Don't think of DF's wife as step-mother

[Politicalacuityisathing]

Please give me an insight - my DF and DM had a very acrimonious divorce 20 years ago. I was in my 20s and had left home. My DF remarried. His wife is part of my family, an important part of my children's life but I would never describe her as my step-mother. Her DC are not my step-siblings in my view, although again I would consider them part of my extended family and they are close to my children. I feel strongly that, as an adult, I should be able to define my relationship with them. My DF disagrees and insists they are step-family and should be described as such. There is a huge back story of me seeing my DF as being selfish and not empathic. So I find it hard to know if I am kicking against his need to control by defining my own terms or if it is fine for me to do this. Thoughts?

Thank you everyone for posting. I'm going to leave this thread now.

@HeckyPeck I really appreciate your thoughts. That's kind of where my conflict is. I doubt myself and think "what would it hurt me to just accept this". But then I realise he should be asking himself that - why is he insisting I change the way I describe them? He can define things any way he likes but he can't - and shouldn't want to - define my terms.

It has made me think though perhaps that both of them need a more explicit confirmation - yes you are our family and an integral part of my children's upbringing.

She’s never mothered you as a child so no she didn’t play any sort of a mother role to you.

She plays a mothering role to your kids though doesn’t she and you let her and you appreciate it.

Problem is, how are you going to explain to your kids about the issue YOU have with calling her a stepmother. And that’s what this post is really about isn’t it?

I can see your point but actually why is it so important to YOU about labels. You are trying to tell everyone here that it is your father who has a problem with labels, but the way I see it, it’s both of you.

You’re just not being that upfront and honest about it.

I'm a " step mother " in the legal sense but I'd never dream of calling myself that. DHs sons were in their 20 s when we married. I have never mothered them in any way . I just told them " Call me Birdie" and that cleared up any confusion.

In what circumstances is your father making the step family thing an issue Politicalacuityisathing?

As others have said, by being married to your father they are accurately described as step relations. But I'm struggling to to think when you would be expected to actually use the titles?

When you are with these people, I presume you call them by their names?

It depends on your relationship with her tbh. My SM had been in my life since I was young, but I had no warmth from her so just never referred to her as my SM. My DF tried to get me to refer to her as Sm for a long time, but it just felt awkward and fake to call someone my Sm who I didn’t really have a relationship with. Fortunately now I’m an adult I have a relationship with my DF separate to her so it’s no longer an issue as I don’t really see her. You should go with what you feel comfortable with, and never be pressured to accept someone into your life if you don’t want it.

I’m a SM and I don’t see the issue with not wanting a label.

DSD calls me by my first name and that’s fine by me. I guess when you’re older their role as parent is non existent in comparison to if your DF recoupled when you were younger.

I think it’s a bit confusing for children pushing ideals and labels on people who have been flung into their lives.

^ that said I feel strongly that my DC is DSD’s brother and not half brother, I know this is important to my DH too. I feel that I don’t want any halves^ when we’re all together as to me, it sounds like one member of the family is lesser and I don’t want any resentment between siblings. It’s funny how your mind plays things out.

It's just a way of referring to people in my mind. I have lots of step family as both parents have been married twice after their marriage to each other. My mums current husband lives in another country- we have met a few times but not often and I don't really know him. However I would refer to him as my step dad. His children I have never met, two of them I have awkwardly spoken to on skype once or twice one I don't even know what they look like but I would still refer to them as my step brothers and sisters as that is what they are.

What is it that your ddad actually wants?
You acknowledge her title but it's not like you'd call out 'step mum can I have a brew' doesn't roll off the tongue.
She's married into your family and you're pleasant to each other, seems fine to me.

A different perspective from myself might also help.

I am technically a SM and have been a part of DH's child's life from a young age.

So, in reference to the posts above I have been involved as what might be described as a parental figure.

However I don't use or like the term SM.

I am "DRM" to DH's child, also referred to as "Dad's wife".

I'm a mother to my own child and frankly wouldn't like (if such circumstances were to occur) for anyone to describe themselves as a mother to my child - whatever pre-fix they used.

DH's child has a Mum. She'll only ever have one Mum and this imho is how it should be.

I've a very good relationship with DH's child (now in her 20's) so please don't misconstrue this as part of any "distancing" on my part. Rather I think it's helped us to be closer because there's never been any ambiguity about the nature of our relationship. I'd be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me, but I am not and never will be a "mother" in any sense. I'm a very supportive and loving adult member of her family however.

It's not somethings that's ever really been discussed, rather it's how I've described myself and everyone else followed.

So as I said a different perspective and I think that as an adult you are quite within your rights to define the relationships in your life.

Ultimately it's the quality of the relationship that really matters, not how you choose to name it and your DF can "dress it up" as much as he likes but she's not, never been nor ever will be a "mother" in any sense to you. That's not being nasty, it's just a fact.

I was a SM but wasn't in any way a mother figure. I see it as a title only and had no problem with being referred to as Dad's wife. I find it weird that your Dad is pushing this.