Is their an age they want to visit less?

[Woodmarsh]

OH and I are having initial conversations about moving house and what we will need in the way of space. He currently has his kids one night a week and I'm wondering if there is a rough age that kids become less interested in visiting because they want to sleep over at friends etc?

Just another thing to consider in the already long list

My daughter is almost 14 and far less interested in going to her dad's now, it's once a month if that. She does go for the odd school holiday week though as well. She'd rather be home doing stuff with mates. But her dad does live 2.5 hrs away, so when she goes she feels like she's a far way from her friends, which is probably a factor. I'm just led by her - she goes when she tells me she wants to and I don't force the issue if she doesn't want to.

If you didnt want to live with kids it was a bit daft to marry someone who had them.

There's always a possibility that children need to live with another parent. Him not seeing his children much doesn't mean he won't ever ever to step up and become the main carer.

Disability, sickness and death can happen to anyone.

You say he's aware you don't want his children living with you. Does he plan to have you move out or him move out if his children need to be with him fulltime? Dds year group has sadly had two mums pass away before they'd left primary school. It happens.

@Willyoujustbequiet we aren't married

@EatShitForChristmas no idea

@Woodmarsh i feel like you have a bit of a fundamental misunderstanding of what it is to be a parent. Even if the children refused to come to you for months their father will ensure that there is room for them until they are completely self-sufficient if he's a decent father. If stuff goes wrong in their life such that they lose their home and need somewhere to stay this is likely to be with you, even when they are adults. Children aren't something that parents tolerate for as little time as possible and then wash their hands off as soon as they can get away with it. Your partner will be a parent for life and will always feel a responsibility towards his children if he is a decent man. You need to be able to accept this if you are to be happy together.

I am saying this as a SM with none of my own children and no desire to have them.

At 28 after a relationship break up my dd moved back home temporarily..
My dh didn't run for the hills.
Is it dc you have an aversion to or just his offspring in particular?

How old are the children now?

I think given how you feel about the idea of his kids living or staying with you you should seriously reconsider this house move.

There are so many situations in which they might need to live with it stay with their dad for periods of time.

My SC's lived with us half the time until they went to University. Were still coming on holiday with us too.
They don't have their own room anymore in our house (they're mid 20's) but would be welcome to stay for as long as they needed to if they wanted to use the spare room.
Kids, however old they are are still part of your family.

To be clear we aren't moving anywhere yet, we currently have a house together, the kids are young and share a room dedicated to them currently.

If/when we move we were just discussing what we need in a new house. There will always be a bed for them but potentially not a dedicated use bedroom when they are older iyswim

If it's just bed that you provide in the future, it can make them feel like a guest, rather than having their own space. That in itself could be a reason they don't want to come.

I know my DNs like having their own space in both their parents homes. If they didn't have their own rooms, they wouldn't sleep over and are less likely to go there.

A lot of this also depends on the quality of relationship a child has with their dad.

Quite often, even when the couple are together, the dad's involvement in family life and how much he actually takes an interest in his children...knowing their personalities etc is questionable. You just have to see the numerous threads on MN where this is the case.

This can be masked when a couple are together and the mums active involvement covers his lack of involvement with the kids, but when they separate, it becomes more obvious dad doesn't know them that well and doesn't have a lot to say to them.

DSS used to come around 50% until he was about 12. This is reduced to 2 or sometimes 3 nights until he was about 14, and since then, one night or occasionally 2, but those will always be at the weekend now because he doesn't like coming and going constantly which is fair enough. He is 16 now. I think one night or less is very broadly typical at 16+ unless of course the child decides to move in.

I would generally work to any dc either step or your own, moving in and out of home until the age of about 25 these days! However IMO, if a child is late teens or older and has maintained an obvious permanent residence with one parent, I wouldn't feel the need or think it justifed to hold a room or multiple rooms open until then! I would make sure I had a space to accomodate them (e.g. a general spare room) with a bit of rejigging if they did stay for any amount of time but I don't think having their own room full of things would be justified for occasional use.

Just to add, DSS has always had his own room in our house and still does. Younger dc share a room. So in our case he didn't reduce stay overs due to lack of space/privacy, it just happened anyway.

My DSDs are 20 and 16. They still stay with us 3 nights a week. I don’t think you can expect them not to until they move out and into their own place.