Is this skirt too short? :-0

[Hettyispink]

I am becoming rather concerned about my DP and his DD, who is 14.

She is an only child and her parents relationship was toxic for many years - they are still in the throes of a bitter divorce - which has been delayed / strung out by her mother and consequently now going through court.

His DD refuses to have anything to do with me and my and my two children (13 & 18) because her Mum is upset about the divorce. This has caused a lot of tension in my relationship with him. He finds it hard to do things with me and my two kids.

I have been with my DP for two years, we don’t live together because of the difficult situation. Before anyone jumps to conclusions - no - I’m not the other woman. They were separated and living apart long before we met.

That’s the background and not the main reason for posting...

On several occasions I’ve picked up on some behaviour by his DD that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. When they are together, she is generally all over him, always holding hands or his arm when they are out and cuddling on the sofa - which yes, could just be closeness / clinginess due to the divorce. On the one occasion we tried to all meet up she got very annoyed when I held my DP’s arm - immediately getting stroppy and grabbing his other arm. She also deleted a load of playlists on Spotify that he’d made for me, because she was feeling jealous.

But sometimes it seems like she’s actually flirting with him.

Yesterday she texted him “Is this skirt too short? and then sent a video of herself posing in the bathroom with a VERY short skirt with a split in the side. And when I say posing, I mean exactly that. Her mother was in the house and she could have easily asked her opinion. It just felt really weird. He replied “yes” and thought it was funny.

I’m hoping that if I say nothing and just keep out of it things will just change gradually with time: divorce finalising, getting a boyfriend and her hormones settling down. But right now it’s tough going.

@Hettyispink what do you see as the future here? Is there a point where you and DP will move forward together?
I imagine this is very difficult for you and in many ways your DP sounds like my DH but he himself has admitted that we couldn't have worked if he had kept us seperate.
Do you want this situation long term? We

I'm afraid when I hear of men with monster exes, I wonder what created that monster. Presumably she was once stable enough that he chose to have a child with her. It's never all one way.

@zaffa a lot has improved in two years (believe it or not) and the forthcoming court cases and decree absolute should make a difference. It’s all just been so drawn out and unpleasant because DP’s Ex didn’t want the divorce at all. He’s not spoken to Cafcass yet - but it will be interesting to see what they make of the family dynamics.

Meanwhile I’m keeping out of it as much as possible. I hope that in 6-12 months more boundaries will have been set by court orders / clean break etc and the divorce will be complete. Only THEN can we get on with thinking about the future really.

I’m hoping that his Ex will eventually give up fighting and being vile, and that his daughter will mature.

@Alloverthegrapevine God - it’s awful. So much to say on this. Yes - she really is a monster. Numerous mutual friends have told me so. He married her out of sympathy over citizenship initially and then they ‘made a go of it’, spent large periods of time apart and had casual relationships (in theory their daughter isn’t aware of this). Basically it was an odd arrangement. Like I said earlier - they both set a very bad example. My DP eventually called time on it and she has behaved appallingly since and not accepted the divorce. It’s a mess.

@Alloverthegrapevine If he has had a hand in creating the monster it was by not bailing out far sooner and his lack of ability to stand up to her. I think her whole life nobody has stood up to her. That’s the problem.

In my experience, it was up to DH to change the dynamic. Only once he put boundaries in place ref his ex and moved to shutting down her influence over him and his mental health was he able to move forward. It involved counselling and a lot of soul searching and was a long process.

@Alloverthegrapevine out of curiosity is that the same position you take when a woman complains of her monster ex?

I love how people are saying that isnt weird. It is SO weird. I'd be worried.

Oh dear, OP, your attempts to explain really havent made him seem more of a catch. That was the basis of the relationship and yet he had a child with the woman? I expect that wasn't his fault either.

She sees you as competition for her dads affection and yes, it’s extremely weird and unhealthy. Your DP shouldn’t be encouraging it.

I’ve had something similar. My OH wouldn’t listen (It had been going on for circa 3 years) until it cumulated last summer (DSD was 14 at the time) my DSD sitting on her dads lap for 5 hours at a BBQ with her arms around his neck. You couldn’t peel her off him and it was making the group of adults we were sitting talking to uncomfortable (a couple asked me if she has any problems and what was going on). I was mortified. My OH wouldn’t discuss it.

I’d brought this sort of behaviour up on a few occasions and was accused of picking out on her and it usually resulted in an argument.

It took a very close friend of his with a daughter a similar age to point out that this wasn’t normal behaviour for a girl that age and it could be construed as something else.

I get that kids want their dads attention (and my OH gives lots of 1-2-1 time with the kids) and we are also really careful about being touchy feely in front of the kids.

However kids learn what is a normal healthy relationship from their parents and need boundaries.

The example you give is not healthy and needs addressing.

@NorthernSpirit
Thanks
It’s good to hear from someone else with similar experience who persevered. I will try to find the right way to tell him - might not come from me.

@Hettyispink in my case it took a close friend of his to point it out as not normal to get him to listen.

He might listen to someone who he isn’t so emotionally attached to (such as a friend with a daughter the same age).

This certainly helped in my case.

Good luck.