Give me your tips - new step parent

[Rosiew16]

Hey!
I'm hoping you can all give me some tips to help me become a great stepmum to my partner's son.
He's had a relationship with him since he was born but his ex has done her best to stop him from seeing him since before he was even born, so the relationship has been off-and-on. He's just taken her to court at last and won rights to have him over every other weekend. The littlun is 3.5 years old, I've met him a few times when he's been to stay sporadically in the past and we got on well, but we haven't seen each other for 8 months. During that 8 months, his mum has been telling him that I'm a bad woman and I'm not very nice (she's still angry that they broke up, she's never even met me). Obviously that's sad for him because it's made him feel worried about coming to stay with me!

We also have another baby who is 8 months old who his son hasn't met yet. Now that the court order is here, we just want to try and create a normal and consistent life for him and provide the warmest most loving family we can, in the hope that it will override the tension he deals with between his mum and dad, and make sure he knows families don't always have to be so full of tension.

I'm not one of these "natural with kids" kinda person. I'm loving and warm but ive always just been one to let relationships develop naturally rather than force it. However, I want him to feel safe that I'm not a bad woman, which I think she'll be telling him for the rest of his life, so I need some top tips for how best to handle it!

It would be easy to say "let him do whatever he wants and he will love you" but I also need him to follow the same house rules as the rest of us!

Thanks in advance.

Clearly you do lack empathy, as someone stated above try being friendly. Let the lad and his father reconnect at first. Sorry to be harsh but in the space of 3 years hes had one women pregnant left her got a new partner and ultimately got her pregnant in such a short space of time hes not excately prince charming is he.

Shes asked for help in regardless to childcare and he refused but happily had another child from her POV. Shes literally went through the full duration of her pregnancy birth and raising a child on her own. His life didnt stop but hers certainly did, ultimately she had to make sacrifices because she was the primary parent. Shes limited her earning potential due to childcare etc so it's easy to see why shes resentful and I'm aware theres always two sides to a story having been the one left holding the baby it's not easy trust me. It's very easy to paint her as the bad guy but theres likely faults on both sides.

I'm also a step mum and I'm pretty sure my partners ex talks negatively about us.
The biggest thing to remember is to never ever speak negatively about his other house to the child or within earshot of the child no matter how much the ex has pissed off you or your partner.
Let him form his own opinion by just being there with a combination of all of you having family fun but also some dad and kid time and even 1 on 1 dad time for him. Mabey as hes gets older they could take up a Saturday morning hobby or something together.
With regards to discipline I'm guessing from your post there wont often be situation where your alone with the child. I would set boundries by gently reminding of polite acceptable behaviours. Such as ' when were at the dinner table we try to use our knife and fork" or " it's not very nice to throw toys we might accidentally hurt somone" if he disobeyed the prompt get dad to be be the disciplinarian.
Dont try and force a relationship just be there and interact on the level a 3 year old needs so down on the floor playing with his cars or Lego. Try doing a bit of this in a one on one situation so when baby is asleep and dad is in the kitchen getting dinner. Just for half an hour it will let him see that you are fun to be around and at 3 all they really want is that play on there level.

Run for the hills, nothing you ever do or say will be enough...

I think you’ve had a lot of great advice already.

In my experience, I would do the following.

1. as others have said, give the child and his dad space to bond. Whether or not you leave the baby with them, I’d take a read of the situation. 3 and a half is a tricky age and is about the age even siblings can get very jealous re the attention a baby gets. So read that one week by week and be prepared to flex.
2. Be flexible and ready for plans to be changed. Children this age are hugely unpredictable (even more so sadly if the other parent is being negative). My partners children went through a stage of completely ignoring me / my children and being glued to their fathers side. I read the cues and stepped back massively from contact and gave them loads of space and 121 time with their father.
3. don’t try too hard. I know that sounds counterintuitive. But (in the nicest possible way), this isn’t your child. My partners children already have a mum and a dad. I’m not seeking to be another mother. At best I’m seeking to an adult in their life whom is warm, consistent and available. It works for them because I’m following their cues. Sadly, when a primary carer is not supportive of another woman helping to raise their child, this can cause something in young children called loyalty binds. So they know you care and can feel the love. But because their mother is being negative and not giving them full permission to embrace you and your family, when they feel happy and warm around you, they feel conflicted about their mother. These are tough emotions for young children to handle and it’s very common occurrences in situations like yours. In essence they can start to reject/ ignore/ be rude to you. If it happens (and it may not), don’t take any of it personally (which is very hard by the way). And the more invested you are in creating a happy home and doing the cooking/ washing their clothes, the more personal this rejection can feel. So move forward involved but healthily detached and move gradually.
4. Again as others have said, never ever be negative about the mother. And as the child gets older he prepared for comments like ‘my mummy says or my mummy doesn’t do it like that.’ I once got the question (last Christmas) ‘do you have a nativity set?’ To which I responded ‘no I don’t, but I have lots of lights and decorations.’ The next time I saw my DP’s eldest, they stayed (very seriously and quite sternly for such a young child), that ‘my mummy says you don’t understand the real meaning of Christmas. And that Christmas is not about lights but celebrating the birth of Jesus.’ Oooof. Who says that to a child who had the best time decorating a house with lights and tinsel? I simply smiled and said, ‘Christmas means a lot of things to a lot of people. And if that’s what Christmas means to mummy, then that’s lovely. Because it is the birth of Jesus, mummy is right.’ I’ve had more of those than hot dinners. Deflect, smile, remove any potential points of conflict and continue.
5. sorry about this one but it is very important. Your partner has a high conflict ex. Start keeping diary notes after every contact weekend/ session. What you did, how the child was. Any concerns etc. Try and keep face to face convos to a minimum and put as much in writing as possible.
6. finally. Do not try and attempt to meet the mother/ engage with her. She’s your partners ex and for him to manage. Not you. Stay well away.

Good luck.

@sassbott there is so much in your post...thank you for that!

OP, ignore the negativity. Without knowing the ins and outs of the split who are we to judge. Marriages/relationships end all the time, and as sad as it may be there is never an excuse for messing with a child's mind.

And whatever you do, don't try to reason with her because you'll just add fuel to the fire.

Has op left!

Thank you all - you've given me some excellent advice. @sassbott thank you for such a long and thoughtful post too. Interesting you say about writing things down - I do try to encourage DP to do this but he tends not to. Do you think I should make notes when he comes to stay?

Its been a good reminder and a relief to hear that I should actually just let the relationship develop naturally, and leave it to them to bond. I think its going to be a difficult future with his ex but so far I have ignored everything shes thrown at me, so I hope I can carry that on for the son forever.

I also never have any plans to be mean about his mother to him. I know a child would never want to hear a bad word said about his mother - I wouldn't dare disrepect her infront of her son. I respect that he loves his mum just as he loves his dad, and I fully support that he needs a positive and uncomplicated relationship with both his parents.

Its a shame some people feel the need to throw negative comments in, without enough understanding of the situation. I appreciate that everyone has a different story, different experiences and perhaps different-tinted glasses, but if you can't actually contribute to the question other than to be judgmental, its probably best not to contribute. After 4 years of emotional heartache, trying to do the right thing for this little boy, the last thing I need to hear is judgement when I came here for advice about moving on. You've definitely jumped to some conclusions and I am not here to debate that with you.

If she is high conflict. Absolutely keep notes. Date stamped. In the cloud (nothing on hard disk that can be lost). Take photos. And keep the contact diary up to date continually. It takes 5-10 mins after a weekend visit.
Best case it’s never needed. Worst case an allegation / safe guarding concern comes in and you have documented proof about how the child was and what activities you partook in.

Also, everything can be used as evidence. Text messages/ email. Never put anything in writing (or anywhere) that you’re not prepared to stand by.

Minimal. Civil comms. In writing.
Some high conflict parents settle, some dont.

I've been a stepmum for 20y and it will not be easy if the biological mother is involved in your dss life. I do personally think that your dp is not thinking of the implications that haveing shared access will have on the boy's future. He will feel pushed from pillow to post. In this situation as a mother and stepmum I would've stayed out and not took it as far as going to court. You need to change the way you think about the boys mum. Like no negative comments behind her back eather. I know it's hard after the battle you have had with her although if your DD hears anything when she gets older she will say to your dss. Being a stepmum is very rewarding if you put the emotional effort in. There are sm out there that have a hard time that is why I am being honest to you. With the hope I can do some good and it hopefully will not be as hard for you. Don't be in any kind of fight with her to her face or behind her back. Be like a silent friend have her on your side you will both be around dss. I know this may not make sense as you don't get on although you will have to find a way of making amends that will benefit you dss so much and he will grow with 2 woman who have the same outlook for him. But please be patient with her and let her get rid of all her anger first. That is where to start. Hope all goes well for your little family no family is perfect or do things exactly right so all the best and sorry if I have unintentionally affended you.

Thank you that's an interesting opinion that you wouldn't have taken it as far as court. He desperately wanted to see his son, and he felt his son deserved to have his father in his life, that's why he did it. Both me and my partner grew up in a separated environment where we saw our parents at alternate weekends and we have no complaints.

You make a good point about being patient with her and let her anger out. I think I'm so used to her behaving awfully that I just think this is us for life now, but I suppose things may change. If ever she gets into relationships she suddenly behaves better, so I desperately hope she meets someone who makes her happy so we can all move on. Also good point about not discussing her Infront of our daughter.

I guess we need to draw a line in the sand now that they have been to court and try to create a more positive future with no anger or arguments.

Im so scared about making a mistake when things are so temporamental already!

I disagree with thatagain with regard to not perusing visition via court.
I think a child has the right to know both his parents and one parent doesnt have the right to just refuse the child that right (obviously excluding cases of abuse and or neglect). The adults I know who came from split homes and have good relationships with both parents are the ones who spent regular time with both the resident and non resident parent.

@Harriett123 and the Courts agree. They also agree that the child should know blood relations where appropriate.

OP I think the advice you have been given has been sensible.

There is a tone of nastiness in some of your comments and I think you need to be careful of crossing a line regardless of the alleged provocation.

1. She was given 3-4 months notice of the father dumping extra child care costs on her because he took a new job. Sorry he is responsible for his share of child care and he should have come up with a better solution than leave her out of pocket for his lifestyle. You seem to think the problem is hers only - sorry your DP is responsible.

Having said that she should not have stopped contact.

1. I am not planning to disrespect his mother - sorry, that you have even considered doing this, rings warning bells in my head. In a moment of anger you will.

3.how do you know she has been poisioning his mind?

1. I don't interfere, and I let them be together, but I am there too enjoying the activity. - that is not giving him time with his Dad

YOur intentions appear sound but your obvious dislike of this woman who got left whilst pregnant by your DP - is palpable. I fear oyu are going to have a rocky time.

My advice as someone in the same position - a few things although she sounds like a bad egg and she does sound like she put you under unecessary stress - first things first please accept as hard as it is you will never have something she does - she is related to him biologically - if you accept that it makes it easier because he will always have that bond with her no matter what - I am in the same position as you so from experience I am saying this with a kind heart

Secondly it sounds to me like any new step mum you want his approval your ok and acceptance - facts are your partner accepts you and if you’re good for him his child will see that -children are children and they have a sense of who is good or bad for them - if they see you not acting the way mum is saying they will pick up on who is really being dishonest as kids do sense things

To be honest as a step mum it sounds to me like if there relationship has been difficult and she’s not allowed him contact I don’t see why you can’t all build a relationship together to be honest because if you are stable with your partner as in solid and it’s unlikely you’ll break up why can’t you get to know his child too- it sounds like for whatever her reason the ex is using the child to get to him and you and that’s never ok and she isn’t thinking of the child - it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you as long as the boy accepts you and the partner - I know there might be some mothers on here that say well I do need to approve - I don’t think they do they broke up or their relationship split up it is not their right to dictate who their partner has a relationship with- ofcourse if the new partner is a threat to the child the mother has every right to say I’m not allowing contact and protect her child but if it’s because she doesn’t like the fact he’s moved on that’s control and abuse and cannot happen

Sorry just to add sometimes as much as we would love to have an awesome co parenting relationship we have to accept that if one parent is repeatedly unreasonable and is not looking out for the best interest of the child then it looks like the only option you and your partner have is to parallel parent him - when he is with you parent him your way and that includes interacting with school and medical services your way and respect she has her own way of parenting and leave her to it - ofcourse is she is at risk to him by using parent alienation and regardless of what she thinks of you if she’s telling her child / bad mouthing you or dad regardless if there’s cause that is parent alienation and she should either be getting a court order herself to protect her son from you / and not saying anything about dad that’s harmful full stop because it isn’t good for him but clearly she isn’t concerned otherwise it would be her getting the court order and not you

Stuffpeppers is right.
You do sound hostile.
It OK to feel that way. From point of view his mum is someone who always will be in your partners life. You will never be able over-rule her. You will never be able to win and that must be frustrating.
And true, if you keeping eye on them all the time including "every activity" then its not 1;1 time with dad. You are forcing yourself on and it only makes the little guy resent you more.
You sound like you asking for advice, but do you actually planning to take it or you will ignore any suggestions/advice if its not matching with your ideas and what you really planning to do ?

OP ignore Annaminna the poster has shown on other threads she doesn't have a clue and is here just to kick step-parents.

Another one here who whole heartedly supports the court process to secure contact with your child if one parent is hellbent on not being amicable.

Re the hostility? I’ve not noticed any hostility in your posts at all. I actually think the opposite, you are taking all the feedback on board and making adjustments.

I haven’t read the full thread - just a couple of responses which weren’t relevant to the question you asked.
I’ve been a step parent for over 10 years. I think it’s a very difficult role to play especially when the parents don’t get on. If I could have my time back I would do two things differently:

1. actively encourage my DP to build a strong co-parenting relationship with his ex and to be on good terms with her (without being a total pushover). If the parents get on it’s easier for everyone.
2. I wouldn’t get involved in any parenting decisions at all. I would leave everything up to my DP to sort out and I wouldn’t ‘help’ unless he asked me to.

Your stepson has had a challenging start. It sounds like his Mum will be tricky. There is nothing you can do to tackle this except be kind, consistent and put down clear unbreachable boundaries. Your stepson’s primary relationship is with his dad (and his half sibling) the best thing you can do is to facilitate them having a solid relationship - one that doesn’t actually include you. I know that sounds odd but I tried too hard to make everyone happy and, looking back, that wasn’t the best way to go about it.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a good relationship with my DSDs but I wish I’d done things differently.