Exhausted!

[Hariboballs]

Step parenting DSD at the moment is exhausting. She’s 10, CONSTANTLY seems to be in wind up mode, if you so much as change your tone if she needs reprimanding she says she wants to go back to her mums and will never come here again.

OH regularly has to spoon feed her meals, she constantly interrupts conversations, does not take it well when other people are receiving praise. Anything they can do she can do better. She really downplays her siblings/cousins achievements and at times will make comments to make them feel stupid.

She demands that her dad is at her beck and call. She will shout ‘dad’ from upstairs and then say ‘come’ as if it’s a command! And of course he goes everytime.

She will often wake up at 5am and come into bed with us, waking her 1 YO sister who is still in our room in the process. This happens on average 4x per week. I wouldn’t mind at a later time. I ask her to go back to bed but she refuses and by that point DD is wide awake.

She was in the bath the other night and I asked her to wash her hair while I settled DD’s into bed. She flipped out, started crying and OH had to come and do it for her.

OH doesn’t help matters at all, he goes along with it. I think she has confidence and self esteem issues which we really need to work on - I think making her a bit more independent would help massively but OH seems intent on STILL treating her like a baby.

She’s really quite exhausting. I’m trying to homeschool her and her sister (6) at the moment and it’s just exhausting. She will constantly put down DD’s work or tell her she’s doing it all wrong and upset her. It then takes me ages to talk DD down and encourage her to do some work all the while DSD is also vying for my attention and other DD has free reign of the living room and is trashing the place!
I feel like I can’t have a conversation with OH without DSD listening in and/or interrupting. It’s driving me mad!! She’s still awake now as OH has let her sit up and watch his iPad. She’s been going to bed when we’re going to bed and you can guarantee that we’ll have a battle to get her into her own bed when we do go up.

We’re getting absolutely no time to have an adult conversation or even an hour to watch TV. I just wish he would work with me to help DSD. I feel as though he’s hindering progress by allowing this behaviour from her.

Can I ask if you have her full time?

@aSofaNearYou we have her 50/50.

You don’t have a DSD problem, you have a DH problem.

Have you talked about her behaviours and his responses? How things could change?

It possible she is unsettled by the new baby but that wouldn’t account for everything. Can your DH have some regular 1:1 time with her?

More generally, can he do all the parenting of her and her sister when she is staying? You must have your hands full enough with a one yo.

How long has he been spoon feeding a 10 yo?

Did it start when baby came or before that?

I know it’s more of an issue with DH than DSD. She has always been like this. He’s regularly had to spoon feed her since I can remember. He does get 1:1 time with him, she’ll get more 1:1 time with him than our other DDs do for sure but it’s difficult with his work at the moment so the lion’s share falls to me (always has done to be honest)

I’ve tried talking to him about it and he thinks that he’s helping her by responding like this but he’s doing the opposite 😬

DH problem. All behaviour is communication. She has incredibly low self esteem and only her Dad can sort that out really. You're doing enough already

Yup, but that’s not really good enough is it? He needs to parent properly, acknowledge there are some things that are not working and find some meaningful solutions.

10yos are still doing a lot of growing and still need structure as well as reassurance.

As Stormbaby says, you’re doing enough already.

Where’s her mum in all this?

Write him a letter about what is abnormal for a 10 year old. Make it start with I love her very much and am concerned for her wellbeing and independence. I am particularly concerned what she’ll be like at high school age. Suggest in the letter about getting professional help for her. Paint a picture of what that could be like. Do not make it about your struggles or the other children.

I’m not sure he’d listen to be honest. He’s always felt huge guilt that himself and her mum split when she was still a tiny baby.

I don’t really have much to do with her mum. Her and DH sort contact between themselves and are civil with each other. There’s never really been cross words between them in the 9 years we’ve been together. She has no other siblings at her mum’s house. I know her mum does struggle with her behaviour at times as DH will mention to me that she’s been struggling with her but I’m not sure exactly what behaviour she’s struggling with.

It took an hour of DH sitting on her bedroom floor to get her to sleep last night and then she was awake at 5am (the baby also wakes regularly) so we’re all running on very little sleep and patience is starting to wear thin.

I’ve tried explaining to him that allowing this behaviour isn’t helping her. He thinks he’s nurturing her but he really isn’t. In a way it’s allowing her to exert control over her/us. He took DSD out for a walk earlier this morning to give me a ‘break’ (but left me with the youngest 2 🤣) but was back within 10 minutes because she’d thrown a wobbler and refused to walk any further. He then went back outside to do some work.

What a shit father. How do you see this progressing, since he sees no reason to change?

@Electrical, honestly? I’m about ready to move out and leave him to it.

Jesus. This sounds absolutely terrible. A 10 year old (frankly) is absolutely ruling this household. And he thinks he is doing his best?

By 10 a child is more than capable of washing themselves. I’d Also suggest that this child could be on the cusp of puberty and it’s highly inappropriate that her father needs to ‘takeover’ hair washing when she’s in the bath. There is fine boundary here between him starting to give / enforce healthy physical boundaries, whilst still reassuring her emotionally.

Spoon feeding? Sitting on her floor for an hour to make her go to bed? And he’s normalising all of this? Not just normalising but thinking this is nurturing of him?

It’s terrible parenting. And the youngest children are watching all of this and will be modelling their own behaviours based on what they see this child get away with. Not to mention that control is exceptionally powerful for a child, this is not going to get remotely better but worse as this child becomes more cognizant of the power they have.

You have a DH problem and I would not be allowing this dynamic to settle one bit. Does he genuinely not see any problem with spoon feeding a 10 year old child?

OP, did he actually say he was taking DSD to “give you a break?” If so, he is a prize winning twat for the following reasons:

• he knows perfectly well that normal humans would need a break from her because her behaviour is so draining and out of control
• he think that it’s for him to deign to give you a break from his child
• he thought you needed a break then left you with a tantruming DSD and the other two and fucked off regardless because he couldn’t handle the behaviour of his own child
• it’s not really much a break to be left in charge of two young children anyway

What everyone else said. But also, when she wakes you up at 5am, nudge your H and tell him to take her downstairs (along with the baby if she’s woken her too). My DPs DD used to come in and wake us up, he’d plonk her in between us, roll over and go back to sleep, leaving me wide awake with her chatting away. In the end I said no more, if she comes in, you take her downstairs and snuggle up on the sofa together. My sleep is not negotiable!

Regarding the bed thing. Go sleep in her bed. Leave dh with both the dc in your room.
I have no words for the spoon feeding thing op...

Spoon feeding a 10 year old?
Bathing her? Putting her to bed?
She'll be in high school in a year or so, is her useless father ever going to equip her for life?
Low self esteem my arse, manipulative little madame more like!
Time for some boundaries or tell DH you're off!

Your h is a massive twat. I'd be moving out too

Dsd must have massive friendship problems if she acted half as bad as you describe.

DD(1) has choked on one of DSD’s dolls shoes that she’s left out this afternoon.

I’ve told her and emphasised how important it is that small toys, items etc are tidied away. I had to slap her hard on the back to get it out and she had started to go blue. So yes, I’ve shouted at DSD this afternoon. She’s gone upstairs, screaming, swearing and demanding to be taken back to her mum’s house. DH told me we will work through things on a ‘case by case’ basis and told me that I’d overreacted. Well your 1 YO has nearly choked to death because your 10 YO was too lazy to put her toys away and I’ve had to administer first aid and have never been so frightened in my life. I know kids leave toys lying around, they aren’t perfect and I don’t expect them to be so maybe I shouldn’t have shouted at her.
I don’t know.

I do genuinely think it’s a self esteem thing. She has this need to be the best at everything and struggles when others are praised. As far as I’m aware, school have no issues with her. I quite think that she just plays DH up when she’s here because she knows she can.

Give her what she wants, in the car straight back to her mum.
Stop letting her rule your family.

Oh wow OP, that must have been terrifying. Is your DD OK now?

You did not overreact.

And since when did 10 year olds know swear words, let alone use them with impunity.

Your DH needs to get a grip on reality. No one is benefiting from his approach right now.

What's the behaviour of the 6 year old like?

What would happen if he just refused to spoon feed her?

Is she the same at her mum's or at school?

I don’t think you overreacted, but I do think you need to go and talk to her about what has just happened. Does she have form for not tidying away even though you’ve asked her to? If so then I would say that nothing small enough for the baby to choke on is allowed in the living room now. If she’s normally quite good at doing this (which I’m assuming for your original post she probably isn’t) then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I have a much younger sister, if she’d choked on a toy that I’d left out I’d have been absolutely sick with guilt. I would go and talk to her and explain that you shouted because you were angry but also very, very frightened and this is why she must make sure she tidies away. She might have partly been shouting because she was scared too? I hope your daughter is OK now.

In general though I would agree that it is your husband who is the issue. I’m sure he’s trying to make her feel loved and secure by babying her, but it won’t help her in the long run. She’s 10, nobody should be washing her hair for her!

I would be agreeing to her going home today if your partner keeps minimising it point out she nearly killed his other child more minimising and I would leave and insist he has visitation separate to dsd as she has shown she is fucking irresponsible

Your husband needs to do a parenting course. His parenting is inadequate and you And the younger children will be the ones who suffer most.

It's an unwinnable fight. To be blunt. Un winnable - we have fought on just 2 issues in our relationship and this is one of them. Change can only come from her.

Can you talk to her without your H interfering? I'd have a long chat about how things work with her friends at school. Ask if she gets teased? Do other kids at school like to be treated like toddlers?

Does she ever get invited for sleepovers? If not I'd try and think about organizing one so that she can see how other girls act.

My DSS is the youngest and his DDad would like him to remain a baby. Our 3 older DDs just laughed at him. And I gave him a chance to grow up and treated him Ike an equal on a 1-1 basis. It really worked. DH is still a work in progress on the subject.