Different access weekends to my my partner

[Lilyflower2000]

Hi

I have been with my partner for 2 years. We don't live together. We both have children. We both have our kids EOW but on different weekends, therefore meaning we never get a weekend without kids.
Our kids never get to spend time together because of this, and after 2 years they hardly know each other.
I feel like me and my partner also have had a fairly tough time getting to know each other as there is always a child around. I do get family to baby sit now and again but don't like to ask too much.
My partner doesn't really like to do things at the weekend with me and my kids if it's something his child might like too, as they would miss out. As you can imagine, this does mean that most of the time I'm doing things with my kids without him, and vice versa.
I have asked my ex if there is a possibility of swapping weekends, but as I expected, it was a no. This is fair enough as it is due to his work pattern.
I have asked my partner to see if his ex would be happy to swap their weekends but he has refused to ask her, as he says this may cause aggro and wants to keep the peace.
Does anyone have any ideas on how we can go forward? It is not ideal that we get no alone time, or that our kids never see each other (we do occasionally take our children for a bit on the weekend we don't have them to ensure they at least recognise each other lol, but that can't be a long term solution as it eats in to the ex's access time).

Thank you

I suspect this is probably more about getting their child free weekends to match up TBH.

I think its lovely that you're trying to find a way to blend you're families together and create a sibling bond between the children and I thinks that's a reasonable thing to think about after 2 years together.

I suppose what stands out from your post is your partner's reluctance to change things- is it really his ex if after 2 years you've no reason to think she would be difficult or is there another reason that he isn't keen. I think you need to get to the bottom of this first as you're a bit in limbo until you do

His children have asked on a few occasions now to meet up with mine, mine have extra curricular activities on the week days he has his kids x

Thanks tiptopj I feel like I'm being made out to be trying to force me and my kids on my partner and his, and it's not about that at all. We may decide to live together in a year, for example, to then find out the kids can't blend. I thought it would be nice for them to start to get to know each other. And yes of course, it would be lovely if me and partner ended up getting a bit of time together too.
I know his ex has been difficult in the past, so I have no reason to think he's using that as an excuse, but you're right in saying that it doesn't seem like a priority to him x

No problem hope all gets sorted to you x

Meant to add- being a step mum can be really hard sometimes and It would be lovely if the step parenting section of mumsnet could be about step parents actually supporting each other. I get that there are some awful ones out there but you sound like one of the good ones x

Tiptopj thank you - I'm trying x

I agree that lots of parents don’t get children free weekends, but the OP is trying to establish and build a new relationship. Either way if there is a solution to allow a couple to have child free time then it’s important to have that, lots of couples don’t and then wonder why their relationships have disintegrated

This thread must be like pulling teeth for the OP. Every single response is asking a question that she's already answered in the original post or in a subsequent one!

One thing I haven't seen you mention OP, is that you ask your ex to swap the weekend he has your dc? Is that not an option? You could just have a couple of things that fall on your ex partners weekend that you want to take the dc to, and ask him to swap.

Yearinyearout the OP's ex has his weekends to fit in with his work pattern.

OP you're getting a hard time here. Like a previous poster I wish this board was sometimes more supportive. It's a difficult situation - and the OP sounds like she's trying to do the best she can.

Of course parents who are still together have to find a babysitter - but they had child free time together before the children came along, to form their relationship. I can't see anything wrong at all in what the I is saying, she's trying to consider everyone.

And yes - why not want occasional child free time together? It's not a crime and plenty of parents get that.

For what it's worth OP, I'm in the same situation - we live together though, and have our children alternate weekends so rarely get child free time. I must admit though I prefer it that way - we have very different ideas on parenting - and it does create tensions when we are all together. I also like to see my kids on their own. We do holidays together etc, so they see each other then, and during the occasional swapped weekend (we are all pretty flexible about swapping weekends for various things).

Hope it works out for you OP. I agree that it's more about what your partner is willing to do / wants to do here. I'm sure you already have, but it might be worth discussing again what you both want from this relationship.

I don't think it's weird at all, makes perfect sense to swap weekends. Especially as your dp always worries about his kids missing out on stuff your kids do, and vice versa - makes sense for you to be able to do stuff all together if you want!

And you don't even live together so I can't see how people are acting like the idea is instrusive? Just having synced weekends means you have EVERY option - spend time alone with kids or with all kids - whereas your options are currently limited by the opposite weekends.

Only thing that might be an issue - is dp on board with the idea or does he prefer it the way it is? And if so why?

If I were you I'd be making the same suggestion you are, I think.

Also theyve been together 2 years. Step parent police - I'd really like to know when the 'appropriate' time to start spending family time is supposed to be!

Seems like some people don't think people should be able to move on and form a new blended family. apparently being a step parent is 'intrusive'.

I have step dad and was way happy when my mum found him as it was like having a bigger family, and it was lovely!

Thanks to the last few posters, you seem to understand what I'm saying I'm trying to ensure that everyone sees their kids on their own, sometimes together, and also try and squeeze in a bit of time for me and my partner as it's so difficult trying to get to know someone otherwise. I also work full time, as does my partner. Both our kids have extra curricular activities too so our lives are pretty hectic.
If it seems to be working for you having different weekends then I'm quite hopeful hearing that. Me and my partner have different parenting styles too, and I never thought about that.
I do feel a little like I'm being made out to be the bad person here, but all I'm trying to do is ensure everyone is happy x

I think it is quite appropriate to try to get the children's weekends sync-ed. At least then there is an opportunity to get to know each other.

My DP and I have 4 DCs between us. We sync-ed weekends after 9 months. Neither ex would have been happy with an immediate change of weekends. So we asked one (DP's ex) if we could sync in 3 months time, after a half term holiday. Fortunately DP's ex didn't have syncing issues of her own, so reasonable advance notice was sufficient to make a change agreeable. We offered her two weekends in a row (so she didn't lose any leisure time with her kids) - namely the weekends at the beginning and end of half term. Meanwhile we saw the kids for several days during the half term holiday week (so there wasn't a huge gap between visits). On the weekend after half term, we were on a sync-ed cycle.

We also sync-ed Christmas after a few years. To do that, DP offered his ex two Christmas-es in a row.

To keep the blended family dynamics in check, from the start we gave the kids the open offer to have a separate weekend if they were finding blended family life difficult. In several years of living together, only one child took up this option and only for one night. On that occasion, DP stayed with his child at his house (which he still had). Nowadays if a child needed some time apart, one of us would stay with them at friends, family, or a Travelodge/B&B. DP and I are pretty careful to make sure each child seems happy enough with the activities we do as a family, and gets enough time with each of us. And since the kids only see each other EOW and school holidays, they don't actually want to reduce their time together. It adds interest to their lives; like cousins. I think they also respect the time the rest of the family likes to spend with each other (eg the other 3 kids with each other, and with DP and I), so they would only pull the other people apart if they were unhappy (not just because staying in a B&B sounded fun).

I don’t think the OP is being selfish at all. If you want a casual relationship then yes, keep things as they are. If however you could see your relationship developing and want to live together in the future how on earth you would just do that and then expect the kids to follow suit? If your partner’s ex was willing to change weekends I’d suggest having one weekend a month with your kids on your own and one weekend a month spending time all together.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My ex wasn’t in a relationship and flatly refused to change weekends. Then he met someone with no kids so I asked him again and he had no other option other than to agree!

But I did have to wait until the following year when our plan was put together so as to not disrupt what had already been agreed.

OP like a PP indicated when do you review when and what school holidays you have with your children? My partner has to do his every year this means the weekends may be moved to ensure the hand overs aren't done strangely.

I suspect with your ex he's scared of bringing it up with his partner because he wasn't straight from the beginning over contact with your children and she is fed up off all the trouble it has caused her. Lots of men seem to be damn useless when it comes to dealing with matters involving their children.