Step Parent Break up he doesn’t want to see my child, advice please on anyone who has experience with this situation x

[IrishMum25]

Hello everyone, this is my first post on netmums. Don’t have a great friends circle for advice so hoping for some on here.
I broke up with my sons biological dad when he was a baby due to drink problems/stress/incompatibility when he was under 1 year old. I always carry that guilt although he has a good relationship with the child and has stayed in his life thank god.
Very soon after that break up I reconnected with a past boyfriend who worked away as a lorry driver most of our relationship and has only been home more the last year or so and has build a fairly good relationship with my son, my son thinks the world of this man (my son is 4 years old).
Long story short, our relationship hasn’t been great since day one it’s been on/off a couple time’s a year, seems like every right we have had this last year or so (since he moved in with me) he has wanted to break up after each fight or sign of conflict.
I am quite an emotionally unavailable girlfriend to him and I’m unsure why really, maybe because of past issues.
He broke up with me last night again saying he can’t continue as we don’t get on and there was harsh words exchanged infront of my son- which I have always tried not to argue infront of him because my boyfriend uses foul language at me to express his anger so I put a stop to it, obviously not doing so well on that part now. My partner is quite secretive and I have reason not to trust him which has affected our relationship, I guess my insecurities have destroyed the most part of it. He maintains all of the issues I bring up are in my head or not true or over reacting.

My main reason for this thread is that he doesn’t want to see my son if we are broke up because he doesn’t want to see me or be involved with me because of his own hurt over the breakup.
Part of me understands why but my son will be devastated!
He was before over our last break up when I told the child my boyfriend wasn’t doing to be back. I’d of never of said that if I thought he would be.
We got back together after that (only few months ago) and he was talking about engagement. Though it’s come to light nothing has changed with him and he’s still carrying his destructive ways when we argue. I know I am not perfect either and do not claim to be. But I think respect is very important in a relationship and especially do not want my son to hear him telling me to F off or f up or call me names in arguments. It’s more hurtful to me that he does it infront of my son than that he actually says it if you know what I mean.
I love my son to death and feel an emmense amount of guilt that he will have to go through this separation with me in the fact he won’t see my partner again.
He walked out on us last night and my son ran to him to ask where he was going and he said I am clearly not wanted here. My son was so confused and I told my partner he was disgusting for saying that to him. Feel like my son has been though so much already at his age. I try so hard to keep my relationship/life problems away from him as he is so young and precious. But this time it’s just not going to be that easy. My boyfriend and my child have not always had the best relationship, it’s took a lot of work for my partner to bond with my child which was always an issue to me, I felt like he was jealous in a sense, they have got on better as of lately, I’ve had to work hard on that.
There’s a lot more to my situation/relationship/story. Just don’t want to rant on anymore.
Would like some advice please on what to say to my child when he brings up my partners name again and asks why he hasn’t seem him, hearts broke for him 🙁 and can’t help but feel responsible.

Can I add that the relationship was well established before he started spending time with my son, about a year in fact. And how are you supposed to be in a position that if it doesn’t work out people won’t get hurt, when you don’t know if a relationship will work until you try? He is the only man I’ve been with since his father, and won’t bring anyone else into his life until like you say is well established. I am in no place to look per another man neither would I want to for my sake or my sons! Just because a relationship has problems does that mean you should throw it away soon as something arises? I tried so hard to make it work because we loved each other very much. Clearly it wasn’t enough in the end for either of us to change. I didn’t realise there was some sort of rival between mumsnet and netmums that was my mistake.
Totally agree I have not been a good partner either, my own issues stem from other things and need worked on absolutely.
My now ex has worked away for the majority of our relationship only home at weekends, DS didn’t ever see much of him because of that anyway. I wish I was a psychic to know that these issues would arise but i am not. Only human and trying to deal with this the best way I can now.
I can’t get my head around how woman on this attack people on threads who are trying to get out of a rough place in life, we all make mistakes and I am trying to do the right thing now please be respectful of that.
Reading back on my thread I realise I have made him out to be all bad but he really was not that was my mistake, he had anger issues but was a loving partner/ father figure most of the time. As he worked away our fall outs did not get resolved quickly as he had to leave for work is what I meant by on/off. My son was not aware of this at those times before this summer.

@aSofaNearYou also I did see him as a romantic partner I never said that I did not? I never stated to be the perfect partner either. Totally at fault on both sides, I have never disrespected him infront of my child and never would. I appreciate the feedback though, puts the situation into perspective. Harsh or not

Your son already has a dad he sees. You need to remind him of that. Next time I suggest you wait a year before introducing a new man into that poor boy’s life

Get some therapy for you
Ask for help from a child family therapist to advise you
Build your child s resiliency
And yours

@GrumpyHoonMain that goes without saying. It was about a year before they came in contact.

As an aside I met a 10.5 year old girl yesterday during a school tour (v bright girl btw, head of the junior school) and asked her where she went for nursery (at 3) and she said she didn't remember. Your son won't be devastated for more than a minute. Get this unreliable man out of his life regardless of whether you keep doing this on again off again dance with this boyfriend.

Feel absolutely broken and will not be looking for another relationship for a very long time. Have to concentrate on my son and finding a job that puts us in a better situation financially.

@zaphodbeeblerox my child has a very good memory for his age and I am quite certain that he will never forget this man. They had a great bond outside of our relationship differences. The jealousy had definitely subsided since his bond grew stronger with DS. Even though he never would express those feelings I just assumed that to be honest from how he behaved. Maybe I was wrong about a whole lot!
For the poster who said i seemed clingy and insecure, I found messages on his phone from another woman he was talking to

at that time and definitely became insecure after that, even though the messages were not sexual. He was becoming more secretive that’s why I got hold of his mobile, never done that again. Should not have in the first place.

My sons father was not affectionate to me at all once I became pregnant he would not even give me a cuddle, a lot of my own issues and insecurities stem from that on top of my own child hood trauma.
Have always tried to be a good mum to my child a lot more than my own mother has been to me that’s perhaps why he has always came before my relationship in every way. Hence why my now and ex had drifted apart perhaps so much.
I did not realise how much damage I would actually cause in the end by letting this relationship run on so long.

What I meant by you don't seem to see him as a romantic partner rather than a dad for your son is that you seem to constantly rebuff or dismiss his feelings because of the impact it will have on your son - he can't talk about his feelings in front of your son (reasonable in itself but could be stifling if used constantly as a trump card), you got back together with him for the sake of your son but have yourself been emotionally unavailable to him. Once he'd finally had enough, you tell him he shouldn't be allowed a clean break from you to process his feelings, because he should still be seeing your son. The way your OP was written reeks of a lack of self awareness that he is probably leaving BECAUSE he is tired of being expected to put your son above all else, it's hardly surprising that he wouldn't want to see him. He's not his father and I do feel for the guy if even ending his relationship with you isn't enough to get away from a responsibility it reads like he has not welcomed from the start.

That said, anger issues, blowing hot and cold and texting other women to the point it has given you trust issues do not a good partner make so this was not a relationship worth fighting for, I just think you maybe need to adjust your thinking on what a partner will he prepared to put up with in a relationship and how much they will want to put your son at the heart of their own life and priorities, rather than just respecting that he will be at the heart of yours.