Feeling rejected by DSD. How can I make this better?

[Carrottes]

I'll start with the back story...

DH is German and was with his childhood sweetheart from a very young age. He got a contract working in England in his early 20s and moved over with his GF. They had a baby but split up after a year or so as gf was finding it isolating and hard being away from her family. She moved back to Germany with their daughter and they carried on a long distance relationship for a couple of years but split properly when daughter was around 4yo (initiated by her as she had met someone new, although he is no longer in the picture).
DH stayed in England and travelled to Germany as often as possible to see Dd.

Fast forward one year and we met. We were together for a while before we introduced children etc (I have a son two years older than his DD). We got married 3 years ago and now live together.

At first it was okay with DSD as she seemed to like me and my son but as she has got older it's become more difficult.

She finds it hard seeing her dad living with us - which i totally understand but I was hoping as she got older it would be getting better rather than worse. We have her every school holiday and whenever dh gets two days off in a row he will fly over, rent an apartment and do school runs/normal life as much as he can. He works on weekends so can't see her then but I really must stress he tries his hardest to see her as often as he can given they live hundreds of miles apart. They FaceTime most days.

His line of work is quite specialised and there are no opportunities for him in Germany. This is why he originally moved here with his ex.

So to get to the point of the matter there have been a couple of things that have happened recently that have upset me and I just don't know how to deal with them.
Firstly... She has said that she wants another sibling but not from me with her dad, but from her mum and dad 😑.
DH and I have talked about having a baby together and on one hand I would love to but on the other I can see it causing a whole host of issues for her and I don't want that (but I'd really really like a baby...)

Secondly he booked some time off and went over for a long weekend for Father's Day to spend it with DSD and Ive just seen the card that she wrote for him.
Inside it said "I really love you. My heart is full with love for you and mum. Although I don't appreciate having Carrottes and her son around" and it went on.
DH doesn't know I've seen it yet.

I just feel so down about it. I don't know what to do. When she's here we get on well but now I think she must be faking it ??
I primarily feel sad for her that she misses her dad so much but I also feel upset because I feel like there's nothing I can do to make her like me more?? Apart from leaving DH of course, pretty sure she would love me then.

When she's over I make sure her and her dad get plenty of time on their own. It's not like I crowd them and try to muscle in on their daddy daughter time.

Ugh I'm feeling a real conflict of emotions. Sad for her but also a bit annoyed.

Wow sorry for the length of this I needed to vent. I'm not sure what I want out of it to be honest 🙈

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It's not your fault and you don't deserve it.
I hope your DH has been actively discouraging this kind of thing from his Dd. If he hasn't/isn't I would be re thinking this relationship.
I would say that your SD doesn't get to dictate if you do/don't have a baby BUT I wouldn't want to have one with a men who is allowing those kind of comments to go on...

Blended families..... I feel for you OP.

Your dealing with it better then I would. But its your life not the kids so if you want a baby then have one.

I wouldn't take it personally, or think that she doesn't like you, I think this is far more about not liking her parents being separated, and her trying to deal with a less than perfect family set up. I think it is healthy that she can express how she feels, and your DH should be able to discuss how she feels with her, while pointing out that it is not your fault that things are how they are, and that she shouldn't be unkind to you and your DC.

Does she know you are considering having a DC together? If so that may be making her feel insecure, and worried about her place in things in the future. I would go ahead and have another DC if that is what you both want, but make sure DSD is reassured that she will always be loved by all of you.

What a sad situation. Its hard on everybody involved.

How old is she? It seems she has fantasies of her parents getting back together...I wonder if it's all her own thoughts or if some of it comes from her mum.

I would imagine he kept a card with those words hidden, so as not to hurt your feelings. How did you come to see it?

I don't think there's anything you can do about it really.

When she said she wanted a sibling, did her dad explain it wouldn't happen with her mum?

Is anyone correcting these visions of hers? Because if not, she may think they'll get back together.

She probably just wants the kind of family she sees her friends have...with mum and dad together.

Thanks so much for the replies...

To answer the questions she's nearly 13 so it's possible the hormones are playing a huge part.

When she said about her mum and dad having a baby it was on FaceTime and I was sat the other side of the room quiet so she probably didn't know I was there. She said "I want a brother or sister!" Her mum shouted out in the background "well u better ask dad because he's got Carrottes and I don't have anyone" she then said "no way, one from you two!" DH just laughed it off and said "don't be so daft!" She just hmpfed at that

I agree she probably just wants what her friends have and is struggling with a blended family, especially one where her dad is so far away. A good thing (well not good lol) is that her best friends parents are recently separated and getting divorced now. She has asked if she can come over with this friend for a week at the start of the summer hols- unfortunately DH will have to be working through the days so it'll be me entertaining them 😬😬 I was looking forward to it at first now I'm a bit apprehensive. My German is pretty good (have been having lessons since I met him) and I can follow most conversations but I'm not great at forming correct sentences quickly in reply. Can't believe I'm actually nervous about it now lol.

I saw what she had written because dh had put the card on his bedside table when he got back last night, I read it this morn when he went off to work not thinking it would be private like that. I haven't mentioned it to him yet so I don't know if he would've addressed what she had written already

Oh and no we haven't mentioned having a baby to her. Her aunties and uncles face had a few babies between them recently so maybe that's given her the idea?

When she comes over for holidays does she get to spend time alone with her dad or are you and your son around too? Might help for your DP to take 2 weeks and go to Germany during the time he would normally have her. At 13 while I agree this probably isn’t personal (or against you) I think she probably is jealous and needs 1-2-1 time with her dad.

She's a teenager and really doesn't understand why the two people she loves most (her mum and dad) can't just make her world perfect and get back together. It sounds like her mum understands that she's struggling too, so could they sit her down together next time he's in Germany and talk as a united front, explain that they were young and they wanted different things. Perhaps her mum being single means she sees hope

But she has no memory of her parents being together, so it's not as though she wants the good old days back.

Frankly I would tell my husband that she comes to visit when he is free to spend all week with her. I wouldn't want to be put in the situation where two teenage girls were hostile towards me.

Her response she could be a bit cultural as well? English language is polite and ensures no one loses face and all, whereas German is a bit more literal?

I would say you can't look after her and her friend. DH has to take time off or they don't come. I hope your DH has told her how nasty she was in what she said.

Don't let this put you off having a baby soon. She'll have to put up with it.

If her mum has recently become single it is possible dsd now fantasizes that her dm & df will get back together, but it does seem a little odd that she's so fixated on it. My dd is also 13 & her dad & I also split when she 4 & she has no recollection of us being together & thinks the idea of us having been together is quite funny (as we not very well matched lol).
For some reason your dsd has a fantasy going on in her head & for her sake your dp & her dm really need do address it. Brushing it off is only giving the girl false hope.
Your bigger issues imo are that your dp seems to be allowing her to scapegoat you by not calling her out (in a nice & age appropriate way) on what she's saying about you. That behaviour is just not on & terribly unfair on you.
I also (like others here) don't think you should be minding her (& her friend) during the holidays while dp works. If things were more settled & if dates just couldn't be coordinated I'd say fair enough so long as you don't mind, but given the circumstances you are (like so many sms), being put in a very awkward position regarding holiday cover for dscs.

I don't think she was rude, she was expressing her feelings which she is perfectly entitled to.

Dad should, however, talk with her about the fact that whilst he and her mum loved each other very much when they were together and both love her very much, this is no longer the case and that there is no chance of him and her mum being together ever again.

ALSO

I don't think it's fair on you to have the 2 girls for 2 weeks whilst your DH is working but I think a few days like that is not a bad idea. You can take them doing girly things - if they are interested. Window shopping in (to them) a foreign shopping centre may be something they would enjoy but your DH wouldn't or something else. Try and think of a few things and let them choose which - don't have to be girly girly but something that you are happy with but your DH less so.

If they are resistant then that's fine (if uncomfortable) if it's 2 or 3 days but 2 weeks would be intolerable.

Good Luck

Oh it's just one week in the holidays 😅
DH is trying to get half days that week so he will finish around 1pm so wouldn't be too bad.
I feel like if I say no to looking after them for that week then I will go down as the most evil step mum in the land and she will have reason to hate me!

When she's over I make sure they have plenty of one to one time. MiL has actually commented that maybe it's too much and she needs to get used to being in a unit of DH, me, her, DS and he panders to her a little too much.

I think there's a very thin line isn't there? It's tough to know if you're doing it right

What family unit? She is your DP’s child not your son, so she is entitled to his 1-2-1 time just as your son is entitled to the same with his dad. By pretending your son is his you aren’t doing either child any favours.

Of course they are a family unit. What a daft thing to say. A blended family but a family all the same.

She doesn’t see her father very much, and he lives in another country, so it’s not surprising that she isn’t keen on having a relationship with you, or your DS.

You could maximise her 1:1 time with your DH and continue to be kind to her, but work to reduce your desire for a close relationship, since she doesn’t want this now, and may never want this.

Her off the cuff comment about a sibling I would just put down to honesty, her difficulty with the situation, and her being a teen!

I doubt your H “panders” too much.

If he had considered parenting a high priority, he would have moved back to Germany.

What family unit?

I didn't say "family" unit but since you ask - The blended family unit we are living in.

She is your DP’s child not your son

Yes she is my DH's daughter, not son.

so she is entitled to his 1-2-1 time

Around 85% of the time she spends with her dad is 1-2-1. I don't mind increasing this at all but i was trying to explain others who know the situation inside and out (DH's mum) think maybe that's giving her chance to forget we exist and therefore not get used to the situation

just as your son is entitled to the same with his dad

Sadly my sons dad died when he was a baby but you weren't to know that

By pretending your son is his you aren’t doing either child any favours.

Where have I gave any impression I 'pretend my son is my DH's??'

If he had considered parenting a high priority, he would have moved back to Germany.

The mother chose to move the child away to Germany. Obviously she didn't consider it a high priority either.

I wonder does he go and stay with his ex when he goes over. I wonder if his daughter is confused by the boundaries here. If she sees her two parents getting on well and staying in the same house as a family, there isnt much seperation there

Branleuse no no he rents a serviced apartment which is very 'naice'. It's better than a hotel because there is a proper living space and kitchen so it's as similar to real life as possible. And he definitely does do that as I have the joy of seeing the invoices (!)

I think she just wishes, as a PP said, that the two people she loves most in her life would get back together. This is normal and I will try not to let it feel like a personal insult, it's not about me.
But I'm going to tell DH I saw what she had written as I'm interested as to what he would have said to her about it.
I know he wouldn't have wanted to upset her further of course but I do think she's at an age where he can and should be frank with her.

Of course I don't know how her mum is with regards to me and if that's rubbing off? She has said she doesn't want to meet me which I totally respect but she has also told DH she's happy with what she's heard about me (how I look after DSD when she visits) so I'm hopeful that nothing negative is going on in that sense

Mmm. You see if I was your DH, I wouldn't have put that card on the bedside. I know it doesn't make what she said disappear, but I think it was inconsiderate leaving it there.

Maybe seeing her mum single is giving her ideas.

I know how it feels when you have a child who loves you and your son and then changes. It happened with my SD who used to hug us and kiss us and tell us that she loves us. Then at 11, it changed. She didn't change towards my DP, so it was hard for him to acknowledge it and it took months for him to talk to her, so she stopped being rude and I even saw some niceness back.
I think your SD is old enough not to start imagining her parents getting back together especially since she doesn't even remember them together. At 13, they understand quiet a lot. And I think (and I told my DP about your story and he agrees) that your DH should talk to her and understand where these feelings are coming from and not just let these comments go. But I know that it's very hard for a loving father who doesn't see his daughter very much and whose daughter is ohh so sweet with him to tell her off.

My DP also thinks that spending 85% of the time with his daughter alone would actually cause problems. If she's used to being mostly with him and having his undivided attention (something that doesn't happen necessarily in intact families with several kids), she, as a hormonal teenage girl wouldn't like to share it with another female. You are his family and his mother is right. There's nothing wrong with spending time with your father and his new wife and her child (his step sibling).

I guess her attitude (if corrected) could be temporary, several step daughters report on these boards that they at some point "hated" the SM and then turned around. But just in case, no matter how hurtful it is, try not to take it personally. Give yourself some love, concentrate people and activities that you love and you'll feel better.

But it’s not 85% daily, it’s (OP estimates) 85% during her contact time with her father, which due to circumstances is limited.

Her father lives overseas, with OP and another child, OP’s DS. And may have DC with OP. Not an easy situation for anyone involved, but OP’s H and OP chose it, DSD did not.