Fertility problems affecting the way I see my Step Children

[FuckYouInfertility]

I've posted this on AIBU originally but I thought some people here may be able to help me.

It's been a horrible few years for me (and DH), traumatic pregnancy loss, stays in hospital, points where I've wanted to die...

And I hate myself for it but it's really starting to affect the way I see my step children. I don't want it to and I'm trying hard to stop it but I think I need a MN kick! I'm going to try and be as honest as possible though I know there will likely be a lot of upset at what I say...

I don't like them staying anymore. I don't enjoy it when they are with us. I don't feel anger toward them at all, they are good, lovely kids. We get on really well but I feel resentful at my situation and I feel resentful of the constant reminder in my home of what's going on.

I feel angry at DH that he has the one thing I'm desperate for even though logically it's not his fault and I know this.

I feel like I can forget almost when they aren't here. I can pretend for just a moment that I'm okay and it's just me and DH.

Due to various work commitments for both DH and his ex, I end up doing quite a bit of childcare and I don't like doing so anymore. It's really painful.

It makes me feel sick when I see DH cuddling on the sofa with them or carrying them to bed. I feel so desperately grief stricken watching him be a loving parent that I sometimes have to remove myself from the room.

I think I do a good job if hiding this both from H and the children but I feel so guilty inside at these thoughts.

They are good, kind, lovely children and here's me wishing they didn't exist so that I could mourn my situation in peace.

I know they love me, and underneath all this hurt I love them too. I just don't know how to effectively deal with these feelings and it's suffocating me.

There isn't a choice & you didn't make him choose. What there is, is a management of his time & responsibilities of which you are one. His saying no to his ex tonight was not going to effect the kids (sounds like it was not on his time anyway) it was only going to effect her.
I've been off here for a bit after a split from my dp, but I was scrolling though tonight & your post has made me so sad & I'm so sorry for your losses & for what you're going through.
I'm trying to be fair here but it really does seem like your dh is missing the sensitivity gene! You are grieving & need time & space to grieve & heal and he's giving you neither. If he can't/won't do this for you then you need to do it for yourself. Is there any way you can take some time & go away by yourself for a bit? - either alone or with/to a friend/family member? I think a few days away from him & his kids would do you the world of good & would allow you to clear your head a little. It also might cop him on a bit!
For what it's worth I don't think it's you that needs the counseling - it's him that does. Any man who thinks telling his wife she'll be grand because at least she has his kids & who cannot prioritise her for one evening over the wants of his ex wife needs a goodly dose of self reflection.
You're sad & you're angry & maybe it's time you let him see both. As women, & as bms & sms we're constantly told to keep our feelings under wraps; don't get upset, don't get angry. Well you know what - sod that. You've every right to be angry & he needs to see that, accept that & understand that, because if he can't you are going to be forever carrying this burden of grief alone.
I really hope things get better for you.

Op this sounds really hard and I'm so sorry for you going through this.

But he has to put these children before anything. He would not be a good dad if he turned down chances to see them when they don't live with him .

You crying because his children are coming over is understandable on one level but also on another it's very unfair on him

It's also very unfair on his children.

You need to see a therapist. They don't judge.

I realise everyone has different opinions but actually I think he is a father who doesn't live with his kids and they come first before an evening with you.

You are asking him to choose aren't you ? If you make it clear you don't want them around. I don't mean that harshly I can see why it's a really hard situation.

Btw. Someone just said you don't need counselling he does...that completely missed the point of therapy.

Therapy is a space to confront and deal with painful emotions in order to help move forward. It's not a punishment or admission of being at fault. It's a very amazing thing when you find the right therapist. And most people would benefit from it

A person who wants to our their kids first Every Single Time regardless of anyone or anything else going on at the time has no business starting a serious relationship or marriage. There doesn’t seem to be any room at all for OPs feelings and grief in this marriage and that’s not healthy.
The whole situation is very sad, and I don’t believe OP should have to suck it up and carry on as normal for everyone else’s benefit. She needs time and support from her DH and he won’t provide it. That’s on him.

...he has to put these children before anything. He would not be a good dad if he turned down chances to see them when they don't live with him

I realise everyone has different opinions but actually I think he is a father who doesn't live with his kids and they come first before an evening with you.

Sorry @waterrat I completely disagree with what you've said here.

OP deserves some consideration for what a shit and terrible time she's going through, as well as the fact that her misery is compounded by having to live part-time with someone else's children and watch her H be a parent to them when she is so desperate for this herself. Her H knows full well that she is struggling and that she was looking forward to a chilled evening with him.

His kids should not come before his partner's welfare at a time like this, they are not in danger, presumably their mum just needed someone to have them for the evening. He should not have said yes when he already had an evening planned with his already-stressed wife.

It's just basic consideration and part of caring for a partner who is going through a hard time.

This is awful for you, and I completely understand. In a similar position myself although we aren't living together yet, it is imminent and I am already fearful of my own feelings if that makes sense. As time goes on things seem to be getting tougher not easier and I'm hoping to find a way to cope with the negative feelings, like you.
X

@waterrat I said that & I haven't missed the point of therapy. I'm a qualified psychotherapist.
I think this man does need counseling (& I am differencing therapy & counseling) in order to examine & deal with his boundaries. A lot of dads (& mums) come out of separation/divorce feeling so guilty about breaking up the family unit that they muddy the waters around parenting responsibilities, partner responsibilities & responsibilities towards subsequent children. This inability to say goodbye to the old family unit & create a new one with the necessary boundaries in place is no good for the kids (who grow up believing the entire world revolves around them) or the partners of both parties (if there are partners) who are constantly sidelined, or the parents themselves who keep one emotional foot in a defunct relationship!
No father whether he lives full time with his kids or not, should jump to the tune of his ex (unless in an emergency) to the detriment of his partner's mental & physical well being.
The op should absolutely be her dp's priority at this time. She has only one partner, the children have two parents.

I really feel for you OP. I'm sorry

I am a mum. Have been a non official step mum (currently split from my ex partner, because, well. I had DP issues).

Firstly, I’m so so so sorry about your losses.

But my wider opinion? And in response to some of the posts here?

1. I respect any parent who says my children will always be my number one priority. But, I will also say to that parent, that it is inherently selfish to then get into a relationship and consistently deprioritize that person. It’s disrespectful and the it’s an example that should appear next to ‘cake and eating it.’

2. I am a parent. I am fortunate not to be a single mother and I have a fab co-parent in my exh. My children are important but they are never consistently my number one priority. Sometimes my job choices come first. Sometimes my friends come first. And my ex partner also came first. That’s called being balanced in life. I can afford to take that POV because of my exh. As Magda says my Dc have two parents.

3. Your DP is not being kind/ thoughtful and his comment of ‘you’re making me choose’ tells me you have the same problem a lot of us on here have. DP issues. My exDP would say that a lot. Idiot.

4. You deserve to be put first. As a partner (even without the heartbreaking journey you’ve been through), you can look forward and fully expect an evening with your partner. And that time should be a priority. Unless it is an emergency.

5. the challenge i see is that your partner doesn’t seem to giving this situation a lot of thought from your perspective. Has he tried to talk to you about your pain? About your needs?
   I don’t even have your situation and I didn’t want to spend all of my exDP’s contact time with him and his children (he would have loved it). Why? Because as much as I loved them, they are not my children. And after a long week, I want to come and relax (given my exh has picked up my kids). I don’t want to spend the week doing the bulk or parenting with my own, full time work and then spend critical downtime with his children.

No. Your kids. You parent them.

If you don’t talk to him, this isn’t going to get fixed however. I don’t think you should talk to him directly. But there Are increasing counsellors who specialise in step family dynamics. I think you should see one of those with him to tackle this all.

But only after you’ve sought support for your own grief. I’m so sorry OP.

No advice but please please be kind to yourself. Nothing compared to your situation, and I'd like to thank you for this thread because it has given me a lot of perspective on my own, but I've recently had feelings of grief upset by my step kids mum and the feelings it all throws up are just beyond your control. You sound amazingly strong and ad though you're foing your best. Youvd done the right thing letting it out here separately xx