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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dad moved in, adult children not happy

37 replies

Foslady · 10/03/2019 10:54

Anyone have any good books/blogs/webpages I can get help from? Daren’t post on here due to the bloody media using these pages for lazy journalism but suffice to say it’s kicked off and our relationship being put up as one of the reasons for it happening. If they were younger I could understand more, but as young adults who were happily living their own lives, dipping in and out with their dad as and when, and have both been made abundantly clear that they are welcome any time they are now very unhappy and have kicked off at their father.
It’s the first time their dad has been in a relationship with someone with a younger child living at home. I work full time and I’m not reliant on their dads money but even that has been commented on.
Any help to get us through this would be appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Foslady · 10/03/2019 15:27

I can only think that this is the first time he’s been with someone with another child younger than them - and it’s maybe hurting that he’s here with us and they didn’t have that, I don’t know, I may be wrong but if that is it, I totally understand why they are upset - but if it is the case, what on Earth can we do to make things right? Our Live’s haven’t altered, we’re not suddenly buying things and going places (although we had a day out for dd’s Birthday, but I always have done that - should he have stayed at home and just the pair of us gone out for the day? - and I don’t mean that sarcasticly, but whereas they can meet up in the pub for their birthday’s, my dd is underage to drink, it’s not a treat for her)

OP posts:
ADarkandStormyKnight · 10/03/2019 15:43

first thing I knew was when one of them posted their hurt on Facebook.... that would seriously piss me off!

ApolloandDaphne · 10/03/2019 15:46

How old are his children? They sound very immature.

stealthmode · 10/03/2019 15:56

Op. Don’t sweat anything right now. You’ve been on the scene for 30 months as a friend and then a partner. They were told beforehand. They are adults who weren’t even staying over at their dads. And they post their hurt on Facebook? What are they? 14?

Ridiculous behaviour. Don’t rise to it. Continue to remain calm behind the scenes and wait until your DP is back and has spoken to them. There’s nothing you can do until then. Something has been stirred up somewhere and they have to talk to their dad about it.

Sounds like an adult tantrum to me. Don’t give it any further braintime.

Original poster
Foslady · 10/03/2019 16:00

ADarkAnd StormyKnight that was our initial reaction but we refused to get sucked into the drama. Their dad is really upset about it all - he honestly thought everything was ok with us all, then this. This weekend away is hobby based and a one off that he’s wanted to do for ages, the first night was awful for him, but I talked him down and pointed out that there is nothing he could do from where he is now and to step away from it, enjoy the rest of his time away and let them all have some space to breathe and take it from there in person. (Hope that was the right advice)

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 10/03/2019 16:05

Hi OP.

You say that your DP had relationships after breaking up with his children's mother, and before moving on with you.

Did his children know the women and any children that they had/have?

Original poster
Foslady · 10/03/2019 16:06

The Facebook thing didn’t really surprise me tbh.

Thank you @steathmode, that’s what I’m hoping. This is the first relationship I’ve had in 9 years after my marriage failed. This guy is absolutely lovely to and with me (I have anxiety and he knows how to talk me down - he’s done wonders for my mental health). The last thing I wanted to do was come between him and his children. My dd has had issues with her dad so I am very conscious of not wanting to upset anyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Foslady · 10/03/2019 16:08

Yes Autumncrow, any long term relationship they were included in and met their children (which have all been older than them).

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 10/03/2019 16:26

They may have 'Dad Relationship Fatigue', ie being asked to form friendships with women and their children, obviously at the request of Dad, but from whom their father then moves on when he's ready.

Their father may be ready to form new relationships and then to move on - but his DC are always going to be caught on the back foot about it.

If this pattern started before they were adults ... well, it must be pretty grim. P!us, they'll think he's not going to stay with you.

WhiteCat1704 · 10/03/2019 16:29

I would say it's very likely about money. Some adult (step)children are very entitled. In their mind their father has no right to move on and have a life. He should forever be on their back and call and should never, ever put any resources into things other then them especially not into a women or their child.

I would ignore. Their father has to deal with them. If they start excluding you from family events, insist your OH shows up without you etc. and he is complicated then you have a real problem.

HeckyPeck · 10/03/2019 18:47

Ridiculous behaviour. Don’t rise to it. Continue to remain calm behind the scenes and wait until your DP is back and has spoken to them. There’s nothing you can do until then. Something has been stirred up somewhere and they have to talk to their dad about it.

Agreed

Livelovebehappy · 10/03/2019 21:03

Not necessarily money related. Guessing if he moved in with you from rented, then he doesn’t have wads of spare cash. Maybe he’s been a crap father to them in the past, and they feel resentful he is playing happy families with your dc? Just because you’re adult it doesn’t mean you don’t have hurt or resentment about a parent. You may think it’s about you, but it may well just be ongoing issues with DF which they are projecting onto you.

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