Letting your child hang out at the ex's house

[Anuta77]

My DH's two sons (16 and 18) no longer come to stay with him on weekends. Both stopped doing it when they reached 16. No problem with their relationship, just concentrated on friends and girlfriends.
My DH still goes to visit them in their house every week (EOW, it's twice) and stays for an hour or two. He's close to his ex who grew up in an unstable environment and decided that my DP is the closest person she has. So they are like "brother and sister", so I guess because my DH can come anytime he wants, SS don't have the motivation to come to our place, unless there's a special invitation.

That means that SS rarely get to see our toddler.

I'm curious about opinions. If your DH had a good relationship with ex, would you be ok if he took your child to his ex's place to connect with his kids. Of course, the ex would be playing the nice aunty.

I don't think the old pair will be remotely interested in seeing your tot. Have they asked your DH to bring him?

Yes, not only they were excited about the idea to have a baby brother, but the youngest one even started coming every weekend for the first weeks after his birth.

The rare times they see him, they are playing with him mostly. I saw one SS taking pictures of his mother holding my son and selfies the three of them together. So they are not indifferent.

And yes, they are asking about him sometimes and my DH shows them videos and informs them about new things he does.

For my DH bringing our son to their house would be the most normal thing.

Yes I'd let your DC go and I'd also pop in on your own or go with him too.

Yes it is really great that they all have such a good relationship and if your dc is part of that too then so much better.

My dh and his ex had/have a terrible relationship but if she meets my children she will always be really nice to them and interested in what they are doing. It's a small thing but helps the whole fragmented family feel a bit more together.

HarryPotter, and is the ex nice with you too or only with your children?

For some reason, I'm feeling uneasy with the idea, I feel that it's better on neutral ground or in my presence.

She and I are civil. We have no truck with each other any more (for a long while I was the wicked stepmother who was to blame for the the wrongs in the world and she was the mad,never satisfied thorn in my side) so we would smile and say hello, how are you? No more as we are not friends but certainly not throwing daggers at each other. I don't think she and dh even greet each other which is sad for their dc

I understand why you feel uncomfortable with this.

It really would be nice if the SS could come over to your house.

That's the selfish nature of teenagers. They don't want to go out of their way.

I'm checking - your DH is their dad, right?

So, your question is whether you should "let" him take his son to see the half-siblings at their home?

Does he need your permission for every aspect of his parenting?

I know that's a bit challenging, but I really find this an odd question. By all means encourage his kids to your home more often, but the negative answer to your question is that your husband isn't allowed to take his own son to see his siblings. Which would be just weird.

I would allow it, probably wouldn't want it to happen ideally but it's his son and he wants him to see his brothers.

When I had my baby my stepson invited his mum into see the baby, he was 4 days old and the last thing I wanted was this woman and her kids (stepsons brothers but not from my husband) in my house cooing over my baby.. but to the kids it isn't weird.. it's normal.

If they all get on and there's no conflict or atmosphere then you don't really have reason to say no.. blended families have their challenges and I think as adults we just have to suck it up and accept it. I can't stand my husbands ex.. but we all play happy families and smile nicely for the kids.

My question would be are you able to go along or would you be excluded from visiting?

If you’re allowed to go too, I’d go maybe once a month (& go to a nearby park maybe?) then invite them over to yours once a month too so they can see him in his home.

If you’re not able to go too, then I’d say no. It would feel it’s more about playing happy families all together and you shouldn’t be excluded from that.

Does he need your permission for every aspect of his parenting?

I find this an odd question. He's not asking for permission and I asked out of curiosity. Parenting is not bringing your child to places, it's taking care of a child and educating them. And in a relationship, both people decide how to parent. So if let's say, my DH is uncomfortable with a certain person for whom it's not at all necessary to be around my child, I wouldn't bring him around that person. My SSs are big guys who are not attached to their house, they travel long distances to visit girls, so sending my child there is not obligatory.

Based on the responses here, it doesn't look like it's happening a lot. It seems that exes might be in contact with SM's kids only when during drop offs or pickups, but this doesn't happen here, my DH does all the travelling.

I would do whatever I could for the children to all have a good relationship with one another. I think your DSSs are at an age where they aren’t likely to put themselves out for your DS so your DH going to them is what will work best of all and it means the three boys will hopefully have a good friendship and bond as they all get older.

I also invited ex#2 to visit with SD and her son from previous relationship and she brought along the SS who are sons from ex#1. But it was a one time thing.

I feel that DH's relationship with both exes (who are apparently friends now) is more than about the kids. They tell him their personal stuff, they call each other for birthdays (even for our son's), holidays, give each other gifts, he shows them videos and pictures of our son, he even told them about how the birth went and whether I had milk. I'm not actively excluded from going to their houses, but I'm not really included, when I go, nobody really talks to me.

And both exes are very touchy feely, so if my son goes there, it would be definitely like playing happy families without me. That's why I'm torn. I of course don't see why his sons can not come to our house from time to time.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin,
I do want them to have a good relationship, so I'm exploring options. In the past 6 months, I organized a couple of dinners at our place (even invited the ex so that it's easier for them to come) and I went twice to their place. I'm thinking that my DH could make more efforts inviting them here (like organizing a game night), it's not something he's used to doing, but we can also create new traditions I suppose.

It sound different from a lot of set ups but no less valid if it works. I found being the older teenage kids from the first marriage hard work and some of the nicest memories are of dad dropping us home and my mum letting him and our little sisters (approx 14 yrs younger so about 4-7yrs) come in - they would go on our trampoline and my mum would make dad a cup of tea and offer a biscuit.

Looking back on it I am sure it was led by us wanting to create an overlap for our sisters and dad into our world, but we just thought it was fun. I have no idea how awkward it was for my mum - dad wouldn’t have felt awkward - but she was so graceful and kind and welcoming. It means a lot to us now that our mum is dead that our sisters knew her and liked her.

I think if you can step back from it being different and accept it you might find there are benefits in the long run to everyone’s relationship. Perhaps they like you but aren’t invested in having a relationship with you (sounds harsh but sometimes it just is like that). You might find it changes as they get older and grow into adulthood, and appreciate that you and their dad have them space to have the relationship with him that they have.

Hi @Anuta77 - I personally would find what you're describing quite odd & I'm speaking as a dm. My exh has two small children with his now dw & our kids are 13, 16 & 22. My 13 & 16 yr olds go to their dads house regularly but sometimes the 16 yr old will stay with me if he's lots of school work & needs some quiet.
I personally would not be happy if they stopped going to their dads but wanted their dad & younger siblings to visit them in my house. It's not that I'd have an issue with my exh being in my home but I would think they were being lazy & thoughtless towards their dad & their sm especially if their sm was excluded. I would feel like they were trying to reinforce the first family as the more important family. And, even if their sm was included I think it would be a very subtle undermining of her position - ie the main household is that of the first family & she's just an add on.
I don't think it's too much to expect your dscs to make an effort to see their dad & siblings (& you) in what is now their dads home.

Have you read Lisa Jewels The third Wife? I'm reading it now. Similar set up as in the ex's have a great relationship....

LadyFuschia,
It sounds very sweet. Was your SM welcome? And were you going to your father's house as a teenager?

Hi Magda72,
your post really touches me. I think DM rarely think about the ex's new family and they have no reason to of course.
I told DH that his sons could make an effort, maybe once a month or two months, but he says that at their age he was more interested in his friends than his family, so it's his job as a father to go see them if they don't feel like staying with him. They do come if he needs their help, which is very rare.
Last summer he took them on a trip and on the way back they decided to pass by our house to see the baby, since they were already in the car. It was a spontaneous decision and they just assumed that I would be home, but I wasn't. I was far, but I could've made an effort to hurry to go back, but somewhere deep inside me, I felt that it wasn't special.

HarryPlotter ,
You got me interested! I'll look for it.

No. No and again, No.

I have this exact situation. I let it go on but it’s an awful dynamic. It’s basically being treated as the outsider whilst your DP, his Ex and their kids together parent and play happy families with your child.

Not good! On so many levels I can’t even begin to say.

However I felt forced into it for a while, with DP adamant that his children needed a real relationship with our child, their brother. Well they can bloody well visit the house then!

I would feel like they were trying to reinforce the first family as the more important family. And, even if their sm was included I think it would be a very subtle undermining of her position - ie the main household is that of the first family & she's just an add on. Magda has it spot on here. I wish I’d read this when my DSDs stopped visiting. I would have felt a lot stronger.

I think most SM's would feel anxious about what you're describing OP. I think I might be OK with it your DH was visiting his DC for a birthday or Xmas but not as a regular arrangement.

My DSD's half sibling has come here to play a couple of times when Mum dropped DSD off and he's wanted to. DSD's Mum took one of our DC to the theatre with her youngest once, DSD wasn't even there but it was fine, I think she just had a spare ticket. Crucially though, DH wasn't involved on any of the occasions; it was an arrangement I made with DSD's Mum so I was in control iyswim.

hi Bananasinpyjamas11,
I remember your post.
Both times when I went to the ex's #1 house, she and SS were taking selfies with my baby. Or SS was taking pics of her holding my son. She even wanted to post them on facebook, but luckily (after having a boundary related issue with me the previous year), she had the decency to ask DH if I would mind her doing it and I said yes.

Ex#2 took pictures with my baby as well and send them to DH. What made her think that he needed a picture of her with my son?

Both SS (16, son of ex#1) and SD (12, daughter of ex#2) wanted to bring their moms close to our baby and they are not little kids.

All made me feel uncomfortable.

Crucially though, DH wasn't involved on any of the occasions; it was an arrangement I made with DSD's Mum so I was in control

I totally understand this. If it was me making arrangements with exes, I would have no issue. It's the feeling that you're unimportant. Some take it well and don't care about it. Some need to feel important.