Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I'm a step-parent, so flame me!

39 replies

dragonstitcher · 31/07/2007 22:10

Is it just me, or does everyone get flamed on MN for daring to criticise/complain about their SKs. My SSs are 18 and 20. If I moaned about my teenagers on the teenage board, I would probably get sympathy/support/advice, but because they are SKs I get flamed. I'm fed up of it. I get enough of it at home, I come here to get it off my chest and now I can't even do that.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Carmenere · 03/08/2007 18:18

Ah yes Aloha but when you looked at the 'my ds is a shit' thread and realised it was in teenagers you understood with even having to read it

No children do not come first all the time. We didn't come first as children all the time(although we knew we were adored). I strongly feel that if you have a schild living with you that the relationship should be as normal as possible, ie, that they get in line like the other kids.

I reiterate what I said below, imo unconditional acceptance is what step children need. they need the reassurance that they are as important a member of the family as the rest. Love comes later.

aloha · 03/08/2007 18:25

Believe me, if was about a teenage stepson, you still wouldn't have been able to see the OP for flaming torches

Aimsmum · 03/08/2007 18:26

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 03/08/2007 18:32

Mine would be full of praise because they lurve me

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 04/08/2007 18:50

Actually my skids aren't the problem. DH is. He made them the way they are.

Today, DH went over to the boys mums house to feed the cats because she is away for the weekend. 18yo SS is away as well. 20yo SS is supposed to feed the cats but he doesn't bother. As well as feeding the cats, he had to tidy up all the food lying around the house, load the dishwasher and pick up all the beer cans etc. Did he talk to SS when he came home? No, he didn't. He says that there is no point. He did go ballistic at the girls for leaving a crisp packet on the floor and not putting their shoes in the cupboard tidily enough.

OP posts:

forsale · 04/08/2007 18:56

he sounds a great guy dragonsticher. Maybe he just doesnt want his dd's to go the same as his older children. Im sure if your girls were 18 and 20 he would still be picking up behind them

I used to nag my children when they were younger and try to brirng out the tidy part of their personality but now find myself just doing it myself

Surfermum · 14/08/2007 12:12

I get fed up with the flaming of step-mums too dragonstitcher. I never post on here if I need any advice about dsd, I talk to friends instead. As soon as we say we are finding something difficult it feels to me like there is almost always someone who comes along to say "well you knew what you were taking on" or "it's clear that you resent your step-children" or just "poor child". I agree, there have been some awful things posted about step-children, but I've also seen lots of threads where comments like that I feel have been unnecessary and unfair, and in those cases it's just not that helpful.

We get criticised for the way we describe our step-children's mothers, but I've seen far worse from people talking about their exes, their exes new girlfriends or mother in laws come to that. Why is one so bad, yet it's OK for people to speak about their child's father like that?

I've just seen the thread Aloha refers to " ...my ds is a shit". On the same thread someone has described their child as a shit too and says she doesn't like them. Now if that were in the step-parenting section all hell would let loose, but on that thread every post is supportive. There are also hundreds of threads asking for advice on dealing with difficult behaviour and situations. I can't say I've ever seen anyone go on one of those threads and say "well you knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant" or "they're the child, you're the grown up deal with it" type comment (now someone will come along and link to one where someone does knowing my luck!).

macdoodle · 15/08/2007 21:28

But its different really isn't it - I guess you can call your own child a shit (and I guess the underlying assumption is that you don't really mean it be that true or not)...whereas with a SP the suspicion is that it is true ??

Surfermum · 17/08/2007 12:28

Exactly macdoodle. It IS different - step-mums seem to be automatically assumed to be in the wrong or have issues of some sort, and it shouldn't be like that.

sheepgomeep · 17/08/2007 18:48

What happens if it is not the step kids that cause the problem but thier mum.

In our case it is their mum who is screwing dp and her kids head up and not ours.

dp has just been accused of not giving a shit about his kids. Reason because before they all upsticks and moved 350 miles away we 'only had them overnight once a week' and quite often more.

oh and because we cannot afford to buy them expensive presnts and take them on holiday.

I have 3 children and dd2 is my dp's and mine.

They came down to visit her family for 2 weeks and dp found temping work unfortunately it coincided with the visit, We had them when we could and actually saw them quite a lot.

She threatened to stop him from seeing them. reason? because he wouldn't give up his job so he could have them for the whole two weeks. If he had, my children, and his and my daughter would have suffered too and dp ex would have had no money.

And no I didn't split them up. She left him 2 years before we got together and he had a girlfriend after her.

We did all get on rather well.. until yesterday

No doubt I will be slated now for hating her

macdoodle · 18/08/2007 18:29

No hon her you can hate ...but not the kids - as a SK myself and possibly now a mum to SK's (if either me or H ever find new partners) - it really is hard for the kids...and the mums - at moment I have good relationship with H but DD still cries herself to sleep wanting her dad (we have been seperated nearly a year now)...can only imagine how much harder it would be for her if he had new family and kids who "seemed" more important than her...I am sure most BM seem like bitches (and some probably are) but i would guess most are just hurt and angry at seeing their kids hurt and trying to protect them ..surely as a mum you can see that and understand how you would feel if it was your kids that didn't get to see their dad and had to deal with the tears and anger while he "played happy families with his new family"

sheepgomeep · 19/08/2007 09:43

but they do get to see thier dad and quite often.. thats the point.

She has also been telling the kids to call her boyfriend ( who she is 30 weeks pg with)'dad' and and my dp by his real name.

There is loads and loads more. but I'm not going into it.

She made a choice to uproot the children to another place. Dp didn't want her to go.

We all got on so well this is what I don't understand. I even went on nights out with her, dp and I used to pop round to hers all the time and see the girls plus have them overnight once and even twice a week. She used to sleep in our spare bedroom sometimes and we used to watch dvd's!1

anjd to be told that dp had best stay away if he cannot accept responsibility for his kids is a little bit galling to be honest and very hurtful.

And at least dp and I don't do drugs round our kids like she does or smoke round them. or let them play 18 rated ps2 games..,

I dont hate her at all just extremely puzzled

sheepgomeep · 19/08/2007 09:49

We have told her that if she manipulates the kids even more then we will go for full custody, there is a lot about her and her family and boyfriend that I can't go into here for legal reasons..

AND SHE LEFT HIM!!!!!!!!!

JustBreathexoxo · 05/09/2007 00:26

Is it not fair to feel free to vent in a forum where thats what your encouraged to do, Just have to remember that in doing so not everyone will have the same opinions.

Personally if I have something I need to vent im doing it on here the negitive misunderstood reactions do not outweight the positive advice and encouragment I recieve on MN.

Although I do agree that it depends on how its worded, haha but you have to admit sometimes in the heat of the moment its hard to have the patience to word things so people would find them more barable or easy to understand.

And in most cases better out than in, you'll find the moment you press post message you feel a little lighter

Flip

1 2