Tell me what you like about being a stepmum

[C1239]

Just that really, there isn’t much positivity around stepparenting... let’s focus on the positives! What do you like about being a stepparent? Are you proud of the stepparent you have become?

I have both my late husband's daughter (22) and my husband's daughter (13).

Oldest was in lots of ways my first child (BM isn't involved) and as somebody who adored children, I loved her so much. I still love her so much, but these days she's less like my daughter and more like a niece I'm very close with. I love getting to watch her grow into an amazing young woman that I get to talk about a range of things with, get spa dates and shopping trips with. It's like having an inbuilt friend. She keeps me young in many ways, and knowing I had a hand in that warms me inside.

Youngest sd, I struggle with a bit when it comes to bonding, mainly because I have my own daughter the same age and she has her own mum. She enjoys the same sports that I do (horse riding and figure skating) and I enjoy taking her and watching her try them. On occasion she has accompanied me and Dd13 to a horse show and been a great helping hand, and I enjoy seeing the joy in her hand when she ribbons in an inhand class, or when the shows have gymkana classes she can get involved in. In an ideal world, I would've liked to train her up enough to ride in actual classes, because when you have 10 show horses like I do an extra butt never hurts, but because we only have her every 2-3 weeks and even then I can't take her every time, it's unlikely.

My step daughters welcomed me with open arms they love and adore me think I'm cooler than their parents!
My own daughter has sisters she wanted that as she only had a brother.
We get the best of all the worlds, all the kids together playing, laughing (they actually rarely fall out even the two youngest) the big family meals, movie nights, over the park playing rounders, family game day, then we get the time of just us.
We had them for homeschooling and that has created an amazing bond between us all, it'll almost be a shame for them to go back to school.

Yes their mum isn't exactly over the moon that her marriage didn't work out and there has been some resistance to some things, but she has accepted that people move on and wanted to move on as well, so I don't get bad mouthed to the kids.
Reading on here is so depressing, I've found alot of the advice is not really realistic.
Things really settled down between us all when I stopped and just did what came naturally.
Myself and my partners ex will never be friends.
My partner and my ex will never be friends.
Even after a court case, we have settled and adjusted amazingly well.
It can be done, and we are having an amazing time.

@Ladyconstance

Personally I can see very little positive in being a step parent, especially a step mother. I think this is mainly because of dad’s attitudes, usually motivated by guilt. I’ve been a step mother for 18 months and have known the stepkids for 3 years. They’re now 10 and 13. Their mum died over 4 years ago. Dad can’t bear to set boundaries, show them how to do stuff, have nice manners. I have an adoptive family as my own mum was abusive so I really do get how it feels to have an empty space when your own mum isn’t there for whatever reason. I love and care for my stepkids as I would for any children but I’m also realistic that my input is not welcomed or appreciated. Nothing could be sadder to me than watching these kids grow up with few values about kindness, gratitude, sharing, being a team. It wasn’t how I was with my adoptive mother or my own adult child. Fortunately for me, it’s my third marriage after being widowed and I’m older and more realistic about life/relationships/people. I’m present and involved at home but I make sure I live my life on my terms and with my own interests as well. That means doing things away from the step family set up to keep my sanity. Maybe things will turn out ok in the long term, when DSKs are adults. Till then, I feel it’s a sad and thankless situation. Sorry to have no positives to report!

This is spot on

@Ladyconstance you have summed the situation up perfectly.

Add into the mix a bitter EW and the situation only becomes worse.

Truth to be said: NOTHING!

Its bloody difficult at times but it’s nice to have someone there to join in with taking the piss out of DH and to use as an excuse to buy nice new stationery every August

On a more serious note, I don’t have or want kids of my own but I love DSD and it’s been been so nice seeing her grow from the little girl I first met to an adult who’ll be starting university next month.

Nothing. I was so naive when I started out as a SM. You stupidly think everyone in the situation is open minded and flexible like you. That everyone has a vested interest, the childrens well being. But it’s crap! People are jealous, bitter and sadly point score. You try and you try but you never measure up. You feel a failure, you fear at times for your mental health. By then it’s too late?!? You’ve fallen in love, you have a mortgage, you’ve have shared children. Now you really don’t have a choice, you must make it work. But you’ll never be excepted and one day the penny will drop, all the shit you’ve put up, you’ll snap, start putting yourself first. Flick the bird to the in-laws who always criticised, shout kiss my arse to the ExW who treated you like something on the bottom of her shoe and ignore the SC who never respected you in your own home. Being a SM has taught me resilience and to never jump into any situation thinking people are reasonable human beings.

Very little. Awful to say but I feel like it's a horrible price to pay in order to be with DH. They come as a package but there are many times when I honestly think we will have to break up I simply do not want to be a step-mum to these kids and have them in my house half the time. I think I would feel differently if I didn't feel so used but I basically feel like a cash cow responsible for housing these kids and I really resent it.

This worries me for my future. Im not a step mother yet but my dp has a child and already im not allowed to meet them even though we been together almost 2 years and live together. Everything is always about the exs feelings and not hurting her feelings even though she desperately wants dp back and is trying to worm her way in so there will never be a happy relationship between us. Idk how to even act if i ever do get to meet dc and this thread aort of sums up how i feel. Im very laid back and open but honestly if dcs parents arent i dont know how we can work it out.

I would advise any potential SM to get out of the relationship ASAP. It’s a massive gamble. It started off so well for us but you can never ever rely on an exW being subjective. My life was held to ransom for so long and then I really did snap and thankfully my DH put me first before his child. And rightfully so that point. All BMs ever talk about or care about are their kids! They will argue till their blue in the face that their kids come first. Don’t think for one minute that she will give a shit about you. She won’t.

@Witchymclovely I've had a very similar experience and I'm envious of SM who have it easy.
It was great for us at first and I adored my SS and treated him like my own until his mother started demanding more money, told him we wouldn't give it her and stopped contact completely. Without going into too much detail we always paid maintenance, bought clothes, shoes, coats, school trips etc and when we fetched him every other weekend always had to take him places that cost lots of money or he wouldn't come. Also we weren't allowed any involvement in his upbringing, schooling or discipline (little things like make his bed and put his washing in the wash basket when he was with us) which was then unfair on the children we have living with us.
Now 4years later he hates us, won't speak to us and his mum says she won't encourage a relationship.
I don't ever think it's the child's fault it's the ex who causes the problems, kids learn from their resident parent which in most cases is the mum, not always.

I wouldn't advise people to not get involved with someone with kids but I'd advise to go in with your eyes wide open and set out your stall from day 1 don't let anyone dictate.
I'm so grateful to my children's SM and have never ever given her grief or my ex as there is no need, I admit I don't like sharing my children but they love her and she loves them so what more could I ask for.
Some mothers need to remember that the kids on innocent in all of this ❤️

Being excited for DSD doing things such as learning to drive, moving out of home, going away on holiday with friends and just generally enjoying being a young adult without the (my) anxiety and stress I know will be present when my DDs experience the same.

Very little to be honest. I don't really see it as some amazing thing that benefits my life in any real way. I'm a step mother because I want to be with my husband, it's something I do in order to be with him.

Doesn't mean I'm unkind or don't have fun with the kids but it's not something I'd really miss to be perfectly honest.

@RyanBergarasTeeth

This worries me for my future. Im not a step mother yet but my dp has a child and already im not allowed to meet them even though we been together almost 2 years and live together. Everything is always about the exs feelings and not hurting her feelings even though she desperately wants dp back and is trying to worm her way in so there will never be a happy relationship between us. Idk how to even act if i ever do get to meet dc and this thread aort of sums up how i feel. Im very laid back and open but honestly if dcs parents arent i dont know how we can work it out.

That is never going to work sorry to say.

Why does your partner bow down to his ex so much? His child is his child, he doesn't need his exes permission to introduce you. I don't see how your relationship could ever move forward to the next stages if this carries on.

Their relationship with my own child who was an old child previously. Seeing them laugh together and miss each other and run to hug each other is beautiful.

Seeing the very slow changes of our parenting towards them, giving stability and routine and seeing how much their behaviour changes due to this for the better.
Challenging but very very rewarding.

Having someone else’s child tell me they love me and give me a hug without them being prompted to.

*only child previously

@RyanBergarasTeeth

This worries me for my future. Im not a step mother yet but my dp has a child and already im not allowed to meet them even though we been together almost 2 years and live together. Everything is always about the exs feelings and not hurting her feelings even though she desperately wants dp back and is trying to worm her way in so there will never be a happy relationship between us. Idk how to even act if i ever do get to meet dc and this thread aort of sums up how i feel. Im very laid back and open but honestly if dcs parents arent i dont know how we can work it out.

You don’t need her permission to meet your partners children. How your partner parents on his time is his business, not hers.

I love my DSS he is a lovely man, I prefer things now he is an adult as his mum has been quite difficult over the years, but I've always been a constant to him and never got involved in his mum and dads disagreements. He recently asked me to read at his wedding, I am so chuffed! Wedding postponed but I can't wait.