Comparison - baby DC and DSC

[BoredofHearingAboutIt]

Does any one else get this?

And yes I'm being precious but I'm getting sick of hearing when DSC were little. DSC did this. DSC did that. Me and ex did this and me and ex did that.

We're different people. It's a different child. It's a different time. Advice is different. Argh!!! Please tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this. I get trying to be helpful but he simply isn't in any way atm generally and then adding what he did in the past with his ex and first two children is just winding me up.

@funinthesun I get that if it was constant it would be really annoying, but equally OP has to understand that she chose to have a child with someone who has already been through it. If I got pregnant with a man who didn't have children and he wasn't happy about me discussing my previous experience then I'm not sure I'd be happy to keep him. Most people who are objecting are conflating his parenting experience with the ex wife, which really seems to be the OPs issue too. Btw OP I don't mean that as an attack against you, more trying to put a different angle on where your DP is coming from.

Maybe I've just lost all my capacity to entertain all the stupid things MN users expect you to put up with when you're in a "second family", but I just wouldn't put up with this. I let it slide a bit from DPs family, but he is your partner, he should understand perfectly well that you don't want him to keep referencing his "happy family" with his ex and it is going to dampen your experience. There's no reason to be defensive about that, it's just not enjoyable hearing about someone's relationship with their ex all the time. He is being insensitive.

My partner will mention something to do with how things were when his son was a baby maybe once every few months, but when it is somewhat necessary, such as if I'd said I was confused or torn about how to approach something with DD and asked what his thoughts were. He certainly wouldn't be lording anything over me and he wouldn't be so insensitive to keep vocalising comparisons.

@BoredofHearingAboutIt

I have spoken to him calmly about it. He knows it grates on me. I'm not asking him never to mention them but not a conversation about DC goes by where a comparison isn't made. It is upsetting. He just doesn't want to spend time with him at the moment as DS is "boring".

@solomummy I don't quite understand the reference points? We do, of course, talk about his children. I probably am insecure 🤷 but I don't see why I should have to accept his and his ex's way of parenting when it goes against how I want to parent. I can listen and still disagree. They left their babies to cry it out. I don't wish to do that. I don't need to hear more than once why it is better than how I deal with things. And what am I reigning in exactly?

If you were both ftp you'd still disagree but be able to revisit issues you have different opinions on.

Your opinion doesn't trump his. You alone cannot dictate what happens with this child.

For example, if he really want to cio, then he can still do that,if he does the "leg work".

Just because things had a different focus previously doesn't make current trends necessarily better.

You need to reconcile that he has a whole history which was pleasant and accept this. Rather than getting eaten up with what sounds like jealousy.

Do you have a significant age gap?

Thanks for understanding @AnneLovesGilbert and @Laaf80 I have a relationship with IL just not wider family.

I'm not claiming to know best. I'm a FTM I get through each stage with advice from him, family and friends. Sometimes his advice is against new guidelines and I tell him. Just like how my mum tells me to make up all the bottles at the start of the day. It's now against guidelines and I tell her. It's not invalidating the parenting imo but I respect that it is in yours.

The above is kind of derailing my initial point of the comparison issues.

I encourage bonds between DP and DS and DSC and DS. I have no reason to want to alienate them. They are family.

No significant age gap. He had children young.

I'm going to defend myself here because people feel differently about CIO. I can't sit and listen to my child crying because he feels it is best. DS was crying last night. He did nothing...ok he has decided to CIO. I went upstairs to him and he was stuck on his tummy and distressed. I rolled him back over. All is well. CIO works for some people. It pulls on my heartstrings. If he wants to do that when I'm not around I won't even know about it. But when I am around I can't listen to my baby distressed. Should I?

I do 99% of the leg work of looking after DS. So I do what works for me and for DS. He is welcome to take over but he doesn't want too but he does want to tell me why I'm wrong in what I'm doing because his ex did it differently. But yes I'm insanely jealous and bitter

How is he with your step children now?

You need to reconcile that he has a whole history which was pleasant and accept this.

Tbh I just think this is the kind of thing insensitive people say to make everything the other person's problem. I have a history, parts of which were pleasant too, but when me and my partner have an issue to resolve and I am drawing from my past experience with an ex I don't mention that fact, because as much as that past exists I recognise it's not something he will enjoy hearing about. There's no reason to say "I think we should do x because that's how I resolved this situation with my ex" when you could just say "I think this is the best thing to do". Having a past that is pleasant doesn't stop it from being an insensitive thing to constantly mention to your current partner.

It's a mixed bag with his children. The eldest is much more relaxed and just goes with the flow. The youngest blows hot and cold. Otherwise he has a normal relationship with them but I do think he could do more with them.

You need to reconcile that he has a whole history which was pleasant and accept this

Accepting it doesn't mean being happy to hear all about it.

Dp did this a couple of times and I politely told him I didn't care about how his exs pregnancy went. It bared no relevance to me.

We had the usual comparisons of "ooh he looks like DSS" when Ds was born and he does their baby photos are identical. That doesn't bother me, but dp has never compared the two kids on how they were as babies or what worked etc.

It's not about being jealous or insecure it's about not wanting you or your child continuously compared to someone else.

Most people who are objecting are conflating his parenting experience with the ex wife, which really seems to be the OPs issue too.

I can see why though. To be fair, the op probably isn’t really interested in hearing about the details of things like the ex wife’s birthing experience and all of the intimate lovely times together as they got in to the swing of things with a new baby. The op wants her own experience as a new mum and having a baby is soooo much different for a woman than it is for a man. A lot more emotions involved etc.

I think its important to remember that people will often say things to show themselves in a good light, particularly around something that is important to us. Dh went on at length in our antenatal class about how hands on he was with DSS, details of the birth and early days etc, to the point I actually found it really embarrassing although the facilitator really fed into it IMO. In actuality DH was awful for the first 8 months, refusing get involved in any part of parenting that didnt involve him holding DD for 10 mins for FB photo. Of course all I had heard from his family was how ex had stopped him being a dad, how he'd been pushed out by her family etc which was clearly crap. Now I dont listen to any of it. Unless your partner is going to step up and do 50% of the parenting then he doesn't get an equal say just because he was there for a shag on the date of conception. Parenting is about responsibility not asserting rights. I couldn't give a monkey's left nut what ex did or what DSS did at what age because DD is an individual who is also part of me. DSS is great an older teen now so things have changed a lot

@BoredofHearingAboutIt

I have spoken to him calmly about it. He knows it grates on me. I'm not asking him never to mention them but not a conversation about DC goes by where a comparison isn't made. It is upsetting. He just doesn't want to spend time with him at the moment as DS is "boring".

@solomummy I don't quite understand the reference points? We do, of course, talk about his children. I probably am insecure 🤷 but I don't see why I should have to accept his and his ex's way of parenting when it goes against how I want to parent. I can listen and still disagree. They left their babies to cry it out. I don't wish to do that. I don't need to hear more than once why it is better than how I deal with things. And what am I reigning in exactly?

You need to stop thinking of his as "his and his exes way of parenting" and realise that was his way of parenting. You two now need to discuss and decide on a joint way of parenting.

Just as you don't think he should be totally over-ruling you with his way of parenting you shouldn't be totally over-ruling him either.

You need to find a joint path that works together for your joint child.

It isn't a fair comparison to say that as a mum compares and uses her points of reference from other children this is somehow not a problem. This is apples and oranges.

I am assuming you have no issue with him talking about his memories of when his kids were little.

If he is comparing how YOU are parenting with how he and his ex did it when they had their babies then that needs to stop. It is undermining and disempowering.

If it is a problem for you it is automatically a problem for the couple.

I’m a bit on the fence about this. I had this with DH and it did annoy me at first, I felt exactly the same as you. Some of the things they did were actually pretty good ideas but obviously I wanted to find my own way and not copy his ex. It was also quite a long time ago and indeed different times and ideas on some things.

Having said that, now my children are older, I can totally see where he was coming from. Most discussions about children with friends involve everyone saying what they did or they do with their DC or telling stories about a similar issue they had.

I have also learnt so much from having my own children I couldn’t imagine having to pretend I didn’t develop in that way and start from ground zero with a new partner who didn’t have children before.

I think it’s an element of insecurity coupled with some slight irritation that this isn’t a first you are experiencing together and his constant comments are a reminder of that.

The very fact that he hasn’t bothered to brush up on latest NHS guidance when he’s becoming a dad for the 3rd time suggests there were valid reasons why the ex broke up with him (and one of his kids blows hot and cold). Men tend to bullshit a lot to their new partners regarding how they used to parent their non-resident kids, but the truth is if he really was engaged they would be with him 50:50.

Just tell him where to go when he goes off on a tangent you feel uncomfortable with.

Having said that, now my children are older, I can totally see where he was coming from. Most discussions about children with friends involve everyone saying what they did or they do with their DC or telling stories about a similar issue they had.

I think that’s totally different because no matter what friends did, it doesn’t impact on your own experience whatsoever. You don’t feel like you have to go along and do what they did with their firstborn and hearing about their lovely firstborn experiences doesn’t make you feel like your first born is somehow your second born just because your best friend had a child before you did.

DH was awful for the first 8 months, refusing get involved in any part of parenting that didnt involve him holding DD for 10 mins for FB photo.

There's a lot of truth in this, although many second wives/partners rather paint the ex as mean and nasty....the truth is their partner is pretty lazy and hasn't changed much from the first marriage.

I can understand how being compared to the Ex would be annoying and it'sreally unhelpful....but making comments from his own parenting experience is a
natural thing to do.

Although a lot of men are bodily present...how much of the parenting did he actually do.