Step family, rtw and young baby. Sharing the load.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Hello, how do you guys split the load? I'm rtw next week and baby is 7 months old, I'm going back to work early as I'm earn more so can't cope without me at work.
Baby sleep is a nightmare still despite HV help and he's up four times in the night , his last wake at four ish am sees him up for two or three hours before settling again.
The current plan is baby will go to childminder one day, with dp (self employed) two days and then with me rest of the week. This was agreed when I was preganbt. Im doing compressed hours so three very long days.
Dp seems to think that I should continue to do all the night feeds/wakings every day of the week despite rtw. I feel we should split it so on days he is not working he should do them and I will do the rest. He dosnt think he should as he has school run on those day for his other children (baby will be going with him) and wants to do some extra work at night on days he has the baby. I can't just lie in like he can if he chosen and move my hours around which he does do, mine are fixed and I have to work when scheduled.
Is it normal to expect night waking to be split when rtw?

I have a tip- it could cross his tiny mind to feed her?
Seriously op do you think he is trying here?

And practice is the key, more seriously. Give them a list of things to have worked through and a time limit eg may not wake me within two hours unless it’s because you are calling 111, and the list is bottom, positions x y z tried for min 5 minutes each for wind etc, walked around for half an hour rocking gently, fed, check bottom again, etc. The things you do!

Op I think you have to have a really hard think about if this is what you honestly want?

I can say my life has been endlessly easier being a single parent than staying with dd’s horrid, useless dad (he’s also a much better parent now we’re apart!). The initial leap into being single was terrifying, but I can honestly say it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

You should be happy, this isn’t it.

Any tips for helping baby accept dp at night or is it just get them used to it with practice?

Yeah, that the adult gets his lazy arse out of his pit and feeds his child before his son is screaming his head off.

WTAF? What kind of total arsewipe excuse for a parent leaves his child to cry for an hour because they're too fucking lazy to feed him?

Now you know why his former relationship broke down - once a lazy arse, always a lazy arse.

LOL @ 'he needs a steer'. Bollocks. Bet he doesn't have to be steered like a car at work or he'd get sacked.

Wow, time, you'd think since he's already got kids he'd have figured all this out without a list . . . oh, wait.

I'll never understand why any woman would want to procreate with a person like this who's already demonstrated he's not interested in adulting like a normal person.

The baby is here so not helpful to comment on having him, like I said he's good with older ones he does homework, food lunches and school runs. No reason to think he was shit with kids pre baby tbf.
He is a bit firmer than me and isn't a on demand type parent but he n ex formula fed but ds is mostly breastfed bar occasional bottle now older.
A list might work of ideas that work for D's as all babies are different and some stuff I know he did with older ones, this baby didn't like

he's good with older ones he does homework, food lunches and school runs.

That's called being a parent, not being 'good'.

He is a bit firmer than me and isn't a on demand type parent

Dear god, you're talking about an infant here, not a recalcitrant teenager.

A list might work of ideas that work for D's as all babies are different and some stuff I know he did with older ones, this baby didn't like

Yeah, keep enabling him. He'll ignore your efforts, because, well, he can ignore his own hungry baby for an hour.

What a peach!

The baby will get used to it with him with time. Reassure him and tell him not to give up. Mine is 16 months old and I still breastfeed and he preferred me for a long time, but now, naps are much easier with Dad and when he wakes up at night, generally, he goes to sleep faster with Dad too. On other occasions, DS absolutely wants me, don't know why. It's just like that.

Anuta77 - thanks he is egtting better older he gets. Hopefully he will settle quicker with time with dp.
He won't ahve a choice some days anyway as I'm out of the house at 5am anyway

Hi OP

Your DP sounds similar to my DH.....and I had a baby that because of reflux was throwing up 3 or 4 times a night at 9 months. I remember being so tired I thought I was losing my mind.

What sort of worked for us was me going to bed very early and him going to bed very late. I'd then get up very early and he'd get up later. I'd go to bed at 9, he'd go to bed around midnight, I'd get up at 4, he'd get up at 7. It meant I'd usually get 4 or 5 hours in one stretch which was enough to keep me sane!

That was baby No. 1. DH was less helpful with baby No.2 and not at all helpful with baby No.3....should you be considering a No. 2!

Good luck.

Hang on? One thing I'm not clear on. He's self employed and will be having baby 2 days a week. He says he then wants to do some work in the evenings on the days that he has baby and this is partly why he doesn't want to be up during the night? Is he planning to work while he has baby? Because that is unlikely to be feasible (especially with 3 x 20 mins naps) and especially as baby gets older and more mobile. Possibly why he wants to do work at night time.

Assuming I've got the right end of the stick then I'm inclined to say that the childcare plan isn't feasible and that's the problem. Once returning to work night wakings should be as fair and equal as possible and if your childcare set up doesn't permit for that then something has to give.

I'm inclined to think though that mostly he sounds lazy in respect of his children and is looking for excuses. If he does genuinely need to work in the evenings perhaps everything needs reassessing as a whole.

I must say though I had the BIGGEST laugh at the bit about the school run. If only I had known that I shouldn't be getting up when baby woke in the night when I had to do the school run the next day! Dammit I've been doing it wrong for 2.5 years. All the time I could have just been sleeping instead and got DH to do it every night....wait that wouldn't have worked because he's a man and has a big important man job. And back in the real world my DH has been splitting the night load for years and I can't honestly say who does more - we go by how tired the other is, what the other person has on at work or how many children have been up in the night etc.

Should split it 50/50 imo. It never ceases to amaze me what some people let their make partners and husbands get away with, u wouldn’t put up with it and my OH would never dream of expecting me to do more than 50/50!

Have to say after some firm words he's been good. Had baby all night and day today while I was at work. Baby is very happy and seems content.
It's a big load of my mind, hopefully it's not just a reaction to me being cross and will continue.

In answer to the post about feasibility , he agreed he could do it pre baby birth etc. He can't afford half of the childcare bill if he doesn't. He just needs to get up earlier n be efficient, it's only the same as having a weekend for most people as he will work the sat/sun

That’s a great update OP.

Well done for giving him the prod he needed!

My ex was a pretty useless father and once I had to threaten his with separation to make him put DS to sleep. He was just used to me doing it and that's what it took for him to start doing it himself. Well, he loved it and it went very well and he just got used it.

My DH does more, but I think many men are just used to relying to the mother who's on the maternity leave, especially if she breastfeeds. So I guess it's normal to have some resistance at the beginning, but once he starts seeing it as his "job", he won't think of backing up.

Me and my DH work from home too and until DS goes to the daycare, it's very hard getting anything done (the older he gets, the harder it is, as he requiers more attention).
I can only work at night now and sometimes, it's stressful (you want to answer emails, but the baby needs attention) and annoying, so I would suggest to also be understanding with him. Working at night is hard...

It is hard but his choice to do the hours and role he does. Financially we would be better off if he worked part time in a non self employed role tbh but he loves his job (hobby related) so I respect his choices but they also mean that he financially ahs to be able to do some of the childcare himself.
I'm providing four days out of 7 childcare for baby and working full time in compressed hours. I can't physically do more than I am doing, so he did need to step up. Fortunately he's done a really good job and baby is happy/settl r with him and they and fun. So hopefully it's all resolved!

I'm currently up catching up on work as pointless going back to sleep as baby took forever to settle.