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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Useless biomum

40 replies

Stepmummy2208 · 05/04/2019 09:58

Hi everyone.
I've been a step mum now since 2016 and although it's not very long by other half has full custody of his son so we have him full time. Mum is useless. We ensure little one goes to a grandparents every weekend to see the other side of the family yet half the time she doesn't bother seeing him. She messaged the other day saying it would have been nice to have a mother's Day card but didn't even bother going to see him on mother's Day!!! 😤
I'm reaching the end of my teacher with holding stuff in and ignoring her let downs. I've in no way tried to replace her bit because he loves with us naturally I've took on mum role in a bigger prospect. I don't allow him to call me mum.
But anyway back on track if I was to say something to her like get your **together would I be prodding a bear. I fully down for a right tbh because I've had enough but I don't want to be perceived as the bad one when she clearly is! To this day he's still not received his Christmas presents. We asked for a bit of maintenance £30a month (£1 a day) back in January purely to go into a savings account for him and she's not paid a single thing again to this day. Not has she provided uniform for school because we decided to keep her involved etc so we said she could take him shopping for shoes etc and still nothing.
What do I do? My other half would rather ignore it and bury his head a bit and it drives me insane

OP posts:

grincheux · 06/04/2019 15:05

@00100001 'letdowns' have been mentioned with no detail, but not simply not turning up. I'd like to know a bit more of the story really - at the moment it just sounds like it's all on DH and the new lady's terms and mum might feel a bit pushed out, compounded by mental health problems.

poppingoff · 06/04/2019 16:05

@grincheux

She could at least call or facetime and explain she's not coming.

That's seems to imply she's just not turning up

poppingoff · 06/04/2019 16:05

But I agree, don't set his expectations. If she does turn up, bonus.

Skincaresos · 06/04/2019 16:14

"biomum"??? you mean she's his mum, (even if she is useless) what a weird phrase to use

Bankofenglandfiver · 06/04/2019 16:20

If she has to have supervised access, there’s obviously something quite serious going on.

grincheux · 06/04/2019 16:52

What a her relationship with her parents like? Would she avoid their home regardless of whether her son was there or not?

Foxmuffin · 06/04/2019 20:32

I can’t believe the suggestion to “reach out” to the Mother. Not only does the OP need to adjust her life and open her home full time to parent this child she’s supposed to attend to the Mothers mental health, no! OP is a person with needs too and it sounds like she has enough on her plate without taking on additional demands on her time and resources.

I don’t have any advice, expect be led by your DH and offer support, but otherwise try not to get too consumed by all this and make some time for you too. Don’t lose yourself to this situation and make sure you get some you time and couple time.

Foxmuffin · 06/04/2019 20:33

Why does everyone get a hett up about terminology?

I’m a step mum to my step child and a bio mum to the child I birthed. It saves confusion and is succinct in description for these posts.

CanILeavenowplease · 06/04/2019 20:40

‘Bio’ is a prefix used in fostering and adoption situations. It is not hard to understand why it is offensive to some, even if it doesn’t bother you personally.

Foxmuffin · 06/04/2019 20:53

Given the mother in question is barely involved in this child’s life the term seems entirely appropriate.

Dreamingofhome · 07/04/2019 08:22

For the sake of your own mental health, you need to step back a little. Let the father deal with this. Even if you do not think he is not doing enough or tiptoeing around the mother. He knows her better than you do. He probably knows it is not worth the hassle. The woman has mental health problems. Just accept she won’t have much of a relationship with her son. At least not for now. Accept there is nothing you can do about it.

Do not raise the boy’s hope about when he’ll see his mother next. Just package it as him visiting his grandparents. Stop expecting maintenance from the mother. You know you will not get any. Stop stewing about it and carry on with your life. I can sense a lot of resentment from you towards the mother. You need to stop that destructive path. It won’t help you or your relationship with your stepson or even your partner. I imagine your partner already feels guilty to some extent in terms of his choice of former partner/ mother of his child. He doesn’t need you piling on. Support him and his son as much as you can but not to the extent where you feel resentful doing so. Parenting the boy is the father’s responsibility (and the mother’s of course but she has her demons to deal with at the moment). You cannot change this.

I hope the mother gets the help she needs, for the benefit of her son.

swingofthings · 07/04/2019 11:25

You clearly care about this child a lot and feel upsetting for him. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated with her behavioiu.
Sadly some MH disorders are the reason why people act like this and might indeed be what prevents her from being the mum she too wished she was.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 12:15

It's obvious the mum has issues. Serious enough that not only the dad has custody, but she can't see her son on her own. There might be an element of won't bother, but the main factor is that she can't due to MH. This is not your problem to sort. It also shouldn't be your priority.

You priority is your SS and his wellbeing. Don't get his hopes up about contact, send him to GP as you normally do and your OH needs to let her know he will be there. He can also text and ask if it's a good time to FaceTime, he can make an effort to help DS and his ex out. Don't slag her off, don't point out her failings, be it contact or money not sent or absences from parent teacher meetings etc. Explain to SS that she is really poorly (regardless if you believe it or not). He needs to know none of this is his fault, that he is loved, he is important.

Firefliess · 07/04/2019 19:52

Probably best to separate out the things you can control from the things got can't.

You can't make his mum well, or make her more able to care about her son. You can't totally prevent your DSS being hurt by this, though you can limit the damage.

You can accept that you're the one who's being his mum for now and do the best job you can of it. You can try you reduce your DSS's expectations or have back up plans in mind for if his mum lets him down. You can apply though the child maintenance service to collect money from her. Even if you can manage without this money it may help you feel less resentful, and money is always helpful surely?

Khob · 13/04/2019 09:26

Not making excuses for her OP but if these are significant MH issues she has, then she may never be able to 'pull it together' for her son. You need to focus on him and hard as it is try not to get angry.

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