Disneyland dads? Anyone else?

[Keykeche]

Hello all.

I have two boys, aged 11 and 9 from previous marriage. My DH has a son from previous marriage. We have a 3 year old daughter together.

All in all we are good. Have been together for 6 years. DH is a great dad and a stepdad for boys.

Problems start when his son comes over. He is a nice kid, no better or worse than most of the kids his age. Having a close gap all boys are kinda similar.
All can be great, wingy, mean, helpful and etc. Normal pre teenage behaviour.

But what drives me crazy is DHs attitude to my SS. According to him, he does no evil, sees no evil, says no evil.
When there are only my older boys with us, he disciplines them (rightly so), tells them off, makes them do chores. Sometimes is mean to them (I guess we all snap). Normal parent behaviour.
But when SS comes over, my DH NEVER tells him off, never makes him do things, his son is always right and generally he has a view that his son is a perfect boy.
Which he is not. He is a normal pre teenage kid, with ups and downs. And he needs discipline like all the other boys.
Most of the times I feel like a bad cop of the family.
I’m reasonably strict with DS1 and DS2 and DD. I am exactly the same towards SS. ALL of the kids love me and respect me.

But DH goes from normal parent to Disneyland dad every time his son stays over.
I can deal with it for short periods of time, managing the situation and explaining my sons why DS changes attitude. But 6 weeks of summer holidays are challenging.
If I mention anything to DH - he blows up and we have a major argument.
What makes me mad the most is that other kids see this change and obviously ask questions.

I do have to say that DH is generally great with all the kids and is wonderful. His son stays with us all the holidays and due to distance DH goes to where he lives (rents a hotel) every month for a week.

Anyone had a success explaining their DH that this is not right?

Talking about disciplining pre teenage boys.

Even though I’m relatively strict (I think normal), boys, also SS absolutely adore me and I them.
They are fantastic kids. But I think that especially
In this pre teenage age they need to have rules, otherwise I’ll hang myself

So being a parent and not a buddy does not spoil the relationship with a kid. It actually makes it stronger. Wish my DH would understand it more, regarding SS.

My DH can be a bit like this. He ended up spending £100 in the Harry Potter studios yesterday which i’m Sure he wouldn’t have done normally. I seriously had to bite my tongue on that one 🤦‍♀️ Bloody wands that will get madly waved for a few days and then gather dust until the end of time.

My DP is a Disney Dad too. I have called him up on this many times.

Most recent was we were on holiday and it was 80% of the time me calling the kids up on their manners, rudeness and general spoilt ways.

I know the reason why he is more relaxed is the guilt. He doesn't see them that often so he wants them to be happy however I've explained if anything he is making them worse for the future.

I think consistency is the key. Explain to him that he needs to be fair across all the kids.

My DH is the same - turns into a different person when his kids are here ( older teenagers ) . He's more anxious and allows them to talk to him in a rude fashion . I have spoken to him about this and he says that he feels guilt about not being in his kids' lives more on an everyday basis . It was a divorce with no other people involved so no OW guilt. We are just about to go on holiday so let's see how it pans out . I think many men are like this - they feel guilt and they do want an easy life at times and they want their kids to like them. So many times I hear Dads say that the Mum is the disciplinarian and they are the soft touch .

I had similar situation, don’t know if it’s genuinely better now or whether I have made my peace with it. My DH is stricter on my son than his own kids. Shorter fuse, picks up on smaller things, less ready to fork out for stuff, less permissive. We used to argue a lot over it but after 7 years and a lot of soul searching and now they’re all teens, I can honestly say I’ve ended up with a fantastic almost 16 yo. Hard working, polite, well disciplined, balanced and happy boy who never gives us a minutes trouble. Yes he’s on his phone too much, needs nagging to work harder on his exams but he’s a son to be proud of. Unfortunately I can see my DH’s disappointments in how his own kids are carrying on these days. It’s upsetting and frustrating for him. They don’t live with us so I’m not saying it’s his fault, it’s not, they have two parents, but I guess what I’m saying is, it doesn’t damage the resident child, my son hasn’t suffered from the stricter approach and I know we’ve brought him up in the right way. He’s never noticed any ‘unfairness’ and would I want him to be let away with stuff? No, I wouldn’t. Is it my problem if DSCs are having a more permissive upbringing? No, it’s not. DH does now recognise he’s handling the kids differently and why he does so which is good. My son is old enough now to understand the whole dynamics of it too.

@Keykeche I have this issue too. I think it is deffo a guilt thing. We have one each and one together. My OH seems to "favour" his daughter over the other 2 and he has admitted before that he doesn't shout at her because he doesn't want her to not come round anymore!
I think it's totally unfair. Just yesterday his daughter bit my daughter. I witnessed it and he didn't. They do wind each other up a lot, but my OH didn't believe me and my daughter because his daughter would never do such a thing. Thankfully he agreed to speak to her and she openly admitted she had bitten her step sister but she still didn't get told off! If my daughter had bitten his daughter I can guarantee world war 3 would have kicked off!!!

Thank you for all your replies.

Today, after 4 weeks of the kid staying here, I finally blew up. During dinner, when SS said he doesn’t want to finish the plate, as is full, and my (soot to be probably) husband just said “ok”.
When other kids don’t finish something, even if they don’t like it, he always looses his temper and there were times when he made them finish their dinner even if they were full.

Argument started, one thing went to another. Was ugly. All kids present. He ordered me to leave our holiday home and go back to the city (2 hour drive) with my boys and our three year old daughter, when it was way past her bedtime.
When we have fights, he really turns nasty, can’t control himself, doesn’t harm me, but yells at the top of his voice. Not wanting the kids to witness, I took necessary things and left. Had to stop at the shop to get necessities, as city house has only dry food.
And what even more so, while we were having an argument, his son absolutely mimicked him, and started to shown hysterically at me as well. And his father did nothing to stop him. One thing adults having a fight, another thing allowing your son to be disrespectful to me.
From that moment on I decided that it stops there.

I’m filing for the divorce next week.
It’s a shame, as he is not a bad person, but it turned too ugly.

Thank you for your reply.
I am reasonably strict with my sons too, as I want them to be decent adults. I absolutely adore them and they me. So it doesn’t damage them, if done fairly.
Already at 11 and 9 they are fantastic boys. Really great. Polite, hard working, unspoiled and respectful. I’m immensely proud of them.

And yes, there is difference between my boys and my SS. All are kind and good kids, with their flaws, but SS is definitely more spoiled and demanding then DS1 and DS2.

He behaves horribly towards you, is raising his son to be as bad and thinks it’s acceptable to be loudly verbally abusive in front of you and young children.

You’re making the right decision. You have to leave him.

A truly horrible day by the sounds of things, awful for you

But it often takes something like this to give you the clarity you need so hold onto the certainty you feel now and stick to your guns.

Thank you for the support.

And yes, I was upset, quietly crying in the car (I don’t want to distress my daughter). But now when I’m home, I actually feel good.
Calm and peaceful. It’s a nice feeling. Not having to deal with the stress.

I love my husband, I do. But sometimes love is not enough, and I don’t think I want to spend my life living on a pile of dynamite, never knowing when it can explode next.

The thing is, he will start trying to get me back, and it will be hard. Or maybe not this time.

What makes me upset the most, is that completely disregarded the needs of his BIO daughter, who is still so small!

One thing to order me to leave and the boys. Fine. We can deal with it.
But, knowing that she must go to sleep, there is no food at the city house, she will get cranky if doesn’t get to bed in time!
How can you do it??!! Also shouting at me and scaring her!
No one mattered except his precious son.

I’m disgusted.

@Keykeche - so sorry to hear of this. His behaviour is disgraceful but you know, it's his loss. His ds won't be much companionship for him when he's an old man!
You're better off without him & his toxic relationship with his son which sounds like it's only going to get worse & worse.