SS Behavior

[penny03]

Hi everyone. I am currently in a blending situation, I came into the relationship with my son when he was the age of 1. My significant other entered our relationship with 2 daughters age 1 and 2 at the time. Our little ones are now 4, 4, and 5 and not long ago my significant other and I had a baby of our own. Since day one his oldest daughter has been a handful. She moved in with us pretty early into our relationship and from there the arguments between myself and significant have been constant and never seem to end and they're always over the same thing - his oldest daughter. His oldest has some severe and obvious behavioral problems and it was to the point during the school year there was rarely a day that went by where the school / her teacher was calling REGULARLY or she'd flat out be sent home and told she couldn't come back the following day. Him and I argue over the fact that I dont "mother" her the way HE feels is right. But like i stated earlier, she has behavioral issues and the way i go about parenting her is the way I feel I'd parent MY children if they were to EVER acted the way she does. She gets a kick out of breaking things and its rarely ever HER stuff but its more often than not my son, my daughter or own personal belongings from things I've had since high school that have sentimental value, to legit ruining soooo many of other items of mine, to breaking my kids toys. Shes loud all the time. She thinks everything in our home is hers. At this point, any and everything I say or do to try and correct her behavior I'm met with push back from her dad. It never fails. she also DOES NOT LISTEN. It doesn't matter how many times you punish her, take her toys, take her tv etc she just flat out doesn't care. In my situation its become extremely hard to form a bond with her. Shes literally in trouble or being told to stop doing something ALL day long. When shes around I legit feel as though I have to walk on eggshells to prevent from being accused or cussed over the "treatment" she received (per her dad). As i also stated earlier the school was continuously calling us about her behavior and has told her dad he needs to have her tested. I've suggested it and all he says is "im not putting my daughter on meds" which I completely agree with but at what point do we acknowledge that this child has an issue? I love her, but she is truly becoming annoying af and its becoming taxing to my mental health and feelings. Does anyone have coping methods or advice? Im struggling this point and just want to back off from the entire situation and allow him parent her without me being involved period.

@mcmen71 no. She’s typically with her and dad I about the same. Having a sit down might be a good idea. I don’t think her mom is aware of how of some of these things.

@PerfectPenquins sometimes a whooping is the only effective thing. Nothing else’s works for her. The school has said she needs tested but in order to do so they needs dads permission & he didn’t do the entire school year.

Hitting a child creates fear of being hurt by you, it's clearly not changing her behaviour is it?
Would you hit your husband if he didn't do what you asked?
So the school are saying she has needs that require an assessment to unpick and understand. Your husband is neglecting his child and a child who it seems likely has special needs is being physically punished for a disability.

What do you mean by effective OP? If you mean she will say sorry then you know that it's not genuine right?
As her carer you should be demonstrating the best ways to deal with strong emotions like anger, frustration etc If you smack her, you can't be surprised that she'll do the same.
Special Needs can have an inherited component. Was he ever tested? My mum does not believe in Special Needs so didn't get me tested - turns out I have Aspergers. Why is your husband in denial? Does he believe that he'll be labelled a bad parent? (This was my mum's thinking)

@PerfectPenquins it’s effective in the aspect of she actually calms herself & will listen or stop doing what she’s doing. She only gets hit if absolutely necessary. Example, if she decides it’s a good idea to climb the hallway closet to find something to play in (hair products, lotions, or when she decides to play in my own personal belongings) warning are always given and the final straw is what we call a “whooping” I wouldn’t say she fears us at all because she knows that’s the final result in her behavior and she continues anyway. She doesn’t care. I would like to assume she has ADD/ADHD or ODD. Her dad understands and agrees that there is some type of issue, I think he just wants to go about it his way which is his right as a parent. He was the same way as a child and his mom had him on meds which is why he pushes back on the idea of getting her help because he doesn’t want anyone trying to force him into putting her on meds.

@pikapikachu that last response was to you as well....

You speak of his right as a parent but it's his responsibility to care for all his daughters needs- denying her the assessment is neglect.
He needs to stop dwelling on his past and do his best for his daughter now. He can get professional advice and that doesn't mean he does everything recommended he can ask them why they recommend things and what outcome they expect. Then he can make an informed judgement. Right now he is being very selfish and not putting his child's best interests first.

@pikapikachu in your experience, if you remember as a child what was your behavior like? I’m going to look into Aspergers as something that may be the case as well.