord with me I do actually agree with you.

We have older stepkids and there is no way I would leave them with the baby, they don't like children. We do have a paid babysitter - she is sixteen and has adored our child since the day she was born. I would have been happy to let the SDs earn some money instead if they had been interested but they weren't.

@FourX he tries to encourage her to be nice, sometimes just handing her the child if he's carrying in the shopping or something. The day we went 'out' (we were actually just around the corner) while toddler was sleeping was a ploy to see if left alone she might behave differently. But DSD walked straight out of the house and wouldn't go back till we returned.

We/he obviously have tried many times to talk to her but she just tells us she doesn't like her and never will. She's pretty determined so I leave it alone now, she is entitled to her feelings. If toddler goes over to her reaching out, DSD will push her away. I tell her sharply not to be rough but I don't try to cajole her into holding her or being nice. I suspect being horrible to my daughter is her way of being loyal to her mother. Beyond understanding that however I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

@Isthisnothing please don't think I was having a go it just is such extreme behaviour. I feel for you. That isn't normal 14 yo behaviour to be so callous. Your poor baby has done nothing wrong and to be treated with such disregard by her older sister is heartbreaking for you all. I don't think there is much to do about it but try and protect your little girl as much as possible.

Thanks @FourX. Sorry to derail your thread!

What is your dsd like with the baby?

@Isthisnothing you've not derailed at all. I just wish I had a magic answer for you.

DSDs (I have two) are ok with him. They hold him (terrifies me as they are slight girls and he is heavy!) but aren't overly interested yet but are getting there. I do think it is because I'm around and DS clings to me though.

No. I wouldn't trust them.

14 is too young to be left with an 8 month old baby. Too much responsibility and unfair on her, apart from anything else. When she’s 16 and he’s 2.5/3? Completely different kettle of fish.

That isn't normal 14 yo behaviour to be so callous

The hospital incident was extreme, but if it comes on top of constant attempts to guilt and manipulate her into caring for the baby, I can see how she’d been backed into taking an extreme stance.

I bet the relatives wouldn’t persistently thrust a baby into the arms of an openly reluctant 14 year old boy.

I kind of admire her assertiveness
@HeddaGarbled are you for real?
I cannot think of one 14 year old I know who would treat a baby in that manner - it is extremely callous behaviour & imo this girl is either being let turn into a downright nasty individual, or has severe underlying issues that need to be addressed.

@FourX I think that sounds promising and I would wait a couple of years before babysitting becomes an option. I agree it could cause resentment if it happens too early. At this stage you want their brother to be fun rather than a task. If you wanted to start 'easing them in' I would only ask them to hang out with the baby while you are in another part of the house or nipping to the shop while baby is asleep.

@HeddaGarbled I agree it would be wrong to try to manipulate her into looking after or caring about the baby. But there is a vast difference between that and occasionally requesting a favour to help out.

I was making DSD lunch the day I asked her to hold the baby as I needed to turn the heat down on the stove and add some flavouring. I said to DSD "please take her there for a minute while I deal with this quickly, she's being a bit clingy" and popped her on her knee. I've had strangers ask more of me while standing in a queue. I had taken a few steps when baby burst out crying, DSD had shoved her onto the floor and was watching TV with her arms folded.

I don't expect DSD to love my daughter automatically or be interested in her but I do not think that it is normal. These are not isolated incidents, they are constant. She won't show her any kindness at all. She is not my daughter and it is not my job to delve deeper but I will not be keen to leave them alone together.

My daughter would be often handed to my nephew also, why would it be a gender thing?

@Isthisnothing What does your DH say? Your DSD sounds dreadful and your DH has truly failed her by letting her act in such a shocking way. I'd be asking him to see her outside the house. If she can't be civil toward her half sister then she shouldn't be there.

He can't really stop her though @BilbyBlue.

He tried in the earlier days to get some sort of fun going between them but it seemed to stress DSD out enormously. If she was forced to hold her sister she would hold her away from her body and cry. DSD isn't doing anything good or bad to her sister, she just doesn't want anything to do with her and won't discuss it, just says "it's fine" and clams up.

My daughter isn't old enough to really be aware yet but I've noticed she doesn't pay as much attention to DSD. It's sad but in a way I think let DSD come round to it all in her own time. I can't force interaction. I don't know how I will feel in a while when DD gets more communicative. I find it hard to not get upset and frankly I don't always succeed.

There was one incident when I had been very very sick from the chemo and was lying down getting some much needed rest - as it turned out I had severe pneumonia. (There were some very tough days, thankfully behind me now.) DP came and woke me apologising profusely but saying he had to go out for twenty mins and I needed to watch our DD. I got up feeling utterly wretched and could barely make it down the stairs to DD. Shortly after DP left I heard DSD moving about upstairs, I hadn't realised she was in our house at all. I was really upset and told him so loudly (she probably heard) when he got back. I was in tears saying he had to talk to her about mucking in during an emergency, I should have been allowed rest and she should have been asked to step up just this once and sit with our daughter. He looked close to tears himself and said he had tried but DSD immediately said it was not her responsibility and threatened to phone her mum to pick her up if he asked again.

So I feel powerless.

@Isthisnothing I don't want to add to your woes but honestly I don't think this behaviour is normal at all. Your dsd is being allowed dictate a family dynamic with your dd being used as the scapegoat. I have a 14 year old dd who's two younger half siblings (3 & 4) drive her to distraction at times, but she couldn't love them more. She has gotten very good at pointing out to her df & sm that she's happy to help out but that her db (my son) should he asked to do so also & that she's not always stepping in just because she's a girl , but she will help out in a heartbeat & would never behave that way especially in an emergency. In fact when her sm was in hospital last year both my two went over to help out their df a bit as he was working from home.
Don't get me wrong - my kids initially did struggle with their dad having more kids but they NEVER took it out on the kids themselves.
I would honestly be querying this behaviour & would not be letting it go.

I know I sound like I'm taking the lazy option and I quite likely am. I'm exhausted after the year I've had, I don't wanna argue with DP about it anymore. Plus DSD has not been back much since lockdown as she has been on numerous holidays and I'm insisting on her following quarantine rules before coming to our house.

She's not a bad kid, she is clearly being strongly influenced to not let us take advantage of her. Instead of getting into the battle I want to let it all unfold in a less stressful way.

Now I really have derailed this thread!

Step daughter or not, do not leave a baby with a kid!!! This is common sense.