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Original poster

Birthday gifts

34 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 06/07/2020 17:28

I have live with dp and his two children and my own dds. Dd has a birthday coming up and my family usually buy her sibling a little gift as well. Dp is worried that his dc, who are with us on the day, will feel left out as they won’t get anything. He thinks to avoid this we should just do presents for the birthday girl. I’m a bit annoyed though because why should my dd miss out if she is used to getting gifts on her siblings birthday? I can’t expect family to buy for kids not biologically related to them!

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lunar1 · 06/07/2020 17:36

Can he buy his dc a gift of a similar value? I think as much as possible you need to treat the children the same when they are together.

I've never bought a sibling a gift on a child's birthday though so don't really know what value the gift would be.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 06/07/2020 17:38

He could do, but the problem is that quite a few family members do this, so he would have to buy quite a few gifts for his children. They are not high value usually, but it all adds up.

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user1493413286 · 06/07/2020 17:41

To be honest if my family were buying for both my children then they would also buy for my DSD. It will feel rubbish for your DPs children to not receive presents if both other children are.

RandomMess · 06/07/2020 17:42

Unless there is a huge gap between the two sets then you need to resolve it fairly.

I personally think it's a bit ridiculous that the birthday child doesn't get one day per year when it's all about them. It also seems extreme that most of your family but for both DC on each of their birthdays.

It needs to be a family rule that either they all get bought for or just the birthday child IMHO

Berthatydfil · 06/07/2020 17:42

I have never understood people who buy the siblings presents when it’s one child’s birthday.
Why can’t the birthday child have their own special day ?
Could this be time for this tradition to end. Birthday child only gets presents on their birthday - sorted.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 06/07/2020 17:43

They do this quite frequently so maybe I do need to say something. My dad bought all the kids Easter eggs, but made a point of getting my kids huge Easter eggs and small ones for the dsc. Dp has been getting upset, but I didn’t know if he was over reacting. After all we made the choice to blend the families and not the wider family.

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Moonshinemisses · 06/07/2020 17:47

Your step children live with you and should be treated the same by all family members. I would tell my family to either buy for all or not at all. Better still put a stop to the silly practice of buying others gifts because its their siblings birthday. A birthday is the one day of the year kids get to have that's all about celebrating them something they don't have to share with siblings.

caringcarer · 06/07/2020 17:47

I think it is mad to buy a birthday child's sibling a gift. They should wait for their own birthday. If you have three children do you buy all 3 kids every time one has a birthday? How will they ever understand they are not always centre of universe. Sometimes it is the turn of someone else to special. I would not allow my siblings to buy gifts for a nephew or niece just because one of their siblings had a birthday. They would all share birthday treat eg attending party or takeaway.

Fressia123 · 06/07/2020 17:49

How old are the children? It has happened in our household but quite frankly the kids barely notice.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 06/07/2020 17:50

Dp has a 10 and 12 year old and I have a 5 and 9 year old.

OP posts:
Spied · 06/07/2020 17:50

All kids in the household need to be treat the same.
It was actually really awful your df giving the huge eggs to your kids and token cheapies for the othersHmm

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 06/07/2020 17:53

I’d be really pissed off with my family if they bought gifts for my DC but not the DSC. Or bought what were obviously two tier Easter eggs. It’s not fair.

DH was really angry at his mother and siblings when they didn’t get anything for my DS for Christmas but got the DSC loads.

And I agree with everyone else that I don’t understand why other people need to get gifts on someone’s birthday. I’d tell my family to only buy for the birthday child - all of them. And explain the your other DD that it’s just not her birthday so she doesn’t need presents.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 06/07/2020 17:57

Pretty shoddy that a dc can't have 1 day all to themselves imo.
A friend of mine gave her dc exactly the same - even when 1 lost a tooth the other dc got a pound!!
The dc hate each other as adults...

Itsjustabitofbanter · 06/07/2020 18:00

Yeh, out of order for the birthday child not to have a single day in the year where they’re allowed to feel special. And really fucking nasty for your family to be treating the children differently. It doesn’t even cross my mind to treat step children as second class citizens

peekaboob · 06/07/2020 18:02

Which child is it that has the birthday? If it's the 5 year old then the 9 year old is definitely old enough to be told that this year and going forward birthdays are for the birthday child only.
How often do your family see the SC? If it's as often as they do your DC then they should be treated the same when it comes to value IF your DPs family do the same.
If they see them once or twice a year then I wouldn't worry about treating the same. With the exception of the 5 year old they are old enough to be told that bio grandparents may treat you different to step grandparents (and I come from a place where my DP expected my mum to pay for him and his DC to go to Disney when she sees him once a year (so has met him 6 times) yet DPs mum doesn't treat our DD as well as DPs child Hmm)

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 06/07/2020 18:08

After all we made the choice to blend the families and not the wider family.

Would you be ok if you had another child and they just decided not to bother with him/her? After all, you made the choice, not the wider family.

Your family composition has changed. Your family just need to accept that. And if they’re willing to marginalise a 10 and 12 year old because they’re ‘only’ your partner’s kids, then they’re just arseholes.

aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2020 18:16

I agree with you 100% that you can't expect your family to buy presents for the other kids. However I'm another one who doesn't like the tradition of buying siblings presents on someone's birthday. I think the birthday child should get to have that one special day to themselves, and conversely should learn to accept other children having theirs. I think if it's the 9 year old's birthday and the 5 year old who will "lose out", it's a good age to phase it out anyway. If it were me I think I would politely message the family members who do this and ask them just to bring for the birthday child to keep the peace with all the kids, and because you're trying to manage your other child's expectations this year anyway. I don't think you can ask them to buy for everyone, but you can ask them to only buy for one.

Wearywithteens · 06/07/2020 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Magda72 · 06/07/2020 18:42

What @aSofaNearYou said. I agree you can't expect your family to always buy for sdc but you can ask them to stop buying for your dd2. Like most others I think it's very unfair on the person whose birthday it is not to have that one day where they alone are treated.

Songbird232018 · 06/07/2020 23:30

I'd say yes stop the sibling gifts on birthday as this will just lead to drama later down the line, however your DP cannot expect your family to treat his children the same as yours in terms of gifts?

My parents always give my partners children £10 every birthday and Christmas and a egg at Easter but my biological son gets much much more.

That's just Normal, I assume your step children have grandparents / uncles /aunts on their mum and dads side to spoil them?

SandyY2K · 06/07/2020 23:48

It's unreasonable to expect grandparents and other relatives to treat children who aren't related to them,a they would their GC/niece and nephews.

I wouldn't expect a GC to spend the same on a Christmas gift for a SC.

Having said that, I don't see the need for the other sibling to get a gift when it's not their birthday, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them to stop buying the gifts.

Smallsteps88 · 06/07/2020 23:57

I think it’s weird that all your family buy the sibling gifts for one girl’s birthday.

Having said that there is no way my family, if they were the sort to buy sibling gifts- would leave step siblings out.

But personally I’d stop the sibling gifts. That’s bonkers. Children need to learn that it’s not always about them.

dontdisturbmenow · 07/07/2020 07:37

I don't get the concept of buying presents for siblings on one's birthday. How about teaching them to rehearse someone else special day? What is ice is encouraging them way to buy a little present for the sibling with their pocket money to teach them the pleasure in giving.

To be fair, if you SCs have never known it before, they are unlikely to be phased and if anything old enough to realise it's quite poor practice.

SD1978 · 07/07/2020 08:27

Does his kids get presents from the dads family, the mums family, and he would like equal presents from your family? Do his parents buy your children equal gifts in size? I'm not a huge fan of everyone gets a present- especially as your kids are old enough to understand it's not everyone's birthday.

sassbott · 07/07/2020 22:12

The Easter eggs would have been understandable if your SC were much younger than your DC (I buy eggs based on age related choc consumption...i wouldn’t buy my DP’s DC the same eggs as I buy my lot because of the age difference and everyone understands that (including the children).

But if the younger children had gotten bigger eggs than the older children? Yeah. That would annoy me.

Re the birthdays? I have always ensured that any other child (family members especially) have a little something to open. Nowhere near the level of the birthday child, but a small token gift so they have something to open. It could be as small as their favourite magazine/ small lego set/ cards that they’re collecting.

It’s just to let them know that they’ve been thought about too. I’ve done that for my DC’s siblings, my DP’s DC and even wider cousins (on both sides who may be around). It’s about the thought IMO and making everyone feel special.

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