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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Mum telling horrible lies

26 replies

Missboo1 · 28/01/2020 10:15

I know that a lot of people will think I'm being unreasonable but I think it's so wrong.

My partner has a daughter from a one night stand. He didn't know the mum was pregnant and at the time she said the baby was her boyfriends. Three years down the line he was contacted and lo and behold he has a two year old daughter.

Since then he's paid maintenance and had his daughter every weekend for 1-2 nights, half holidays and shared time over Christmas etc.
His daughter is now ten so this is right years of continued contact.

This weekend his daughter said quite casually "my mum said you left her before I was born and you didn't want to know us, naughty daddy!"

My partner didn't say anything but has told me later that he is incredibly hurt. I'm so angry as it's complete slander implying that my partner knew about her existence but chose not to be there. Obviously what's done is done but I suggested he text her mum, not to start an argument, but to say that he was upset at what his daughter had been told.

It will all come out in the future as these things always do but I'm just so so angry at the cow. Talk about throwing everything my partner has done back in his face. Not his fault she didn't know who her baby daddy was and a lot of blokes wouldn't have even opened the Facebook message of doom. Rant over I'm ready for my flaming

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2020 10:21

No you are completely right, that was entirely wrong of her and a cowardly shifting of blame. I wouldn't have been able to resist setting the story straight then and there.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 28/01/2020 10:24

I think he needs to sit down with her and tell her the truth. He needs to be careful not to appear to be calling mummy a liar as the child will obviously not be interested in hearing that, but she is entitled to the truth. He could say maybe mummy has misremembered it because it was such a long time ago.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 28/01/2020 10:26

Talk about throwing everything my partner has done back in his face.

What has he done?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2020 10:30

Did he do a DNA test?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2020 10:31

What has he done?

Being deprived of knowing he had a child, never mind getting to create a relationship with her, for the first two years of his life.

What is it you think he hasn’t done?

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 28/01/2020 10:34

Being deprived of knowing he had a child, never mind getting to create a relationship with her, for the first two years of his life.

That isn’t what he has done. Op alludes to him having done a lot. I’m asking what that is.

What is it you think he hasn’t done?

I didn’t suggest there is something he hasn’t done. I’m asking what the “everything” he has done is.

Whynosnowyet · 28/01/2020 10:35

Maybe suggest her dm has a bad memory...
Tell her he didn't know she existed until when he did...
My ex told my dc I left him because I didn't want them...
It sticks. She needs to hear the truth ASAP.

KundaliniRising · 28/01/2020 10:37

I am a great believer in telling children the truth, in an age appropriate way of couse.

The girls mother was very wrong to tell her lies.

KundaliniRising · 28/01/2020 10:39

course

bingbangbing · 28/01/2020 10:40

How long have you known your boyfriend?

You sure that this isn't the truth?

No chance he is lying to you?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/01/2020 10:45

He should've told her that wasn't true and that he didn't know her mom was pregnant. She's old enough to understand that.

What a nasty woman. Why would you tell your daughter that!

But it's not exactly throwing anything in your partners face. All he's done is be a dad.

timetest · 28/01/2020 10:47

The girl’s mother was wrong to tell a lie but I don’t think he should tell his daughter that her mother is a liar. Just tell her what happened in an age appropriate way and explain that it was so ago and mummy had just forgotten. Don’t alienate the mother.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 10:57

That's really bad of her, but sometimes kids don't relay what was said, exactly as it was told to them.

If I was him I'd speak to the mum and tell him what DD said and ask if this is what she was told, or has she (DD) got it wrong.

I wouldn't go in there guns ablazing just in case.

I think the mum will find it very hard to lie outright...doing it by text gives her a chance to make up some excuse.

Something like this when he calls "Hi, DD said something the other day that I want to talk to you about, but not while she's around to hear the conversation...is now a good time to talk to you about it."

Then he can take it from there.

He needs to express that this can be damaging to DD in the long run and be harmful to their relationship.

I personally (as the dad) would want to be there, while the mum talks to their DD and clarifies that dad didn't walk away.

BronteSisters · 28/01/2020 11:05

I've always been 100% truthful with my kids (okay maybe not when it comes to tooth fairies and Santa) but I would have certainly put the child straight about it.

I wouldn't call mummy a liar outright to the child but I would definitely say it's not true. The mum has said a lie that is purely nasty and pointless other than to make the dad look like a bad guy. There was nothing for her to explain about the father not being around when she was a baby because it shouldn't have come up. The truth is much nicer than a lie. A simple "Daddy didn't know about you" or even a "We didn't know daddy was your daddy" would be much nicer and fairer.

Tell the child the truth and if that makes mummy a liar then so be it.

Raindancer411 · 28/01/2020 11:08

I would have been asking for a DNA test back when she first contacted him. As of the lie now, I would get him to text the mum and to the daughter I would have just said it was complicated and she will know more when she is older.

krustykittens · 28/01/2020 11:27

Wot Raindancer said. I reallly hope your DP insisted on a DNA test and he should be setting her straight as to how things happened. Personally, I don't think adults should involve children in their arguments but the mother can't get away with telling lies that could affect her daughter's relationship with her father.

Skittlesandbeer · 28/01/2020 11:35

Don’t go creating a long-term traumatising feud over a single comment from a young child. Just don’t.

Instead ask your partner why he hasn’t thought to collaborate with the kid’s mother around what to tell her of their ‘union’ in various age-appropriate ways, over a decade? It’s not immediately obvious how to explain the reality of her conception, is it?

It’s always going to be a bit of a fudged story for a while. No kid wants to hear ‘mum & dad couldn’t have cared less about each other, it was about beer mainly. Your conception was a bit of a nightmare for everyone when it came to light. We all got used to the legal implications eventually, and now we really love you and are all glad you’re here. Even the multiple people who were lied to about your existence.’

The mum doesn’t need to be ‘a cow’ to have tried to find another way, if indeed she did say what the kid came out with. As the mother of a kid that age, I wouldn’t discount a bit of provocation on the kid’s part. It might well be a legitimate attempt to push for some truth. She just doesn’t need the full truth. It’s too raw at that age, surely? Enough to go with a brief, casual correction along the lines of ‘actually you were a lovely surprise for daddy at xx months/years of age, you’ll notice no pics of you & dad together before then.’ She’s not 3, she’ll figure it out.

Pumpkinpie1 · 28/01/2020 11:45

My immediate reaction is did he do a DNA test, given the mothers attitude if not it might be an idea.
I also think he should tell his daughter the truth.
He met her mum once and she was the result. Her mum already had a boyfriend. Her mum told him dd was his daughter when she was 3 and he’s been seeing her ever since.
I wouldn’t sugar coat it, i would just tell her the truth

Original poster

Missboo1 · 28/01/2020 14:00

Hi all - yes a DNA test has been done so that's all sorted. It's absolutely not my place to say anything and it's up to my partner how he wishes to approach it. Sadly I think this will be a brush it off approach, bury my head in the sand and pretend I didn't even hear it.
This is his decision and it's not my job to correct it. I just feel really really sad for him that although he has been in his daughters life since he found out which meant jacking in his degree, moving across the country, having to break off his relationship at the time and also having to tell his family, that her mother had to say that he basically didn't want his daughter. It's sad, hurtful and untrue. Shes not stupid and eventually she'll work out what's happened and I understand the reasons for her mum glossing over it. Just sad it has to be at the expense of my partner.

All I've said is I hope he corrects her if she ever says this to our child as I don't want lies told to him about his dad. He's only a baby so they've got a few years yet.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 14:06

It's not a comment I would ignore if I was her dad,
as it's potentially more harmful in the long run.

I think a lot of people underestimate or don't give much thought of the impact of these things on a child.

Original poster

Missboo1 · 28/01/2020 14:14

Sorry - I got interrupted. I was going to go on to say I told him to think about the repurcussions of what his daughter has been told. We've had a baby and there has been all the usual teething issues that come with that for his daughter.
Over the past months there has been a lot of I don't like the baby, why does the baby get this, why does the baby get that which has mainly referred to that fact people have bought him clothes and toys, which is all normal and we've just reassured her. But I said comments like this undo all our efforts to make her feel included and that we are a family. My partner doesn't have a functioning co parenting relationship with her mum so wouldn't approach her.

It's all just sad and shitty for everyone involved but it angered me that my partner had been made out to be a bad person

OP posts:

saraclara · 28/01/2020 14:18

If I'm honest, I'd be chatting to her next time your and she are tending to the baby, and saying how sad it is that her Daddy missed being with her when she was a baby, but he didn't know about her until she was two years old. You don't have to refer to anything her mother said. Simply keep it a light conversation about how much her daddy loves her and would love to have known her when she was tiny.

Original poster

Missboo1 · 28/01/2020 14:18

I've been with my partner for six years, and I know that this is the truth and he's not lying

OP posts:

Original poster

Missboo1 · 28/01/2020 14:20

I suppose it's that he's stepped up and done his best to be a father to a child who was a stranger. So paying his share, maintaining contact, holidays, paying expenses, facilitating a relationship. IMO there would have been a. Lot of blokes who would have been happy to walk away and decline any paternity. He's tried to do the right thing

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/01/2020 14:48

I think the suggestion from @saraclara is nice. When she sees you with baby he can say things like "I wish I'd got to do this with you when you were a baby"

Then if she questions him he can just say he didn't know about her. Nothing to do with anything her mom has or hasn't said.

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