Really down over dp's kids

[Magda72]

I'm just back from a 10 day holiday with dp, his three teens & two of my teens & it was honestly a very hard 10 days & I feel exhausted & upset from having to fake it for so long.
I post on here a bit & many of you may know that my dp tends to see his kids mainly in the town where they live due to logistics, geography & issues with their dm.
I have always struggled with his dc - or should I say they have always struggled with me - & so I have always striven to give them plenty of alone time with their dad while trying to support him in his parenting & trying to be a grown up friend to them (as opposed to parenting them). I do birthdays, Christmas gifts, days out, some long weekends away etc. & while I use here to vent my frustrations I really, really do try with them.

I know I have issues around how they are being parented, but again I either vent here or take it to my therapist & keep my mouth shut around dp unless he asks for specific advice.

After nearly 5 years & this holiday I just feel like nothing is getting better. I'm not saying I do everything right but I work in wellness/SN & have taught lots of teens & kids at school level. I also have taught adults with SN so I am well used to dealing with people & teens; can connect with most teens, get on great in a class setting; have a great relationship with my own kids, their friends & my nieces & nephews. But for some reason I cannot warm to dp's kids & they don't warm to me either. I DON'T dislike them, but I find being in their company very draining & I find many of their behaviours very odd & some quite rude. I also really felt dp was a different person on this trip & made NO effort to promote this as a joint holiday when the whole thing had been his idea in the first place! They clung out of him the whole trip & while this made him tired & cranky (they were like three primary age kids instead of 13, 16 & 19) he refused to speak to them about it. My two and I ended up just doing our own thing but my two (who have a great relationship with dp & who have previously spent time with his kids) were just bewildered & became very self conscious around them all, to the point where they both remarked to me that they felt they really weren't wanted around.
Virtually all meals (pre us doing our own thing) were silent unless myself & my son & daughter tried to get conversation going. They'd never say good morning or good bye & if I was left overseeing things because dp might have gone to the loo they'd just get up and leave my presence, saying nothing & not letting me know where they were off to.
I'm not even sure anymore if I'm the problem - this trip I just got the feeling that this is what they are like in general & that the dynamic between dp & them is just very 'odd' & getting odder. At the moment I just feel total despair at the future (am already feeling anxious about Christmas) & I feel very bad for my two who got caught in the middle of all this sullenness & neediness & whom I now feel are possibly looking at dp in a very different light.
I have tried & tried & tried to connect with them as have my kids, but we are increasing met with total disinterest. I feel there is nothing more I can do & I can't talk to the one person I really need & want to talk to.
I really don't need a bashing - I just needed to vent.

*He keeps his kids separate from your life together - until it's holiday time, or the 'wifework' needs doing re birthday/xmas cards and gifts, that's when you get brought into it.

Holidays with teens can be stressful. Our own DS 13 has been less than a delight on recent holidays - add into that DCs who don't see their DF all the time and perhaps feel a bit judged against your DCs and I can see why this would be hard for everyone.

I think separate holidays going forward and couple breaks for you and DP is the way to go.

My thoughts exactly Saving.

You sound like you've done our best, OP. Time to put your foot down and say never again.

I recognise you OP, you put up with far too much from your dp, who is the problem in all this.
He is allowing you to be treated appallingly and it's such a shame you refuse to see this.
It's not going to get any better unless you leave him, I'm afraid.You deserve to be treated far better than this.
Keep your distance when his kids are around and let him alone parent, including doing everything for them, you have your own to care for.

It's not personal. Step families rarely work. I got really fed up of my DDad trying to get together with his DW's kids, and we were all young adults. We just weren't interested in each other.
What benefit does the situation bring the children? You love their DDad and are motivated to make the relationship with his children better- because you are in a relationship with him and you have CHOSEN this. They didn't choose for their parents to split up. They didn't choose a step mum or step siblings. These things have been thrust upon them and are outside their control.
The DCs might want their dad to be happy ( abstractly!) but they haven't gone out to seek a step mum or step siblings. Although it is not personal, they resent you simply because you remind them their family has been broken up and it's very very painful for them.
Just accept there'll be no fairy tale ending. And, in many ways, they sound just like ordinary teenagers- moody, unpleasant and uncommunicative. Many behave like this with their own families.

Clinging on to dad and not speaking to OP?

That’s not my benchmark for normal teen behaviour.

I read your post and totally sympathise. Sometime I honestly doubt that the stepfamily dynamic can really work at all. It always feels to me the way you are describing. sympathy!!

@El0die - in fairness I don't expect a happy ending. But what I would hope for is that every now and then his kids could get over themselves for want of a better phrase.
My kids had a very tough time post divorce but made efforts with their sm for their dad's sake & did similar for me. Just as I make an effort with their friends & girlfriends - different but also the same, it's about respecting the choices or the people you love. His kids aren't young anymore & I feel they should have more cop on & empathy at this stage.
Dp & I deliberately don't force the kids together all the time as we realise it isn't fair & that they didn't ask for it - but I don't think it's too much to ask that once in a while they put their parents first a little. If my kids can be mature enough to do this then I feel his should be able to do similar.
I have in previous years as a single parent taken my 3 and my nephew (at the time two teens, a pre teen & a young child) on holidays alone & while there were teen moments, it was nothing like what I experienced this year so I don't think it's just normal teen behaviour - I think it's very pointed.
I agree dp is at fault & I think what @LatentPhase & @SandyY2K have both said is very pertinent. However dp is not a Disney dad - he does all the parenting - I absolutely do not parent his kids, pays his way in this home & when I said I do Christmas/birthdays what I meant is that I participate/send my own cards/gifts etc. independent to what dp does. Dp makes a great effort with my kids which they reciprocate, but while I & my kids make an effort with his we get no effort back. Dp's greatest 'offence' is that he - along with his exw - seems incapable of guiding his kids through this & as a result I feel like me & my kids are increasingly caught in the dregs of what was his old life as he's too afraid to rock the boat & call out certain behaviours - classic 'nrp who doesn't get on with ex' stuff.
Anyhow - it's safe to say I won't be going on anymore joint holidays - no matter what the circumstances.

choices of

@Magda72 I think you're quite lucky that they don't live with you. At least you can choose to take separate holidays and limit your involvement.

I think I would end the relationship? It sounds like your do works alot AND spends weekends with his kids. His kids create an awful atmosphere and don't communicate with you or your kids. As a result, you intend to holiday separately and not spend Christmas together. I couldn't be doing with that at all. What's the point?

Hi Magda,
When I first read your post, I was going to suggest disengaging, but then I thought about my own son.
When he was little, he would totally refuse to talk to adults, he was basically mute. Only this year, I realised that it's called "selective mutism". He's been living with my DP for 3.5 years now and they barely communicate. They say hello, if my DP asks something, my son answers "yes" or "no" and that's it. My DP has been bringing my son to school for 2 years now. Last year, he was bringing him to sport and giving him advice. But my son still doesn't feel comfortable enough talking to him beyond that. My DP obviously feels hurt and labeled him as "uncaring about adults", "uninterested", etc. But I know it's not true, my son does ask about him and even told me that he loved him, but he's extremely shy with him (yet, he's totally normal with me or his friends). This Father's day, he didn't wish him anything (the previous years, he would always bring him the craft they did at school, but this year, they didn't do it). My DP was hurt (not that his children wished me anything). The next day, it took me 15 min (!) of encouraging him to go to wish him something. He was too shy. After he did it, he said he felt good. When we eat together, there are 2 conversations: me and my Dp and me and my son. It's painful and dissapointing for me, I try to make them interact, it doesn't feel natural most of the time, but I continue...

I asked my DP not to give up on him. Because once he labels him as "uncaring about adults", it's easy to just give up. He even tried to stop saying hello "to see if my son will do it first", but my son won't. He'll just feel abandoned.

My DP is reserved and spends most of his time in his office in the basement. He always either works, does renovations or goes visiting his kids, so I do feel that there could have been more effort, especially since he's the adult. But I do work on my son and I know it's not parenting, it's his personality. I'm bringing him to a psychologist and things are better now (we noticed more elaborate answers to questions lol). Actually my son has a friend who's extremely shy, he's mute with me and if I ever ask something, no matter how easy, the answer is "I don't know".

My DP also tells me that his kids talk to me, 2 out of 3 of them are outgoing, but they talk about things they want and don't really listen when I talk and they have also been rude and bossy with me, which is not better. And I remember going to a chalet with them all + DP's mom and niece who came from Spain, and I felt absolutely alone. Nobody would engage with me, they would be either on their phones or talking between them in Spanish. So much for outgoing.

Anyway, I don't know what are the chances that the 3 of your DP's kids would be shy and I do hope that by 16/19, even a shy person can learn to have small talk, but I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I really do work on my son and the progress is very slow. If you suspect that it's the case there and not deliberate rejection, my advice is not to take it personally.

I also dreamt about a happy family, but even the "outgoing" SD hurt me with her rudeness and despite caring about her, coming EOW didn't make her feel like we are a family and I felt it very clearly when our baby was born. It's like there were 2 camps, daddy and his children (including the baby) and me and my son, as opposed to being a blended family.

My decision is to concentrate on my children, but not taking anything coming from SC personally and treating them well, because that's what a decent person would do.

Teenage brains developmentally cannot do much empathy so it's not reasonable to expect this - unfortunately! After the age of 25 this is no longer a viable excuse. Lack of empathy is not their fault at this age and isn't something they can will into being, just something that you need to accept.

I don’t agree with Snog

Long term partner of 5 years who is pleasant and easy going should be respected and spoken courteously to. Loved? Nope. Enthusiastic about the stepfamily set up? Nope. But. Know by age 19/16/13 that the setup is by no means uncommon in life (plenty of peers will be in the same situation) and be respectful of that person. Which means not being rude (walking off as soon as your dad goes to the loo? Really?). As soon as kids can learn table manners they can do this. Teen or not. It’s about values. A DP who’s okay/defensive with that still has one foot in his previous life I think and that’s a problem. He is not ‘all in’.

My DP’s dd really struggles in life, she’s on meds for mental health, out of education, but even she is respectful and chatty (as is her brother) and I would really struggle and question the wisdom of the relationship if this were not the case.

SavingSpaces2019 nailed it. This is a problem created entirely by your 'D'P.

I agree that they should be respectful no matter the age, but not chatty. My son at 11 just can not be chatty, not yet at least.

Your kids sound lovely and you are clearly a nice person. This is great, but it can be very unsettling for kids who are not as confident and comfortable in their skin and being around naturally happy, kind and just perfect in many ways can bring the worse in those who are not yet feel constantly compared.

I agree that sometimes, you just can't mix step kids together when they are so different. One will just naturally feel belittled and will respond unpleasantly accordingly. It's hard for the parent who want them to be respectful to those who treat them well but also sympathise for them because they just are not such pleasant teenagers but still loveable in their eyes.

age 19 is pushing it, surely.. following your dad everywhere and nipping off when dad goes to the loo. That’s bound to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

But this is an aside really. It’s the DP who is accepting this. He is not ‘all in’ with OP.

I think what @LatentPhase & @SandyY2K have both said is very pertinent

Yeah... they have poor social skills. You see adults like this in the workplace too. Its like they are oblivious to their surroundings and how to behave.

I wonder if they have friends and what their interaction with them is like, or if it's only their interaction with adults that's the problem.

Like I said upthread, I'm sure your DP is embarrassed with their behaviour, but would never admit it.... least of all to you.

I've got a relative on DHs side and getting conversation out of them is like getting blood from a stone.

I try to converse and be social at family gatherings, but it got draining and exhausting.

I'd say it improved after we'd been together 15 years and this is an adult we're talking about.

I know DH felt a bit embarrassed about it, as my family are all friendly, fun and social. They also tried to converse with this relative in family gatherings and it was hard work.

Some people just don't have the social skills most of us take for granted... or as DB says...common sense isn't always that common.