SD's discipline ideas about my toddler

[Anuta77]

Hi there,
my SD is 13, I have a son who's almost 12 and me and DP have a toddler of 25 months. SD comes EOW, so basically sees the toddler twice a month.
I already posted about SD's feelings that it's her job to discipline the toddler in my presence. I told her several times not to do it, that it's my job. Falls on deaf ears.
I'm really trying to have a good relationship with her, she can be nice, but I do see inconsistencies in her behaviour that I can't accept.
So she's been with us less than 24 hrs and here are the things that happen.
-Toddler was in my arms and was making stringent sounds because he was excited. I don't even have time to open my mouth and she's autoritatively telling him "No". He obviously continues and she also. Whether I intervene or not, doesn't matter, she just seems to consider it her job. And I'm against 2 people disciplining my son, not to mention that I can deal with my son.

-When he was younger, he couldn't pronounce her name, so it sounded like "fifi", so she was teaching him to say her name. He finally learned how to pronounce it. She now decided that she likes "fifi" and everytime he calls her by her name (which is how we call her too and he hears it), she corrects him. Yesterday, she told him that if he calls her by her name again, she won't talk to him. Manipulation. I know he's too young to understand, but she does it also when he doesn't want to kiss her. She would take him toy and say that he won't get it until he kisses her. That makes me feel uncomfortable and again, I'm confused whether I should intervene or just let it go.

-If my toddler is having a snack while she's not, she just comes and takes a piece of whatever it is he has on his plate (not to mention that it's without washing hands). If I give something to her and keep one part for the toddler who's napping, she contests it. She wants to have it herself...

-Today I hear my toddler and her saying "it's mine" about something when I asked what's going on she sayd that she decided to teach him how to share. So she took his toy and when he wanted it, she said it was HERS and not to touch it. He obviously didn't accept it and she would repeat that it's hers, then take it away from him. Now, she always felt free to take his or my older son's toys as she pleases (as well as my things) even if it's without his consent. She once even took his favorite fidget cube without asking because "he already has another one". She doesn't bring much to our house, so doesn't have anything to share, but I heard her many times telling my son not to touch her phone or her small electric piano. I saw her twisting my son's hand because he wanted to take a spoon of her icecream, when she wants everything he has. About sharing with toddler, last time she was closing the box on his fingers because he wanted to take her pencils (she takes his obviously). And I have many more examples of her acting entitled.

So the problem is that not only I don't agree with her ideas and don't need her disciplining my toddler, but I'm annoyed at the blatant double standard. I want to have a good relationship with her, but I feel that I have to put her in her place (and even when I do, it doesn't sink, so I get even more annoyed).

Any advice?

We had a similar situation with my SD and toddler. I ended up taking her out for lunch and just having a chat with her, and said how great it was that they were sisters and not to worry about anything other than playing with her and having fun, that that was a big help and the rest of the parenting could be left to us. I think she just didn't see her role and was copying us as to how to behave! Now when anyone else attempts to parent my toddler (other than her father) we'll catch each other's eye and try not to laugh!

Well, OP, in reference to your last post, it is her house. Or rather, she should feel at home there.

DP really needs to step up.

She clearly likes being the big girl who is in charge and wants a role. But she doesn't know how to do it gently. I don't know if it's worth sitting down with her and saying Hey, it's nice you want to help with X. Here are the things you CAN do to be really helpful. Then give her some jobs that don't tread on your toes and are kinder to toddler. Idk, like, assign her the role of reading a story to him sometimes (=no touching or telling off)? If she does those things, big praise... if she does things that hurt him, honestly her parent should be having a word.

My two SS are really nice with DD, but to be honest, I do keep an eye out and don't leave them alone. They're not always sensible about what a little baby can handle in terms of play!

Have you tried discussing the reasons why you don't want her to do these things. She is 13 so you could for example discuss why body autonomy is so important and that why some people still think that they should be able to demand kisses (she probably has relatives/friends of parents who do) you think ds needs to learn about his own ability to consent and to respect others rights. winetomorrow suggestion is also a good one. It doesn't sound as if she is trying to be difficult on the whole so maybe go with the education and being a good big sister approach.

Yes, I told her that when she plays with him and reads to him (she does it by herself), I really like it and she's great. I told her that no parent likes to be told what to do with their children, so it's nothing personal. I told her that when she was younger, I respected her wishes and never forced her with anything, so I expected the same thing, etc.
But this weekend, I still had to remind her not to discipline him or to tell me what to do.
She was even almost arguing with me as to why I decided to change the toddler's diaper if he didn't poop when "they" (she and DP) changed him not long ago .
She just can not help it...
She is very affectionate (her mother is too) and finds the toddler super adorable, so she wants to receive signs of affection from him quiet often.
I can not count on my DP, he's 100% on her side (very hard to criticise a sweet girl and an angel face). His older son was not sweet, so he had no problem controlling him and he grew up an impressive young man.

It’s bullying and very unkind. When my 4yo doesn’t let my 1 yo have any toys I give the one year old all of them. If 4yo thinks it’s ok for 1yo to not have any he can see how he feels about that. I’d do the same. If she takes his snack say you will have to share your snack. If she takes his pencils take them off her and say if you need pencils we can get you some. It sounds really unkind.
Also, I’d insist on please may I , and thank you. When you give some of her snack to your 2yo model thank you ds. And vice versa.

I think you need to separate out the unkind behaviour from reasonable discipline.

Personally I think it's normal and healthy for a teenage girl which a much younger sibling to take on a role that's part parent, so I wouldn't say she can't discipline/guide him at all, as long as she learns what is and isn't acceptable.

I have a brother who is almost 14 years younger than me and nothing she’s doing to / for the toddler seems unreasonable for a big sister. It actually seems like the toddler may well be constantly in her face - does she ever get alone time with her dad away from your kids?

When it comes to snacks you should make them separately or get her things to eat that are just hers that she can fix up herself. As for the incidences with your older son - what prompted that and why is your 11 yo son taking her stuff? Was he told off too?

She is obviously craving attention and wanting to have a role in this blended family. I know you both probably give her all the attention and things she needs but there is something in this child's mind that is causing her to act like this. I would sit her down and have a big talk about how you need help in a certain area, maybe you could say you are worried that other toddlers can count to 3 or know their colours or can point out pictures and tell her you noticed how good she is at teaching him things that it comes natural to her and would she help in this area as he looks up to her and tell her her you will do the discipline because you don't want him to stop listening to her when she is teaching him. Or anything else you could think of, maybe picking out his clothes and dressing him or whatever you think would give her a sense of responsibility even maybe doing up his room,could she design it as you have noticed she is so creature with him

creative

Personally I think it's normal and healthy for a teenage girl which a much younger sibling to take on a role that's part parent, so I wouldn't say she can't discipline/guide him at all

The thing is that I can understand if she disciplines him when he does something to her or if I'm not present. But disciplining him when he's in my arms or really next to me is just very weird for me. Not to mention that I'm left feeling like a spectator and I find it very uncomfortable. And what to say about arguing with me about something that I'm doing to my son?

She gets time with her dad. Obviously, when she and my older son were younger, they are almost the same age and played together beautifully, so we did activities together. Now, they still get along, but with phones, it's not the same. I'm not sure how he could get more alone time with her, so that I get to have alone time with my older son who doesn't have a father and who didn't develop a relationship with my Dp really.
When DP goes to pick her up, he dissapears for about -4-5 hours (also visiting his other sons), when he brings her back, he's out for about 3-4 hours, so that's about 8 hours in a weekend. And I'm left home with my kids and without a car. So I don't really see how in addition to this, my DP will take his daughter to do other activities, leaving me and my children again at home without a car (we live in suburbs with almost no transportation). He does watch movies with her (my children do other things) or asks her to walk with him.
Several times I tried to go to an amusement center with the toddler and SD asks to go with us instead of staying with her dad (she's too old for this center). If I ever try to go somewhere with my oldest (like cutting his hair, nothing exciting), she asks where he is...
She doesn't seem unhappy or unclear about her position in our "family".

Mortforya,
The thing is that she does all that. And I don't have to tell her, she likes dressing him, washing him, reading books, teaching him, feeding him, you name it. The problem is that she wants to do it all and the way she wants it.
I had issues with her when he was younger when she would do something that I asked not to do (like going to see him when he woke up from a nap, because I knew that he needed to sleep more) or almost scolding me for carrying him on my back, because she's the one "who did it first".
On the other hand, when she's on the phone or plays with my oldest, she asks me to remove the toddler who after all this attention, wants to continue to play wiht her...
It's really not a case of a girl who's not allowed to do things with the toddler and who feels left out.
I think she's even happy when she's left with her dad and the toddler, because she gets to play the mommy.

The thing is that she does all that. And I don't have to tell her, she likes dressing him, washing him, reading books, teaching him, feeding him, you name it. The problem is that she wants to do it all and the way she wants it.

She isn't going to stop until she leaves home.

I was told by one of my friends' that she constantly had to tell her step-children that she was the "mother" with their baby half-siblings. She also had to intervene to stop them doing the dressing, washing, nappy changing, etc to make it clear that that was not their role.

So you will need to constantly tell her you are the "mother" and "adult with responsibility" in that household like a broken record and will need to that until she leaves home. You will also need to intervene to make it clear as your child's mother, it is you who do all the dressing, washing etc when you are there and she is not to do any of it. In other words you will need to take your child off her and tell her to go away. Her only role is to sometimes play and read to her half-sibling.

If your OH complains tell him that by allowing her to take on those tasks he is depriving her of a childhood as she is not a mini-adult.

If she takes his snack say you will have to share your snack.

That's a great advice, I didn't think of it. :)

So you will need to constantly tell her you are the "mother" and "adult with responsibility" in that household like a broken record and will need to that until she leaves home.

Yes, I'm starting to think that :). I think some people continue telling off their younger siblings into adulthood.
I guess I could also tell what some mothers tell their children about the step-mother: if she oversteps, tell her that she's not your mother.